davidtieck

Everyone is talking about weddings and Kim Kardashian

Ah weddings, something most people will experience in life and the odd person will even enjoy. Who doesnt love weddings, except all males and anyone who has to pay for one, and the ugly bridesmaid that the best man wont bang, and the guy who has to clean the vomit off the ice-sculpture, weddings, what a marvelous thing!

In case you are unaware a wedding is something that takes place a few months after this moment, arguably the most romantic and heartwarming moment that will ever take place between two people:

Guy gets down on one knee holding three months of his wages in his hand despite owing bills on important things and his mothers pancreas transplant that hell now have to hold off on paying for, for a couple more years: You are the love of my life, well the girlfriend I happen to be with at the age society and peer pressure tells me I better get married or else Ill end up with an ugly slag, I want to take our relationship to the ultimate place, getting the church, government and lawyers involved in it, with legally binding contracts, will you marry me, because for some reason my mother wants this even more than a new pancreas, go figure.

Girl inspects the ring and asks herself, will this make my friends jealous or make them think I am marrying a loser? Cause at this point that is absolutely the most important factor: Love of my life, well yes, boyfriend I happen to be with at the age I realize I better settle down at or risk my looks fading and ovaries shriveling up. Ive been dreaming about this since I was six, and thought mermaids and unicorns were real, and that is exactly when I wanted to be forming my long held beliefs about the complex matters of long term relationships and sexuality, the answer is YES, wait that diamond is real right?

Ahhh weddings, so beautiful, so fragile, so sweet. Of course some people are far less tender and romantic as me. I have heard some people are even cynical about weddings. Come on guys, save the cynicism for politics, LEAVE LOVE ALONE!

Fortunately one person who does not share in this evil nay saying love hating disparagement is Kim Kardashian, who this week proved that all that matters is love by staging her own perfect dream wedding, and she ignored all the cynicism by filming her wedding for television, selling her photos to magazines, and filling her ceremony and reception full of product placement. Ahhh weddings, so beautiful, so fragile, so sweet.

Now some people dont know why Kim is famous but it is very simple, some men are particularly interested in hooking up with an attractive woman (seriously guys, her? I dont see it.) who is so self centered and stupid that she doesnt even notice him spending her daddys money, earned by getting people acquitted of murders they committed, on betting on sports, and some women are very jealous of women like this, hence a very successful television franchise. Pretty simple really.

And if you were not paying attention the wedding this past weekend was more than romantic, is was magical. Here is the thing right, Kim wore a white dress!!! Yes thats right. That means, following tradition, she must have been a virgin. How adorable; how wonderful.

I know what you are thinking, but Dave she launched her career by selling her own sex tape, we have all SEEN her have sex, she could not possibly be a virgin?

Your innocence really is cute people. Ok, so lets look at this logically, either the sex tape is a fake making her a liar, or wearing the white wedding dress is a lie in itself? Well no, she is a reality television star, she would NEVER lie! I have seen segments of her show and at times they show completely random, spontaneous moments with three camera angles, well lit, perfectly microphoned and flawlessly choreographed so no one is blocking anyones camera time, there is no way that could be achieved with lying.

Clearly what has happened here is that the sex Kim was having in her sex tape was not in her vagina at all but rather a secondary plastic surgery created hole crafted immediately adjacent to her vagina so the sex tape could look real and she could launch her career and yet still allowing her to maintain her innocence so she could have a white wedding.

Holy crap, modern science sure is fucking marvelous, and we may not have known this type of surgery was possible without Kim and her bravery to show her most private moments to the world. Bravo Kim, Bravo. Who knows where else these secondary vaginas may be able to be crafted in the future, behind knees? In the back of the neck? On a guys forearm? Wow, the wonderful possibilities are endless.

Ah science, so beautiful, so fragile, so sweet.

Of course a couple of very important questions do still remain un-answered:
- Where will they honeymoon?
- Given her giant ass is it possible to have sex with her doggy style and be in the same zip-code?
- How much money will her virgin blood stained wedding dress sell for on Ebay?
- What is the correct amount to spend on an engagement ring? ($10 times every individual use the ring has = $0)
- Who will be the next big reality star to marry?
- Who will be the first woman to volunteer to have a second vagina crafted into the back of her neck?

And really who cares; I just want to think about weddings, ahhh weddings, so beautiful, so fragile, so sweet. Oh by the way, sorry Kim, that was me who puked on the ice-sculpture.