desormais

thanks for being positive...i'm having a difficult time. i wake up every day, not knowing where i was the night before, not knowing what i said, who i talked to, if i spent money....
and, i mean....that...fucking bitch from arizona actually caught me in the middle of a black out. i confessed how much i loved and hated her, and i wish she would've given me a fucking chance but i was sorry i forced myself on her out there and..and... and all these thoughts i'd kept bottled up inside. but i only know this because i saved the AIM logs. god...what is wrong with me...

i think my pleurisy is back, except it's...different this time.

i don't know if i've described it before, but pleurisy is an infection of the lining of the lungs; i got mine as a result of a recurring bout with pneumonia or COPD. it feels like having a knife in your upper ribs for a few weeks straight. in fact, it's worse than that sounds.

but now, it's more frontal chest area. could be a pectoral pull, or tear, even, i did rake leaves and i've thrown my back out before, but this time if i take a breath any deeper than an average shallow gasp, i double over in pain. literally. it feels like being impaled through my lung. i've slept about 3 hours in the past 5 days. i can't take painkillers other than the 800mg ibuprofen, which provide some welcome relief, but still. this is hell.

and it's saturday? fuck...god, i just don't even know where my days go...

so, on parting thoughts:
dragon age: origins is FUCKING AWESOME. BUY IT.

and here's two songs i love:

union of knives - lick black gold



there will be fireworks - joined up writing