desormais

i forgot how much this song fits well. my ex definitely didn't want me to continue my abuse, so i suffered through...but with our falling out later anyway, and my new addiction, it's almost perfect.
clinics, doctors, horrible pains/aches/cold sweats. for about 4 months i've been recovering from an opiate addiction. and while it's mostly my fault (for going along with it at first then ramping it up), i've had so many doctors just toss out painkillers like candy then cut you off once you develop a tolerance, not realizing (caring) that i am now addicted.



i spoke with a guy me and mercie know, real stand up guy. kinda white trashy, but super awesome. he's been my "big brother" on this, for sure. and i assume you've seen trainspotting, and the whole withdrawal scene with the baby on the ceiling, whatever. according to him, you can indeed do that off heroin; just face a few days of absolute torture but you can mostly get there. with where i am, i think i could actually die, but even if not, it would take a week or two of basically wanting to tear away at my skin just to get to a point where my body just feels dead. i'd probably take months to be back where i was before.

i'm trying to taper off, but this sucks. and i'm STILL FUCKING BLACKING OUT. jesus...