demoniacsmile

Here is some more. These are the halucinations. The morphine gave me horrific nightmares, ones that may seem so simple now, but when every one of them is the entire world to you...they seem deadly. I can't say any of the following posts about these dreams and halucinations - and the other moments in ICU and Stepdown - are in order. Time seemed so fragmented then. I'll begin with the surgery, which happened towards the begining of most of my halucinations.

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I had awoken several times during the night to request more morphine. I had the IV in my arm, and although I was allowed an injection each hour, that didn't quite seem like enough; I couldn't sleep without it. I was starving, and even thoughts of eating seemed to satisfy me. Why wouldn't they? It was early Friday morning, exactly a week after the accident, and the entire week they had been pumping whatever was in my stomach through the tube up my nose and down my throat. Today was the day of the surgery. In the moments of consciousness I had learned that they would be cutting my neck open from the front and the back. They'd take bone from my hip and reconstruct the shattered vertebrea, and insert metal plates. It was only a few hours and I wanted to sleep.

It wasn't much longer until my next dose of morphine took effect. It happened instantly; My body took the injection through my system, and my body began to float. Relaxation dominated me. When I got the injections, I would lift from the bed. When I got the injections, I could move my legs again. I would lightly bend and kicks them as if I was floating on my back in the ocean. I would kick my legs to move about the smooth water. And I would fall asleep.

In my dream everything that I thought became a reality. It seemed great...anything I wanted would become so. But soon it wasn't so wonderful. I couldn't control it, and any thought that entered my mind became real. I couldn't keep my mind a blank. I had known that some things I experienced weren't real during the week I'd spent in the hospital, but I was certain that this time it wasn't a dream - even though I was walking in a grassy area. A doctor was nearby, and he confirmed that what I was experiencing was real. I was nervous...it wouldn't do to have everything everyone thought to become a reality.

When I woke up, it was just about time for surgery. Thank heavens, the dream wasn't real. Or was it? I still wasn't sure. Two people waited with me as the time approached to take me to the operating room. I was then taken through the halls and into the preperation room. Surgeons and assistants began gathering around me in preperation. An oxygen mask was put over my face...it smelled like vanilla. A woman told me she would be putting pins in my arms. She did so, all up and down by arm, and in the skin between my thumb and forefinger. That last spot stung...

Mom and Dad came to see me. They wished me luck and said goodbye before I was brought into the operating room. It seemed like I was in a very sterile kitchen. I was told that they had to do some things to put me "down". A metal tool was inserted into my mouth to keep it open, and I suddenly felt what seemed like a finger worming into my ear. It felt like the entire finger was inside my ear, to the knuckle.

"I'm going to put something into your mouth, and it might taste a little odd, daniel. I don't want you to swallow it, okay?"

I made a noise of understanding and suddenly my mouth was filled with a substance. It had the consistancy of wet, crushed ice, and it was very cold...but it was hot and spicy like peppers. I cringed.

"Don't swallow..."

My head hurt, and the finger in my ear made it worse. They held my mouth open...and I began to whine in discomfort.

"Just a little longer Daniel. Close your eyes and relax."

Relax? How could I? This experience was awful. The substance burned my mouth in it's icy sensation. My head was held firmly in place...clamped. Someone asked a question, and the man I assumed to be the surgeon replied. The woman nearby (my eyes were still closed, I had no idea what was going on around me) spoke.

"His eyes are still twitching..."

The doctor spoke then "...we might need to use the big needle"

Then I blacked out.

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More to come. I'd appreciate any responses...I'd like to know my journal of these experiences is appreciated... I want people to know what it was like