Black Lives Matter Movement Strikes Back
Dallas, TX – A sniper rained black justice upon officers of the Dallas Police Force during an anti-police march on Thursday. A young African American male (who remains unidentified) was recorded exclaiming he wished harm upon members of the Dallas Police Department, specifically white cops. This was in retaliation to the separate back-to-back killings (or, as the Black Lives Matter movement calls them: “black-to-black” killings) in both Baton Rouge and Minneapolis, where police officers with nothing better to do than shoot weapon-wielding black men opened fire upon their victims.
The sniper killed five police officers and injured several more, to include civilians, in the fray. The young man was cornered in a building during the shootout and initially subdued with 50,000 volt Taser guns. Once immobilized, the anonymous shooter was firebombed with phosphorous grenades burning at temperatures of 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The remains of the assailant’s body were encircled by enraged officers and engaged with nightsticks and kicks to the groin and chest. When the attacker finally collapsed, the police called in an Air National Guard airstrike, as it was the only way to be sure.
In light of this attack, the Department of Homeland Defense has considered putting the “Black Lives Matter” movement on the terrorist organization list. Santa Clause has already added them to his Naughty List.
Oh my god, we just heard that Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston are officially dating! It’s not a rumor any longer; they’re an actual couple! The “Hiddleswift” gossip is true! Andrea just tweeted that shit out, and she has ALL the 411 on the latest celebrity couples! How could Tom betray us like this! He’s too good for Taylor! He was America’s Internet boyfriend! I guess we’ll have to default back to the less-dreamy Oscar Isaac. He’s hot, and all, but Loki will always have my heart! Oh, also, some people died somewhere or something.
We here at the Neitzel News Network apologize for the incoherent rambling you just witnessed. Some gossipy bitch just hijacked our news feed with the “Hiddleswift” nonsense, once and for all proving that celebrity coupling is far and wide more important than police shootings, the presidential election, or acts of terrorism.
In other news:
Virginia is one of several states to finally abolish arranged child marriages, forcing the usually older men in the relationships to wait four to six more years before earning their trophy wife whom they’ll hate after the first twelve minutes. We’d offer more information on this exciting new development, but we’re still in denial about our dreamy Tom Hiddleston dating that whore-y tart, Taylor Swift. We hope she gets Chlamydia and her vagina shrivels up into a dried, leathery handbag. The cunt.