Nerd Community Mourns Loss of One of Their Own. Sort of.
The local roleplaying community suffered a tragic loss (sort of) this week, when forever-virgin Jeffrey Dunham was whisked away to, and subsequently killed in, another dimension. Dunham was a well-known, heavily picked on uber-dork who ran the “Roleplayers Gone Wild” website, where sweaty, basement-dwelling neckbeards gather to gawk at chubby nerd girls who show off their tits for small bags of 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, and 20-sided dice. He was also heavily involved in the forced awkward abstinence movement “Friendless Virgins and Proud,” gathering other mouth-breathing social retards to chat about how they prematurely ejaculated when they brushed their elbow against Kristin Stanwick’s left breast.
However, Jeffrey, though well known in the nerd communities, was not well loved. He was notorious for pissing off those he roleplayed with, being the dungeon master, or “head dork.” He often ridiculed new players and threw impossible challenges at everyone in a vain attempt to show off his giant e-penis.
“Jeff had kind of a God complex,” says Jill Hafford, an androgynous, gelatinous, walrus-looking female-type, we think. “He didn’t like when we did well. One campaign we were fighting a goblin king, and the warrior killed it with a single blow. Jeff, the petulant tit-baby, threw a fit and made the sky rain demogorgons as punishment.”
Another of Jeffrey’s nerd acquaintances recalls the night he disappeared.
“We were knee-deep in the Valestrian Catacombs, and we’d just taken out a gelatinous cube,” says fellow pimply-faced loser going by the chick magnet internet handle pussy_d3stroy3r_88. “Suddenly Jeff whipped out this really old looking scroll and started reading from it. Next thing we know, we’d been transported to a whole different dimension!”
Jeffrey and his four closest virginal friends had been teleported to the lair of Bilespew the Terrible, an unholy black dragon of unimaginable power.
“The dragon showed itself to us and pointed at Jeff saying, ‘Oh look, the Mighty Jeffrey Dunham! Come, virgin! Test your strength, or cower before Bilespew!’ The monster gestured toward some weapons, which Jeff put on shortly after soiling himself. Then it just vomited green acid all over him, melting him into a pulsating pile of mush,” fellow loser Damon Marsh cried. “The dragon gave an unceremonious laugh and chuckled ‘fucking pussy,’ before teleporting us back here.”
Said Jill, “Honestly, I’m glad he’s gone. He was a stickler with his experience points, and one time he solicited me to touch his gnarled two inch pecker if he gave my paladin a +5 vorpal greatsword. I think I’ll go take a dump in his urn.”
In Other News:
Donald Trump’s candidacy has come to a grinding halt when it was discovered that his entire campaign and political agenda were stolen from the second season of hit television show “30 Rock.”