decembermarie

I'm doing better.. kinda lonely..I think that's one reason I keep thinking about him so much...I need to go out and just not think about things. I stillI miss him a lil. The him he was when we were together, not the him he is now. I've realized recently he's acting like an ass...he refuses to return stuff he knows is mine, he ignores my emails about me getting my stuff so I can be through with him. He seems to think he can ask me to pay him for rent the whole time we lived together. At the time, he didn't want it, he said everything was cool because of the situation, now he thinks I owe him something. He's the one who pushed me to move in with him. It was quick. We hadn't been together that long and I was really nervous about it. Things were moving fast but I liked him so much I was afraid if I tried to slow things down, he'd lose interest. It' something I can never admit to him when we were together. He acts like I'm still trying to be with him and I'm not. I honestly and truly don't want him back. I've seen what he can be. I've seen his ego come out, I know what he tells people about me. I know he thinks he's better than me. I know he regrets ever being with me. To me, he's acting childish. And that turns me off more than anything. Not to mention another one of my exs has been messaging him and spreading rumors which is starting drama, which is the last thing I want. Since we broke up, I've gotten upset and said things, but I apologized to him. I was angry about things, but none of that matters anymore. How should I take it that we broke up and he gave up on us? Is it wrong of me to be hurt and angry? I don't think thats unreasonable. I'm at the point where I don't care. I avoid him and talking to him at all costs because of the attitude he has towards me. I dunno why it's hard for some people to just let things go. At first, I wanted us to get along and be friends, you know, chat online every now and then, maybe hang out once in a while and then he acts this way and I want nothing to with him. If a guy can be completely in love with me one day and after so little time can despise me this much, I know I'm better off without him. I fight with myself in my head all the time over whether he ever loved me or not. I just can't see something as intense as we had as fake. But can something real go away that fast? Who cares? I'll never see or talk to him again so it doesn't matter. I'm just back where I started lol. I think thats another reason I'm frustrated, I found something that could have been great and it was a dud. All those emotions, all the time, energy, etc I went through and what'd I get out of it? Not even a friend. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about him and his roommates. It's like this intense memory. You care so much about people and then BAM they're gone. I realized right after it happened how fake everything was. Everything they said to me, all the times they said they were cool with things, saying they wanted me there, saying they cared about me. It was fake. They tell me now they just felt sorry for me. That is the ultimate betrayal to me. They lied to my face, not just once, but over and over again. It's happened to me all my life and it's caused me to lock up and I finally opened up and they told me they'd always be there. Why did I belive them? Why? Now here I am, just lonely in a big world. Searching for myself and my mate. Not knowing what's coming along or when...It's scary but at the same time, I know I'm gonna find something good.

Today my best friend hurt me. He said something that really hurt...we were fighting and he said I gave up the chance to be with him for some bastard that used me as a piece of ass. I really loved Jesse. Did he just use me? Was "our love" all a big sham? I can't imagine him using me, but I also can't imagine him hating me the way he does now after all we've been through....