Trump Named Herald of the Apocalypse
Trump Tower, New York - The sky rained fire Wednesday night as the news of real estate mogul Donald Trump's victory over the remaining presidential candidates was announced. Trump's sweep of the Indiana Primaries on the 3rd caused fellow candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz to respectfully bow out. Upon the news of their dropping out, Trump opened a portal to the Nine Hells and summoned forth an extraplanar beast to capture the fleeing Republicans. Kasich and Cruz put up little struggle (much like their unfortunate candidacies), were caught, and strung up by their testicles in the Trump Tower lobby.
Democratic leader, Representative Nancy Pelosi, had the following to say: "The Dark Lord promised us Hillary would be the next president, but Trump has a large cult following! I hope Former First Lady Clinton is up to the task! I can't help but feel as though Satan is playing both sides here."
Lucifer could not be reached to make a comment. His aide, Diablo - the Lord of Terror, spoke with the press and revealed that the Dark Prince was currently excited at the news of Trump's victory over the weak Republican dogs, Kasich and Cruz. He also exclaimed that Lucifer was overheard tapping his fingertips together and mumbling something about his plans finally "coming to fruition."
Trump celebrated his victory with his orangutan father, Bobo, in Trump Tower on Cinco de Mayo. Showing his "love for Hispanics," they ordered taco bowls and watched the sky rain fire upon the hapless denizens of New York City and relishing in the tormented screams of the eternally tortured Cruz and Kasich, and eventually watching their souls be converted into new and exciting forms of yet undefined energy.
In other news.
A University of New Mexico student was murdered outside of his dorm room yesterday morning. Witnesses say a mugger held up Aaron Knepler at gunpoint and demanded he empty his wallet or he would shoot the young man. After a brief moment of deliberation, Knepler declined the offer, citing that he wouldn't have to pay off his student loans if he was dead. Aaron Knepler was 19 years old.