gradually...getting there. i guess. this has been such a fuck awful week. still nauseous. and disappointed. or proud? i'm putting on some weight. kinda on purpose. everyone used to always rag on me cause i was kinda chubby, so now that i have body dysmorphia they just rag on me because i'm "too thin" and i think they're fucking crazy.
but right at the peak of my misery, it's like a switch was flipped. all of a sudden, i physically cannot even stand the thought of the food i'd been eating for 2 years, to find the energy i once had, to muster the discipline i once did. i....didn't care. which isn't to say that's a bad thing. one day,
i literally woke up, and before the crippling exhaustion set in, i looked in the mirror and saw this...just...pile of flesh in the mirror. i wasn't even sure it was real. i didn't know who it was. all of a sudden i saw bones jutting out, i saw my eyes with huge bags, i saw a scraggly, half assed human being struggling to exist.
immediately i thought of all the things people had said to me. all the "good natured" jabs and such. such a blow to myself. i have enough self pity, i don't need this. i hope the bleakness at least passes.
christmas was alright; plenty of presents, nothing big. not even many games, just left 4 dead 2. and bioshock 2, but that doesn't come out until around my fucking birthday. and goddammit, i want to play as a big daddy now.
sister's in georgia, family's in pennsylvania, so i get to stay at home by myself with the obnoxious cats while it pours ass outside. it's beautiful in the most crushingly depressing way ever, especially when you roll up to a chinese restaurant by yourself on christmas day just to see a real person. i've left the house so seldom for the past few months i forget what human contact is.
but right at the peak of my misery, it's like a switch was flipped. all of a sudden, i physically cannot even stand the thought of the food i'd been eating for 2 years, to find the energy i once had, to muster the discipline i once did. i....didn't care. which isn't to say that's a bad thing. one day,
i literally woke up, and before the crippling exhaustion set in, i looked in the mirror and saw this...just...pile of flesh in the mirror. i wasn't even sure it was real. i didn't know who it was. all of a sudden i saw bones jutting out, i saw my eyes with huge bags, i saw a scraggly, half assed human being struggling to exist.
immediately i thought of all the things people had said to me. all the "good natured" jabs and such. such a blow to myself. i have enough self pity, i don't need this. i hope the bleakness at least passes.
christmas was alright; plenty of presents, nothing big. not even many games, just left 4 dead 2. and bioshock 2, but that doesn't come out until around my fucking birthday. and goddammit, i want to play as a big daddy now.
sister's in georgia, family's in pennsylvania, so i get to stay at home by myself with the obnoxious cats while it pours ass outside. it's beautiful in the most crushingly depressing way ever, especially when you roll up to a chinese restaurant by yourself on christmas day just to see a real person. i've left the house so seldom for the past few months i forget what human contact is.
Christmas has so many expectations which are so unfair. Christmas's are different every year and we celebrate it differently every year as well.
I think as you begin to feel better you will leave the house more. You will be feeling more like who you are.
It is also good to gain a bit of weight back - give your body the nutrients it needs to win this battle.