CIA to Test Different Methods of Interrogation
For years, the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) has used harsh methods for interrogating prisoners. The most commonly referred to method, though not necessarily the most often used or most effective, is the waterboarding. When waterboarding, one places a rag over a person's breathing passages and pours water over them, giving them the sensation and thrill of drowning on land. But in our current touchy-feely generation, where, while it's not illegal, it's highly frowned upon to call a child “an asshole.” Because we've become a nation of absolute pussies, there has been a call for more humane methods of interrogating our enemies.
CIA Director John O. Brennan said, “Because this generation of vaginal discharges has called out the agency on its methods, we're being forced to change our ways to match the climate; but never let it be said that the Central Intelligence Agency isn't prepared to adapt!”
One of the methods the director described to us was one he called “The Bolton Challenge.” This form of interrogation suspended the prisoner upside down by their testes (or labia, depending on the gender) and have tiny leaden weights attached to their eyelids to keep them open. They are then forced to watch non-stop marathons of Michael Bolton concerts, which eventually loop all the way back to the beginning 114 hours later.
“Michael Bolton is, without a doubt, one of the most egregiously bad artists known to man,” Brennan tells us. “If Bolton doesn't get them talking, we move onto 'Father Training 101.'”
Brennan tells us that “Father's Training 101” is simple sounding, but devious. The prisoner is chained to a slow-moving treadmill and forced to walk along. Every minute that passes, the interrogator adds increasingly large amounts of Lego bricks to the treadmill. Lego bricks are, of course, the most insultingly painful thing on Earth to walk upon.
“No one has made it past the trial by Lego,” the aged CIA director tells us. “But we have one last contingency for those communist fucks to face, should they somehow succeed in resisting the Lego treadmill.”
In the final test of human willpower, the prisoner is forced to drag their testicles or breasts through a football field of broken glasses with the queef of a 400 pound syphilitic invalid woman as their only air supply. “Our own agents attempted to brave this last challenge,” Brennan warned. “But no one made it past twelve seconds of queef. Fucking tit babies.”
In Other News:
The recent spike in time travel based crimes culminated during the Republican National Convention last week. It was discovered that current First Lady, Michelle Obama, had traveled forward in time to plagiarize a speech given by Donald Trump's wife, Melania Trump. Michelle proceeded to travel back to 2008 to give the stolen speech. The last controversy around time travel theft was back in 1998 when Al Gore, who so obviously invented the Internet, had his idea stolen by time traveling scientists Vint Cerf and Robert E. Kahn.