Italy to Punish Veganistic Parents
Debate was sparked in the rustic township of Turin, Italy, when Mayor Chiara Appendino announced her town would be the world’s first “vegan town.” An opposing politician named Elvira Savino fought her tooth and nail, announcing a law that would make raising children on a vegan diet a punishable crime.
Veganism, which was coined in 1944 by Donald Watson, is a practice that abstains exploiting animals for work or food. Vegans, also referred to as “pussies,” eat no meat or products made by animals, such as milk, or cheese, or basically anything delicious. A typical vegan meal consists of vegetables, soy products, and sawdust. Vegans are also notorious for taking pictures of their food and publicly announcing themselves as Vegan, despite no one in a 100-mile radius asking.
Despite public backlash towards the pretentious dieters, there are some potential health benefits to veganism. Vegans tend to have reduced risk of heart disease, Type 2 Diabetes, and becoming obese. They also have higher counts of dietary fiber and a litany of other helpful vitamins and nutrients. All vegans also possess a chance to gain cosmic telekinetic superpowers. However, vegans do lack in some important nutritional aspects, such as lowered vitamin C and B12 and a lack of viable proteins and calcium in their diets. They also have a high risk of spontaneously becoming homosexual, or being the victims of diet-driven hate crimes.
The Italian Justice Department took all of these things, and more, into account when drafting the new law against “veganizing” children. Parents caught forcing the trendy diet upon children over the age of four will be sent to a Vegan Correctional Facility for two years. There they will have daily group therapy lessons about the benefits of exploiting and eating animals. They will be fed full meals consisting of animal proteins, vegetables, and ice cold glasses of milk. They will also be forced to bathe with soaps made of animal tallow, or suffer the consequences of a smelly, unwashed asshole after a week of meat shits.
Those parents vile enough to attempt making a child under the age of four muscle down grainy vegan foods will be sent to America to live in Texas, where even muttering the word “vegan” under one’s breath is punishable by a firing squad. The vegan parents, who will never see their child again, will be forced to spend the rest of their life raising a cattle from birth, feeding it, and caring for it before eventually walking it to a slaughter house to be made into ground beef for McDonald’s hamburgers.
The new laws are expected to go into effect by the end of the year.
In Other News:
Bathroom goers were confused Tuesday morning when a transgender man-identifying-as-a-woman entered the restroom, did her business, washed up, and totally didn’t even try to sneak a peek at any of the other women there.
“He-she just walked in, went right into a stall, and started peeing,” recalls Tracy Smith, a witness to the non-crime, and overweight walrus-looking feminist. “We heard it peeing and humming the theme to ‘Parks and Rec;’ then he-she flushed, washed its hands, and left without even making eye contact. I at least expected him-her to undress me with its eyes.”
When asked how she knew the man-woman was transgender, Tracy explained the wear of the now-mandatory armbands (see May article “White House to Enact Title X”).
Said Donna Mills, another incredulous cisgender restroom user, “She just came in and used the bathroom for what it was intended - like a psycho. How dare she come in here with a penis and then not objectify me, or not even try to just look at my tits!”