I'm probably going to Hell for this. Note, these are NOT my actual views. This is satire.
Feminists Wail for Equality, Take it Back
For decades, feminists have rightfully demanded equality with their male counterparts. In the past, the movement has achieved the right to vote, pay equality, and, more recently, the ability to qualify for combat roles in the Armed Forces. Yet the feminist movement came to a triggered, grinding halt this past week when Congress voted yes to amend the Selective Service Act to include women between the ages of 18 and 25, just as men have been registering for “the draft” since 1917. Suddenly, many women identifying as feminist are retracting their desire for equality.
“We uh… we take it back,” said Jules Farnsworth, a beleaguered 18 year old feminist with a bone structure similar to Jabba the Hutt. “We thought we wanted total equality, but now we realize ‘yeah, dudes don’t have it that great after all.’”
A petition, signed by at least 11,000 amorphous, sexually oppressed, eye-rape victims, has surfaced with the intent of getting congress to ban the Selective Service Act all together, suddenly claiming it to be unconstitutional.
Said one triggered 97 pound yeti wearing an “I bathe in male tears” shirt who wished to remain anonymous, “I was all for the draft when it was just the eye-fucking male slut pigs required to register; now that men AND women have register, I see that it’s totally against our basic human rights. Why should I be compelled to fight in a war that some fascist fuckboy douchelord started?”
The reality that college women might have to put off getting their degrees in “Gender Studies” or “Feminist Dance Therapy” has many women spooked. Already there are rumors of women planning mass pregnancies, should the Armed Forces ever again pursue a draft.
“The idea of letting some pig male sperm into my body makes my labia shrivel up, but it’s better than going to another country to fight a war and preserve our way of life!” said another anonymous pachyderm.
No men could be reached to comment, as they were all too busy working, starting wars, or oppressing and triggering women with their mere presence and gaze.
In other news:
The U.S. Navy unveiled its new stealth destroyer that it plans to deploy to the Mediterranean. It’s painted to resemble crashed aircraft wreckage and floating, waterlogged bodies from Egypt Air’s lost Flight 804. The naval ship is slated to deploy immediately to maintain its current cover.