And now for your weekly dose of "I'm going to Hell for laughing at this."
Terrorist Attack Fails to Reach High Score
A terrorist attack rocked Istanbul’s Ataturk Airport, Tuesday, leaving 41 dead and at least 239 injured, but still better looking than Zika babies. Reports are still sketchy, and none of the known terrorist cells have claimed responsibility, but the profile seems to implicate ISIS. What is known is that three attackers armed with fully automatic assault rifles, suicide bomb vests, and pouches of liquid herpes opened fire in the airport and eventually killed themselves in an act of terror that begs to question: Are they even trying anymore?
“Allah has only rewarded me with seven virgins and twelve pieces of grape flavored Bubble-Yum in the afterlife,” said the apparition of one of the attackers (who wished to remain anonymous), “instead of the seventy-two virgins and limitless supply of other earthly pleasures that were promised to me by taskmaster Sayid,” he continued somberly. “How will this last me all eternity? I’ve already chewed four pieces! And all the virgins want to do is talk about Brad and Angelina!”
Said another of the anonymous, now-incorporeal, terrorists, “This is our punishment for not reaching a new high score in terrorism. No one will ever come close to the current title holder, September 11th, with its 2,996 dead and over 6,000 injured. Shit, I only killed three people. The other two guys did all the work. All I got in the afterlife was this lousy t-shirt.”
The ghostly attacker showed us a shirt that read “I committed an act of terrorism in the name of Allah, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
N3 terrorist expert Gordon Shumway sat down with us and expressed dismay with the lack of kill count in recent terror acts. “It’s like they’re not even trying,” he told us, shaking his head. “It took three idiots to kill a whopping 41 people. Even the assclown responsible for the Orlando 'let's-needlessly-slaughter-the-gays' shooting killed 49 people by himself, and that was barely a scratch on the terrorism scoreboard.”
Despite condemning the attacks, Turkish Prime Minister Binali Yildirim ordered the Ataturk airport to open its doors for business mere hours after the “rank amateur attempt at an act of terrorism.” He concluded, “Maybe try to kill a hundred or more next time, you fucking pussies.”