I know this may seem sick to some but I have been saving emails documenting the end of my marriage. Thoughts, feelings and emails to friends.
I wish I had saved all of them, but I feel as if I need to post what I do have to help me let go.
Due to our lease we are stuck together for three more months. Since she is out of town for a week I finally have a chance to try and move on. Can't wait to see what kind of trouble I can get my self into tonight.
12/06/2005 Out of order but sets the tone.
Message to Shenya
How are things going? So so here. Things with Kelly and I are going to shit and the sad part is I'm at the point that I don't think I care anymore. It is sickening how much she has changed. She has become such a corporate slave, I only see her a few hours a day and when I do she is usually in a pissy mood and working on stuff that she brought home from the office or obsessing on something that she needed to get done at work and this is continuing to get worse. In her sleep she babbles about numbers, data, and reports. Every time I confront her about this she says "If you don't like it than leave!" WHAT THE FUCK!!! Furthermore she has been pushing me away and shutting me out of her life. We were trying to work this out, but I don't that will ever be possible, even though we are a lot alike we have nothing incommon anymore. I love her to death but I can't take it any more.
All my friends keep telling me I need to start thinking about my self which is something that I have never done. I have always put Kelly first why, I don't know. She has never been appreciative about anything that I have done for her since we got married. I never expected much of her other than to be there for me but she could not handle that simple task. I have always taken care of things around the house, done all the cooking and grocery shopping.
Yes I was her "Bitch" in the prison sence.
I think I may be moving to San Francisco in the spring, The Bay has been calling me since the first time I layed eyes on it, and it's voice is getting louder than ever. Kelly is the only reason I have stayed in the midwest. I love Chicago, but the winters are even colder now.
Sorry to lay this on you but I need someone other than the usual suspects to talk to right now.
11/28/2005
Drunken message to Michelle
I just wanted to thank you. You have always always been there for Kelly and I when either of us have needed a friend most. I've never been one to burden my friends with my problems I know that I shouldn't feel that way because that's impart what friends are there for. Colleen has been great and and a huge comfort through this. I'm so happy and lucky to have her here with us. These are the times when your friends matter most. I've never had a good relationship with my family so I have always seen my friends to be my true family and I know that I have been distant, But I now realize how important my relationship with others is.
I had always thought that Kelly would be together until the end. I thought that she was everything that I had ever wanted and needed, but somewhere along the way I found that I had neglected the ones that truly matter most. Maybe it was because She had become my best friend and then my wife. One, until death do us part! I guess I'm a fool for believing in that romanticize bull shit. When in the end your friends are the ones that will really be there for you.
The thing that hurts the most is that She is the most Beautiful and intelligent woman that I have ever known, and that I gave myself completely and totally to her with little in return, but that had never mattered at all to me. What mattered most was making Her happy, and it is KILLING ME that I am unable to do so anymore!
We both acknowledge that what we have is something that neither of us will ever be able to comprehend, but at the same time I don't think that neither of us will ever be able to give what the other needs. I FUCKING HATE THAT!!!
For me there is no greater pain than that of losing your spouse/best friend. She had always been EVERYTHING to me. Though I know it may be for the best, but at this point I feel as if the greatest part of me is dyeing
12/06/2005
Message to Shenya
It was good to chat with you. You made me feel much better about everything.
It is strange having your hart broken by someone and being able to put it back together while you are still living with that person. I guess thats where our friendship outweighs all else. I told my therapist and she had a hard time understanding this. This only proves that we will always be best friends. My main concern it that the person I end up with understands that. I'm not going to give up that friendship for anyone. I guess that maybe we are both ready for a break. We have agreed to carry on a platonic relationship for the duration of our lease which has been interesting. We are getting along a lot better and are talking more openly about things.
I'm quite excited to meet new people. I'm sure it will allow me to learn new things about who I am. There are so many beautiful and interesting women in the arts and music seen here. I think that I'd like to sample as much as I can before settling down this time. I'm not saying that I'm looking for random drunken hookups though.
Kelly is my best friend and I find her incredibly beautiful, but I have learned that it takes more than that for a relationship to be successful and I'm glad we learned this at a young age.
