darling0

<romanticnonsense>

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine. "

--- Yvaine, from "Stardust".

</romanticnonsense>

actually, honestly, I think I've developed a rather debilitating case of that psychological disorder known as "fear of intimacy". The idea of letting any guy get close to me in a physical or emotional way freaks me the fuck out, every time. The cause of this is obvious... multiple slap-in-the-face rejections from boys I really liked have rendered me incapable of really liking anyone anymore--or even trying to meet someone to like, period. well, ain't that some shit. I idealize the romantic concepts of love and yet whenever its possibility presents itself (if I even allow the possibility to present itself at all) I run as fast and as far away as possible as quick as I can. man.. I am totally and completely fucked up, in such an obvious way.