Pokémon Go Takes World by Storm, Everyone Less Fat
Niantic Labs, creator of the popular smartphone game Ingress, has secretly worked closely with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to create a new take on the wildly popular Pokémon series with the new smartphone app “Pokémon Go.” Together, the game designers and the many doctors employed by the DHHS concocted a scheme to get fat, lazy teenagers, and adults alike, off their asses and walking about to do the most important thing in their miserable, insignificant little lives: catch cutely named digital avatars of monsters and pit them in mortal combat with one another.
The basis of the virtual reality game is similar to the other games in the series, which was originally created by The Pokémon Company. You, a lone wandering Pokémon trainer, and probable involuntarily abstinent loser, must travel the world and capture cute amalgamations of monsters, such as the “Charmander” – an unholy abomination of a burning salamander – and train it to morph into their less cute “final forms.” The caveat in the newest iteration of the popular series is that you must leave the confines of your comfort zone and brave the outside world to progress.
“My daughter is a fat piece of shit,” exclaimed DHHS secretary Sylvia Mathews Burwell. “She usually does nothing but lazily lay around the house, looking at her phone, and just sitting around being generally useless. I thought I was going to have to euthanize her! But when Niantic CEO John Hanke came to me with their idea to get obese nerds out of the house, I couldn’t very well refuse to help! She’s lost 8 pounds already, and a not-terribly unattractive boy asked to see her tits!”
All around major towns and cities the world over, “Pokéstops” – or as we call them “Herds of friendless virgins” – have become hubs for skittish losers and introverts to gather and celebrate their nerdery, all the while never making eye contact with one another.
There have been concerns, however. Already, several iconic landmarks in the U.S. have become breeding grounds for trendy dorks, hunting the rarest of the digital monsters, the “Jewmander” named Ashes, and the “Blobosaur” named Private Pile. The police have been called on several occasions to shoo pesky Pokémon hunters away from the Holocaust Memorial Museum and Arlington National Cemetery, both in the DC area.
The game, which is free to play with other payment options, is currently available on all smartphone platform app stores. However, if you need a reason to get off your ass and walk around, we suggest the gym. You lazy fuck.
And in other news:
The nation remains divided on the issue of race relations this week. In an almost-act of terrorism, several officers of the Milwaukee Police Department knowingly photobombed a group of African Americans eating at a fried chicken restaurant. The photobombing struck a chord of outrage in the black community all around Milwaukee, as most ethnically-deficient people there honestly don’t even know what that means.