It is funny you mentioned Portland. The paragraph below if from a book that I started writing when this all began. It is funny how pain can stoke the creative fires.
On a side note this is a real reoccurring dream I have been having over the last few of months.
Lately I have been having this reoccurring dream about our future. I cant place where it is, but it is somewhere mountainous.
I know that it is someplace that neither of us has ever been before, maybe in the Pacific Northwest. Portland perhaps. We are living in a vintage Queen Ann house with grey siding and yellow trim. In the yard there is a wooden swing set with a slide, and a little red wagon by the shed. Which leads me to believe that we have children. Though their presents has yet to have been reviled. It is located on the top of a small hill. It is fall and we are out side raking and playing in the levees, rolling around together on the grass. And the two of us are happier than we have ever been. While in the midst of this the winds picks up and we are taken by it in each others arms. Her amber hair is flowing around her face, reviling every detail, and She is more beautiful than ever! It is so perfect that I wish never to awaken again.
I have been analyzing this but It still leaves me with a lot of questions
1. Is the pacific Northwest where I will find happyness?
2. If I were to move will Kelly return to me there at some point?
3. Was the woman even Kelly?
4. Was the fact that we were carried off by the wind holding on to each other me trying to tell myself it is time to let go?
Funny how quickly the mood can swing.
12/07/2005
Skipped work to drink the day away. Drunken email I never sent to her
I don't know what to do or say right now. I feel as if I need to go some where where I have no memories of you or my self for that matter.
I thought that I could go on here with out you but that is far from the truth... I know that I need to move out of our apartment but regardless of where I go I will always be haunted by memories of your face. For it is the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen. To make you smile is all the reward I need to make happy. I know you don't feel the same way and I thought I was strong enough to make it through the storm, but I can see that it is going to be an almost unbearable journey. I know that you have no idea of the amount of pain I am dealing with right now. One can only try and trick them self so much. There is nothing in this world that I had EVER wanted more than a lifetime with you. It is sad what a man is willing to endure for the love of a beautiful woman, and what's worse is when he learns that it is all for not. There is no comfort in friends, family, or anything else for that matter. Just a feeling of misery that is likely to follow him for years to come. For She is all he sees. She speaks to him in his dreams and thoughts of her fill his days. Nothing else matters! It is not just me obsessing but a fact! You have a power over the ones that desire your affection that you will never comprehend. And I'm not afraid to admit it. You have totally destroyed me!!! I can feel the warm and caring person that I once was dying. I am willing to wait until you finish grad school to start a family with you... Even if I were to remarry at some point and I ran into you on the street and you had children of your own. The sight of that would unbearable, because they were suppose to be mine. All my dreams are being crushed and ground in to tiny particles of dust and ash which I can physically see floating away from me in the cold winter breeze.
Some poems I have posted elsewhere on the site.
"Seperation"
Some days are harder than others. There is a numbness you feel while the burn in being inflicted, followed by a sharp stinging sensation.
As the hot iron that has been searing away at your skin is slowly removed the pain becomes more evident. The bits of flesh that had affixed its self to the hot steel rip away from the body, nerves and muscle tissue are exposed, ever so sensitive to the slightest touch. The softest burst of air can send you writhing in the most intense pain. These are the wounds that are almost impossible to dress, take the longest to heal, and leave behind disfiguring scars. With the reality of the situation sinking in I'm starting to feel the pull of the iron.
"The Spark"
Flames burn brightly as does love. As so a woman, the spark, unpredictable, beautiful and fainting, Inducing heat to the fuel, if fanned to profusely fire will emerge. But the intensity will causes will cause the light dissipate prematurely. Leaving behind chars with a desperate glow of what once was. But given the right amount of oxygen it will smolder and the heat will begin to rise. Embers emerge giving off traces of heat and a soft amber glow, transforming in to small rays of light. Light becomes the flame, slowly consuming the fuel of its desire. As the fire grows, the flame becomes more intense. Growing more and more dependent on the other for its very existences. Devouring every last bit of fuel until they both seize to exist.
I wish I had saved all of them, but I feel as if I need to post what I do have to help me let go.
Due to our lease we are stuck together for three more months. Since she is out of town for a week I finally have a chance to try and move on. Can't wait to see what kind of trouble I can get my self into tonight.
