dappergatsby

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i can't bring myself to express the utter devastation and blessed bliss that these past days have become for me.
My hero still breathes but they're few and far between ,
he has fought an amazing and heroic battle these past weeks
the medical staff tells me he's an exceptional case of survival, poise, patience and lucidity.
He has his small family of three children on 24 hour bedside vigil
i didnt sleep from weds nigh to last night basically
my step sis has been sleepless about 3 days as well.
my step brother i really not able to handle losing his papa.
we press on and are dug in next to him on cots chairs and coffee.
the nights are hardest but then the sun comes out and
he and i quietly celebrate since he knows how fuckin proud of his resilince and strength i am..
every lil thing now is a great victory for us..
to drink sips of water, to move a hand a lil.
it makes you truly remeber all that poetry that life in the dteails is..,
he knows Ive accepted his death and i do not ask that he holds on for me.
I whisper good memories in his ears and he trys to smile a bit.
that wears him out tho.
ill write more
understand i cant right now.

his struggle has been awe inspiring;
he got himself stable enough to get checked out of the hospital and all the endless alarms and proddings and stayed alive long enough to be transferred to a hospice care spot where he is now preparing to transition.
I was able to bring him his beloved dogs to visit and lick him for just one last time.
i truly believe that kept him so joyful that he lasted thru the morn.
I now have to go pick out his burial suit from his closet
that is gonna be an unbearable task for me i know.

such tasks are so utterly devastating to do but must be done,
its part of the process,
it seems unbearble and it is but it must be done,
you couldnt undertsand the sheer shock of all this unless you had also experienced a long term death of a loved one,
where you end up changing their bedpan, holding their hand for 12 hours at atime while the terror of death haunts their night,
where they tell you that even though they have been in inexpressibile pain for weeks now,
this time spent with me bedside has been the happiest time of his life
I am so magnificently proud of my papa i shall not even try
his nurses and resp therapists were in tears and hugging each other
he has been the hospitals heroic miracle man in that we got him out of icu with his malady at such an advanced strage.
the fact that we got him better to get the hell out of his fear of dying in a hospital is one more testament to how fantastic and heroic my father is for me and everyonre
lucky enough to know him!
I wail in loud sobs of exhaustion and pain when im away for an hour to let me get my footing back
my health is in shambles
but i press on
he may make the night he may not
he's done wonders these past weeks that few humans could ever claim to have even tried.
hew is the sweetest gentleman as always,
he shall soon pass and my ship will be without its guiding star on terra firma
my lighthouse of love rises to his heavens soon
reading all those kind comments gets me thru this last part of his expiration
thank you
i can type no further
say a lil prayer for his last hours for me,
no matter what your spiritual situation please
love reign o'er me
~j