A whole lot happening this week it seems. Good, bad and ugly. Not on the home front, as you might think, though.
From my perch in the world, looking out over all I survey, happenstance brings its trials and tribulations to those around me; those few I can see from here. My vision isn't perfect-- far from it-- and my perception may be skewed. I'd give it 90 percent odds, in fact. I see those who take flight, heaping honor upon triumph, and my heart sings for them. I also see those who started so low, it comes as a surprise when they fall, as though from a great height, and burn. I have done my fair share of burning, and so can also feel for even those I do not know all that well personally.
I have witnessed loss of loved ones, loss of desire, loss of direction, of hope. I've stood here on the margins, looking on as others fight daily battles against pain and the frailty of the human form, against fear... against themselves. I've seen some people dealt some pretty harsh hands, and some playing the only cards they have. I've seen yet others toss every card given to them in a flat refusal to play the game until they're dealt a hand worth a goddamn. Soldiering on or folding, it's all come together to paint a picture for me, working as one, like a work penciled by @jthebarber09 and colored by @bristole, but the canvas seems to want to come straight out of the mind of Orwell, slashed by the tenebrous hand of H. R. Giger.
Life itself is nothing so much as wind. Predictable, for the most part, but can throw us with the sudden hurricane or inexplicable stillness. Meteorologically speaking, it is ruled by prevailing temperatures, atmospheric pressure and the presence of the moon. Life is similar in that it is influenced by pressure and temperaments (hot and cold), and by presences (like the moon or not). Sir Newton wasn't just talking physics, here. Whether he knew it or not, he was not only deciphering the logic inherent in the physical world, but putting into words the silent, invisible laws governing life itself. Action and reaction. We live it every day.
Now here's where it all gets fucked seven ways from Sunday.
You add the complexities of the human brain to the mix and nothing makes sense any more. Example: I hate the cold with a purple, pissy passion. You add a heavy snowfall, and I'll stand outside in the cold, just listening to the hush that snow seems to bring with it. I love that silence, and so the cold is a joy to me. I will even go out in just pants and shoes, reveling in the feel of the flakes melting on my skin. Can I be consistent, please? Hell no.
Why does this make me happy when generally I am miserable (and prone to depression) when it's cold? No goddamn clue.
And... speaking of depression (nice segue, Mister Stark)...
Depression is the most nonsensical malady of the human condition. It is triggered by a multitude of external stimuli and governed by chemicals imbalanced by degrees that aircraft manufacturers consider acceptable tolerances.
It. Is. Ridiculous. And infuriating. Why, when there is nothing at all wrong with my world, should I feel like drowning myself in the bathtub? Birds singing, sun shining, and I want to hide in my apartment and retreat from the world. What the fuck. I've always said that people make no sense.
I am telling you now that I am no exception to the rule.
I don't know about the rest of you (and there is a staggering, tragic number of us), but those who say depression is imaginary need to give us credit for our mind-bendingly fantastic imaginations. They ask, "What's wrong?" We reply, "Nothing." And it's true. Yet here we are, devoid of motivation or contentment.
We get all sullen and emo. We brood, and hermit away from the world. Our guts bunch up as though we were to be next on the firing line... but there's nothing at all that wrong. Something triggered it, yes. Maybe even something horrible enough to warrant a good cry, but at the end of the day, most of us don't have a fucking clue why we feel this way.
To put it in a word, to be depressed is to be Lost. There is a palpable sense of displacement, as of some ephemeral wrongness with the world, as though some unseen horror looms over the shoulder. A sense that one is not where one belongs. No matter the impetus, there seems a universal feeling of dissatisfaction, lack of motivation and appetite (for anything), and in some cases disregard for the self. It can get pretty fricking serious at times, and it never goes away.
so eloquently wrote of his "good friend" coming for a visit, with her cold hands and icy propriety.
To ad my own impression: "You just sit there in your armchair," she cooed at me like a lover, "and keep me company. I've been so lonely without you..." And instantly I felt guilty for all my recent happiness. I knew I shouldn't; I sure as hell din't owe her! She damn well owed me. Owed me for the years lost and the opportunities missed. But deep inside, I knew it was all my own damn fault. And thus the guilt...
Dear depression: Go fuck yourself. I'm getting a restraining order.
This brings me to ways to cope. Herein is a little of why I admire @stormyent and @crimsonnoir so much. They deal with pain every day. All. Day. Like anything else, some days are better than others, but constant, endless pain? Holy shit. And they cope. Yoga, and actively being awesome seem to be universal in their routines.
What? "It's a different kind of pain," you say?
Technically, yes. But what does all pain have in common? That's right, it hurts. It's your body's (or mind's) way of telling you something is not right and you need to take steps to fix it. Fortunately, in the depressive's case, it doesn't take a lot of motivation (you can use frustration instead. You'll have plenty of that, right? It does, however take focus, which is a shitload of effort.
1. --And this one is the hardest--Know what your baseline mood is. Do you not know? Congratulations! You are a Severe Chronic Clinical Depression like me. Finding that baseline may require a doctor's visit and at least a month on some sort of depression medication, depending on your type of depression, onset, etc...
2. Recognize when you slip below that baseline. It is very important to know your behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. Things like not bathing, forgetting to eat, ignoring phone calls, lashing out at people who clearly do not deserve it, being late to everything, escapism... You know what your list is comprised of.
3. Break the goddamn cycle. Once you know that you've slipped, change the behaviors that keep you there. Start small. You don't have to organize a dance party and pretend everything's okay. You remember that feeling of loss? Just take control. Take a bath and spoil the shit out of yourself when you do it. Plan it so that there are no interruptions. Make it a ritual grooming, a meditation in its own right. When you are clean, you will notice other things that are not. Clean the house, rearrange the furniture if you have to; take control of your environment. Granted, this is easier if you live alone like I do. DO NOT run roughshod over other people at your house while trying to take care of yourself. Let them know what's going on, and what's going to happen. Forcing yourself to be social in this way will help as well.
4. Enjoy! Now I know, nothing's that simple, but once you've focused on the ritual cleaning and taking a little control of your environment, all that focus tends to sweep your old friend under the rug, if not throw her out on her ear. And please try not to feel ashamed or guilty about having "you time," because that's just counterproductive. Surround yourself with things you love, people who inspire you (and here on SG? Stupid easy to find amazing people!)... have a change of scenery. An adventure could do the trick, and curb-stomp your little blue friend for you and leave her for the rats. I know: it's sad, but you never liked the bitch anyway, did you? Besides, it's her or you. ALWAYS choose her go under the bus.
5. Always remember: You are worth more than her. Your depression is not who you are. It does not define you-- How you react to it does. Make it a reaction you can be proud of.
Sorry for the heavy blog. But then, a community shares the bad times along with the good, right? We're all just trying to make the best of a nonsensical, confusing, fucked-up world. Because I'm that guy, and all community minded, I'll perv with you (yes please!), laugh with you, get derpy with you, celebrate your achievements and cringe with you over your fails... (Without snickering. Totally. I did not snicker-- You can't prove a thing.) It also means that when you're down I'll sympathize, and when things get to be their worst, I'll cry with you, too.
That's what community is all about.