12/06/2005 Out of order but sets the tone.
Message to Shenya
How are things going? So so here. Things with Kelly and I are going to shit and the sad part is I'm at the point that I don't think I care anymore. It is sickening how much she has changed. She has become such a corporate slave, I only see her a few hours a day and when I do she is usually in a pissy mood and working on stuff that she brought home from the office or obsessing on something that she needed to get done at work and this is continuing to get worse. In her sleep she babbles about numbers, data, and reports. Every time I confront her about this she says "If you don't like it than leave!" WHAT THE FUCK!!! Furthermore she has been pushing me away and shutting me out of her life. We were trying to work this out, but I don't that will ever be possible, even though we are a lot alike we have nothing incommon anymore. I love her to death but I can't take it any more.
All my friends keep telling me I need to start thinking about my self which is something that I have never done. I have always put Kelly first why, I don't know. She has never been appreciative about anything that I have done for her since we got married. I never expected much of her other than to be there for me but she could not handle that simple task. I have always taken care of things around the house, done all the cooking and grocery shopping.
Yes I was her "Bitch" in the prison sence.
I think I may be moving to San Francisco in the spring, The Bay has been calling me since the first time I layed eyes on it, and it's voice is getting louder than ever. Kelly is the only reason I have stayed in the midwest. I love Chicago, but the winters are even colder now.
Sorry to lay this on you but I need someone other than the usual suspects to talk to right now.
11/28/2005
Drunken message to Michelle
I just wanted to thank you. You have always always been there for Kelly and I when either of us have needed a friend most. I've never been one to burden my friends with my problems I know that I shouldn't feel that way because that's impart what friends are there for. Colleen has been great and and a huge comfort through this. I'm so happy and lucky to have her here with us. These are the times when your friends matter most. I've never had a good relationship with my family so I have always seen my friends to be my true family and I know that I have been distant, But I now realize how important my relationship with others is.
I had always thought that Kelly would be together until the end. I thought that she was everything that I had ever wanted and needed, but somewhere along the way I found that I had neglected the ones that truly matter most. Maybe it was because She had become my best friend and then my wife. One, until death do us part! I guess I'm a fool for believing in that romanticize bull shit. When in the end your friends are the ones that will really be there for you.
The thing that hurts the most is that She is the most Beautiful and intelligent woman that I have ever known, and that I gave myself completely and totally to her with little in return, but that had never mattered at all to me. What mattered most was making Her happy, and it is KILLING ME that I am unable to do so anymore!
We both acknowledge that what we have is something that neither of us will ever be able to comprehend, but at the same time I don't think that neither of us will ever be able to give what the other needs. I FUCKING HATE THAT!!!
For me there is no greater pain than that of losing your spouse/best friend. She had always been EVERYTHING to me. Though I know it may be for the best, but at this point I feel as if the greatest part of me is dyeing
12/06/2005
Message to Shenya
It was good to chat with you. You made me feel much better about everything.
It is strange having your hart broken by someone and being able to put it back together while you are still living with that person. I guess thats where our friendship outweighs all else. I told my therapist and she had a hard time understanding this. This only proves that we will always be best friends. My main concern it that the person I end up with understands that. I'm not going to give up that friendship for anyone. I guess that maybe we are both ready for a break. We have agreed to carry on a platonic relationship for the duration of our lease which has been interesting. We are getting along a lot better and are talking more openly about things.
I'm quite excited to meet new people. I'm sure it will allow me to learn new things about who I am. There are so many beautiful and interesting women in the arts and music seen here. I think that I'd like to sample as much as I can before settling down this time. I'm not saying that I'm looking for random drunken hookups though.
Kelly is my best friend and I find her incredibly beautiful, but I have learned that it takes more than that for a relationship to be successful and I'm glad we learned this at a young age.
It is funny you mentioned Portland. The paragraph below if from a book that I started writing when this all began. It is funny how pain can stoke the creative fires.
On a side note this is a real reoccurring dream I have been having over the last few of months.
Lately I have been having this reoccurring dream about our future. I cant place where it is, but it is somewhere mountainous.
