For those of you unaware, I used to consider myself something of a scribbler. I don't get a chance to really sit down and write anymore. Either I'm working or I'm distracted by being an adult. Perhaps I'll get back into the swing of things one day. In the meantime, in an attempt to find my muse, I've been thumbing through some of my old saved documents and found some of the shit I originally posted on SG back in like 2007/2008. I'd done several satirical articles based on actual world events (for the most part). I wanted to re-share them with you all. Just be aware that the information is most likely dated, so you might shrug. But it's still pretty funny.
American Cargo Ship Hijacked, Pirates Claim it to be "Simple Misunderstanding"
On Monday, April 6th, a US cargo ship carrying 4100 metric tons of Corn-Soya blend, the Maersk Alabama, was hijacked by the notorious "Pirates of the Caribbean." The Alabama, formerly the Alva Maersk, was making its way to Mombasa, Kenya, when out of nowhere, the mythical Black Pearl, led by the once-dreaded undead Captain Barbosa, closed in and began to fire upon it. The Alabama, with it's security detail of a mere 18 men, was forced to halt progress and surrender to the merciless attacks. Before being boarded, the Captain of the Maersk Alabama, Richard Phillips, was able to radio a request for aid from the US Navy.
"It was so frightening!" one of the Alabama's security crew exclaims. "One minute we're sailing along, a mere 350 miles from Kenya, and the next, we're being chased by a galleon crewed by the undead!"
When asked by Captain Phillips why the Black Pearl had attacked their cargo ship, Captain Barbosa claimed the Alabama's "colors" were being flown upside down, and that it was all just a "misunderstanding." Depsite the situation, however, Captain Barbosa took Richard Phillips hostage and returned to the Pearl, leaving a small number of his henchmen aboard the Maersk Alabama, until he could decide whether to kill the crew and leave the ship dead in the water.
Within two hours of the Alabama's distress call, the Naval destroyer, the USS Bainbridge, was dispatched and on the scene. A SEAL team infiltrated the occupied Alabama and dismembered the undead captors, dumping their still-flailing bodies overboard. Meanwhile, the Bainbridge attempted to hail the Black Pearl to negotiate for the release of Captain Richard Phillips. The Pearl's radio silence indicated that the Alabama's Captain was already dead.
In retaliation, the USS Bainbridge opened fire on the Black Pearl with its 12.7mm guns and Mk 46 torpedoes. After the smoke cleared from the destroyer's onslaught, two SH-60 Sea Hawk helicopters were sent in to eliminate any possible survivors. With the pirates vanquished, the Bainbridge escorted the Alabama and its crew safely to Kenya to finish their route.
"We'll all miss Captain Phillips," said second-in-command, Ken Quinn. "God damn those pirates! This isn't even the Caribbean!"
This has been the fifteenth ship to be hijacked by pirates in the area since early March.