dannydmc

This entry was meant to be a very deep one about internal conflict and how I've getting over mine. It might still turn out that way, but I recently posted something in a friend's journal which is in my mind more now; so I'll start with writting around that

I just got tickets to see Hank Williams III and the Murder Junies down in Madison. This will be the second time I've seen Hank this summer; the first time was last Tuesday. After years of wanting to see one of his live shows, things are working out to the point where I'm going to be able to go to more than one show, and you can bet your ass I'm happy about this The only problem is that I'll be going alone to this one, just as the last one; I asked a friend of mine but she's not a terribly big fan (she said it would be like me paying a lot to see Lenny Gamoka, her favorite Polka singer; I might like his music, but I'd feel out of place) and the only other person I know who'd love to go is underage. Oh well, I'm sure I'll meet some people there.

The last one was, I think, the first big punk venue I've ever been in; the !st Avenue in Minneapolis. I walked in, saw the crowd; the vast mass of punks, goths, metal heads, urban cowboys and the rest, and I'm not ashamed to say my first thought was "oh crap, what the hell did I just get myself into". Here I was wearing a Hank shirt, cargo shorts, an over shirt and I was sure I was standing out as the softest person in the crowd. The odd but after a drink or two, I loosened up and I can't tell you the last time I felt that comfortable in a large crowd; I even felt good enough to start chatting up some random people, met a rather nice girl who I bought a few drinks for. It ended up being a damn good night; its funny how your opinons can change, isn't it?

Anyway, while I was there I kept thinking about my students (one of the things about being a teacher, no matter how bad you might be at it and I have no illusions as to my mastery of the profession, is that you always find yourself thinking about your students in one way shape or form). I've got a few kids in my village who think that they are really 'bad, who claim that if they lived in the lower-48 they'd be gangstas and hang out in the hood. Naturally, being in downtown Minneapolis which really isn't the best neighborhood(although not the worst either) I kept thinking what they would think of the show. Here was a club, full of people wearing lots of black, leather, who had odd colored hair, were tattooed; the type of place that when you guy beer they pour it into a cup for you so you don't have a glass bottle to throw at the stage or get into a fight with. At one point the lead singer of the Murder Junkies smashed a bottle he had over his face just to 'add color' as they say in the Wrestkling business.
The thought of these two self proclaimed bad dudes in this club made me checkle the entire time. Not only would they most likely be hugging the walls in terror, I also wondered what they would do if they knew _I_ was there; I mean, I'm the squarest teacher ever, have no life outside of school and have no real clue about life at all, my idea of fun is putting together lesson plans just to torment them (this is not just yupik kids, I think ALL students think this about their teacher). Most of my kids would have been horrified to see me drinking *gasp* BEER, listening to a singer who talks about the DEVIL and other such fun little oddities I think next time those two get uppity, I might have to describe this place to them.
You know, having gone to the show and visited the campuses at Minneapolis and Fargo I'm feeling a lot better about my future. I left both cities with a good vibe about the programs and I think I'm willing to admit that I'd be happy going for a PhD in History. In a way a bit of a Toaist bent has come to my philosophy and I've come to believe that life is carrying me towards this anyway, and I'm simply tired of fighting it. Every time I struggle against this I only end up getting beat up on the rocks of life; I can't say I've been particularly happy with the course of my life since leaving college. Maybe its just time to accept that this is what I'm meant to be doing (going to Grad School) and just enjoy it instead of this useless flailing around; its going to happen one way or another anyway. Besides, I've convicned myself that it will still be possible for get into politics as a Professor and did some research to come up with enough examples of politicians who were Profs to believe that I can do it to.
Even more than that though, I've taken a bigger leap in admitting that I definately want to live in a city for a few years; there is something, I think, that I was fighting even more than the concept of school. There are just so many more social oppertunities in a city such as St. Paul or Madison and I think I would be truly happy there. Not forever, of course; I still dream of raising a family in the same town that I grew up in (if for no other reason, If _I_ have to survive Elderon, so wil lTHEY! (I'm going to be an evil Father some day!) But for the time being, its where I need to be to really enjoy being young and all that fun stuff. So, there you have it; in a matter of a few weeks I've managed to come to grips with some issues I've been wrestling with for some time.
Even better; with grad school in the future this next year of teaching is looking much more promising. If this will be my last year than a lot of the pressues I felt last year will evaporate and I'll be able to enjoy the experience; or at least wring what joy there is out of it. I can be in Kipnuk for one more year if I know that there is an out, and that that year wll accomplish a step to one of my larger goals. woooo!