Breaking Story: Chris Brown Arrested. Again.
Los Angeles, CA – Christopher “Chris” Maurice Brown, the singer, songwriter, dancer, and well-to-do fuckface, was arrested in his villa yesterday morning for assault with a deadly weapon. Police invaded the home of the notorious R&B bad boy that afternoon, after receiving a 911 call from a distraught meth-head claiming the singer had threatened her with violence and brandished his underwhelming penis and a handgun at her.
Crackwhore Baylee Curran reportedly approached the jilted singer as he was lovingly fondling a gaudy diamond encrusted timepiece when he “flew off the handle and started going apenuts.” Chris pulled out a pistol then dropped his pants, flailing his genitals at his victim in a helicopter motion, shouting “I’m tired of all these bitches try’na jump on my diamonds and not my dick!”
“Then he started mumbling something about ‘his precious,’ and hugging the watch to his chest,” Curran recalls. “But I didn’t stay long enough to see what might come if I tried to apologize, so I fled.”
She told police about her harrowing escape from the clutches of the Chris Brown’s household security and the mighty Goblin King before finally finding a way out of the labyrinthine mansion. Police arrived with intent to arrest the singer. Brown, demanding a warrant, shot his mouth off at the peacekeepers, exclaiming he was tired of “bitches try’na steal my precious!” Two hours later, when the warrant arrived, police entered the building and tazered the ornery performer after he leapt onto the back of one officer who attempted to relinquish him of his watch.
Many will remember that Brown was arrested in 2009 for his assault of former girlfriend, and fellow performer, Rihanna. Reports confirmed Rihanna attempted to take his watch to a jeweler to get the batteries replaced when the little twerp jumped on her back, bit her finger off, and proceeded to beat her about the face and neck with his genitals. Rihanna was hospitalized for a week. Other charges against the singer include petty theft, felony assault, naming a newborn human being “Royalty,” and DWB (Driving While Black).
It is unknown how the current assault charges will affect the little cocksucker, but in the preliminary hearing, just hours ago, the judge ordered the police, with the help of a local wizard, to relinquish possession of the timepiece and have it thrown into Mount Doom within five business days.