N3 Exclusive: Scientists Determine Humans Ages 0 – 25 Are, in Fact, Stupid
For as long as humans have been aware of their place in the food chain, we’ve believed we are the pinnacle of the evolutionary ladder. However, scientists at Harvard and Stanford have proven that only humans over the age of 25 can technically be considered superior to other life forms on this planet. We sat down with the Harvard Human Studies Department lead researcher, Doctor Kenneth Noisewater, and listened to his recent findings on the subject.
“Babies are, by far, the worst offenders,” Doctor Noisewater tells us. “Human babies are just stupid. They can’t do dozens of things that infants of other species can do: they can’t feed themselves, they can’t defend themselves, and they can’t adequately communicate their needs. Hell, they can’t even walk!” he continued.
One of the experiments the Harvard Human Studies department conducted involved an eight month old boy named Timmy. Timmy was put through a battery of simple tests, alongside various wild animals of the same age, to determine cognitive and physical capabilities. The first test was to see how the babies might react to fear. A scientist entered the dark room where the babies slept and spooked them with a loud noise. Through night-vision cameras, the team witnessed their reactions: The baby orangutan puffed its chest out and defensively postured, while the wolf cub raised its hackles and growled back, biting at the air, and a rattlesnake coiled up and rattled its tail. Timmy, however, merely gurgled and shit himself.
In another test, scientists left each of the babies with two objects: a small pile of rocks and a spoonful of peanut butter (the creamy kind). In each of the other cases, the animal infants went immediately for the peanut butter, in an effort to sustain themselves. Timmy, however, piled all of the stones into his mouth and subsequently swallowed them. Scientists, content with the results, didn’t bother to resuscitate the idiot.
“And in yet another test, conducted by our colleagues at Stanford, the subject, one year old Susan, was given a map of Albuquerque, $200 in cash, a cellular device with pre-programmed numbers for a taxi service and her parents, and given simple instructions to ‘get home any way you can.’ Susan was never found again.”
“While babies might be the stupidest iteration of the human form, they’re not alone in idiocy,” Doctor Noisewater pointed out.
Kenneth revealed another experiment with several boys and girls around the ages of 6 through 13. “We put them into rooms with various objects, both mundane and dangerous. In one case, a young girl, 9, was put into a room with dolls in a dollhouse and an open can of lead-based paint labeled ‘PAINT! – DO NOT EAT!” Not only did the girl eat the paint, but she urged others in her group to do so. Similarly, a 12 year old boy was put into a room with a stack of comic books and a locked gun case. The boy got into the case and proceeded to accidentally exercise his Second Amendment rights directly into his skull.”
“And teenagers!” Kenneth lamented. “Between emo boys who think it’s cool to hang themselves from their ceiling fans, and dumbasses willing to stretch their earlobes out big enough to fit a horse cock through, I’ll be surprised if our society doesn’t come to a grinding halt in the next decade. But it doesn’t just stop with teenagers,” urged Noisewater. “All around the world, we’ve recorded incidents where people that society deems ‘adults’ were doing really stupid things. One 22 year old man assisted his wife’s childbirth with a snowboard, attempting to use it as something of a shoehorn.”
The most recent blatant act of stupidity happened last week in Nice, France, where a 25 year old man drove a cargo truck through scores of people while trying to catch a rare Charizard in the new Pokémon Go smartphone game. At least 77 people were killed, and zero Pokémon were captured. The incident was, at first, labeled as an act of terrorism, but has been downgraded to a mishap caused by “an inconceivable amount of idiocy.”
And in other news:
For the fifth year in a row, the Federal Fellatio Committee voted Asian women as the best blowjob givers, citing that “their faces were so flat they could bite a wall, and therefore get closer to the base of a gentleman’s manhood.” In close second were “Scandinavian chicks.”