I know that it is someplace that neither of us has ever been before, maybe in the Pacific Northwest. Portland perhaps. We are living in a vintage Queen Ann house with grey siding and yellow trim. In the yard there is a wooden swing set with a slide, and a little red wagon by the shed. Which leads me to believe that we have children. Though their presents has yet to have been reviled. It is located on the top of a small hill. It is fall and we are out side raking and playing in the levees, rolling around together on the grass. And the two of us are happier than we have ever been. While in the midst of this the winds picks up and we are taken by it in each others arms. Her amber hair is flowing around her face, reviling every detail, and She is more beautiful than ever! It is so perfect that I wish never to awaken again.
I have been analyzing this but It still leaves me with a lot of questions
1. Is the pacific Northwest where I will find happyness?
2. If I were to move will Kelly return to me there at some point?
3. Was the woman even Kelly?
4. Was the fact that we were carried off by the wind holding on to each other me trying to tell myself it is time to let go?
Funny how quickly the mood can swing.
12/07/2005
Skipped work to drink the day away. Drunken email I never sent to her
I don't know what to do or say right now. I feel as if I need to go some where where I have no memories of you or my self for that matter.
I thought that I could go on here with out you but that is far from the truth... I know that I need to move out of our apartment but regardless of where I go I will always be haunted by memories of your face. For it is the most beautiful sight that I have ever seen. To make you smile is all the reward I need to make happy. I know you don't feel the same way and I thought I was strong enough to make it through the storm, but I can see that it is going to be an almost unbearable journey. I know that you have no idea of the amount of pain I am dealing with right now. One can only try and trick them self so much. There is nothing in this world that I had EVER wanted more than a lifetime with you. It is sad what a man is willing to endure for the love of a beautiful woman, and what's worse is when he learns that it is all for not. There is no comfort in friends, family, or anything else for that matter. Just a feeling of misery that is likely to follow him for years to come. For She is all he sees. She speaks to him in his dreams and thoughts of her fill his days. Nothing else matters! It is not just me obsessing but a fact! You have a power over the ones that desire your affection that you will never comprehend. And I'm not afraid to admit it. You have totally destroyed me!!! I can feel the warm and caring person that I once was dying. I am willing to wait until you finish grad school to start a family with you... Even if I were to remarry at some point and I ran into you on the street and you had children of your own. The sight of that would unbearable, because they were suppose to be mine. All my dreams are being crushed and ground in to tiny particles of dust and ash which I can physically see floating away from me in the cold winter breeze.
Some poems I have posted elsewhere on the site.
"Seperation"
Some days are harder than others. There is a numbness you feel while the burn in being inflicted, followed by a sharp stinging sensation.
As the hot iron that has been searing away at your skin is slowly removed the pain becomes more evident. The bits of flesh that had affixed its self to the hot steel rip away from the body, nerves and muscle tissue are exposed, ever so sensitive to the slightest touch. The softest burst of air can send you writhing in the most intense pain. These are the wounds that are almost impossible to dress, take the longest to heal, and leave behind disfiguring scars. With the reality of the situation sinking in I'm starting to feel the pull of the iron.
"The Spark"
Flames burn brightly as does love. As so a woman, the spark, unpredictable, beautiful and fainting, Inducing heat to the fuel, if fanned to profusely fire will emerge. But the intensity will causes will cause the light dissipate prematurely. Leaving behind chars with a desperate glow of what once was. But given the right amount of oxygen it will smolder and the heat will begin to rise. Embers emerge giving off traces of heat and a soft amber glow, transforming in to small rays of light. Light becomes the flame, slowly consuming the fuel of its desire. As the fire grows, the flame becomes more intense. Growing more and more dependent on the other for its very existences. Devouring every last bit of fuel until they both seize to exist.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
HUGS
This part yelled itself at me. I SO know what you mean man! The giving of all to her was perhaps the biggest mistake I made. In the process I lost myself which had two really bad results - first, she couldn't find 'me' anymore and second, when she left my life I was emptied.
So a big lesson I'm going to try and hang on to for next time is to never lose the self. Even the most 'beautiful and intelligent woman' in the world is still outside of ourself. She is external and it's easy to lose sight of that. Know what I mean?
Anyway, I'm in no position to offer advice - still haven't even given up thoughts of winning my own most beautiful and intelligent woman back