In my recent hunt for employment I happened across a sign up in the window of a branch of The Body Shop in town, beckoning me inside to apply for part time work, seducing me with the sweet smell of nature and pictures of naked women hiding their breasts with pots of orange body butter made from the finest goats tears.
Now, for those of you who may not know, The Body Shop is a British chain thats dedicated to being all natural, environmentalist, totally and utterly against any forms of pollution, animal testing and all that sort of thing. This is all well and good, power to the people and all that, but when I actually looked over the form the questions werewell, ridiculous. These people are pathetically picky when choosing even part time staff, who are only going to stand around behind a till for 5 hours a day.
So I decided to fill it in. The questions are all real questions from the form.
What achievements are you most proud of? (These may be work - related or personal)
My discovery that perfume and/or aftershave IS infact harmful to small dogs, particularly when administered to the eyes/mouth/anus with a straw. Also, I once managed to form and sustain my own country in a small, unpopulated area of Carmarthenshire for a week before John Law found out. I called it Euphoria. No Jews or Blacks allowed.
What do you like doing in your spare time?
Testing harmful chemicals on animals, eating Nestl products, advising new mothers not to breast feed their babies, making coats out of rare species of bird.
What is your favourite music?
Wagner.
What are your favourite books?
Im partial to the works of Beckett, Sartre and have a soft spot for Tennessee Williams. And The Anarchists Cookbook.
What are your favourite films?
Romper Stomper, American History X, Blazin Saddles.
What are your favourite possessions and why?
Switchblade, short length of hose and my trusty crowbar Old Rusty. For it is with these tools that I shall cleanse the earth of sin. Also, my dishwasher is a blessing!
Describe your most enjoyable journey or holiday
Last week I visited an abattoir. I could smell death. It smelt sweet.
What was your most interesting challenge?
Whenever I see someone out walking a small dog I find it extremely hard to resist the urge to kick a field goal with the little fucker. Seriously, IS THAT A DOG OR A RAT LADY?!
Which person, living or dead, do you admire most and why?
Derek Acorah. I dont care what they say about you Derek, I BELIEVE!
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Liberalism, fidgeting
Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
God
On what occasions do you lie?
Court
What makes you angry?
Liberalism, fidgeting
What is your favourite quotation?
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"
Give five one-word descriptions of yourself
Kind, caring, considerate, funny, correct
If you are unemployed at present, or started your present job within three months, please give details of your last employer, dates employed and reasons for leaving:
I am my own boss. I consider myself to be very independent. This way no one else can take my credit when the Rapture is come.
What are the most important qualities that a sales advisor should have?
Listening to the customer, whether its queries or comments and suggestions, helping in any way possible with a friendly and positive attitude. Not leaning in closely and smelling them deeply, not matter how strong the urge may be.
How would you define Customer Care?
The customer is always right. If they are wrong they must be punished.
Have you worked previously for The Body Shop, or have you applied for a post with us before? If so, please give details
Information withheld for legal reasons
Im still debating whether or not to hand it back in. Possibly stare at the person behind the counter for a little too long, then leave.
All answers are obviously fake and ridiculous, except the question about small dogs. Seriously, fuck them.
Now, for those of you who may not know, The Body Shop is a British chain thats dedicated to being all natural, environmentalist, totally and utterly against any forms of pollution, animal testing and all that sort of thing. This is all well and good, power to the people and all that, but when I actually looked over the form the questions werewell, ridiculous. These people are pathetically picky when choosing even part time staff, who are only going to stand around behind a till for 5 hours a day.
So I decided to fill it in. The questions are all real questions from the form.
What achievements are you most proud of? (These may be work - related or personal)
My discovery that perfume and/or aftershave IS infact harmful to small dogs, particularly when administered to the eyes/mouth/anus with a straw. Also, I once managed to form and sustain my own country in a small, unpopulated area of Carmarthenshire for a week before John Law found out. I called it Euphoria. No Jews or Blacks allowed.
What do you like doing in your spare time?
Testing harmful chemicals on animals, eating Nestl products, advising new mothers not to breast feed their babies, making coats out of rare species of bird.
What is your favourite music?
Wagner.
What are your favourite books?
Im partial to the works of Beckett, Sartre and have a soft spot for Tennessee Williams. And The Anarchists Cookbook.
What are your favourite films?
Romper Stomper, American History X, Blazin Saddles.
What are your favourite possessions and why?
Switchblade, short length of hose and my trusty crowbar Old Rusty. For it is with these tools that I shall cleanse the earth of sin. Also, my dishwasher is a blessing!
Describe your most enjoyable journey or holiday
Last week I visited an abattoir. I could smell death. It smelt sweet.
What was your most interesting challenge?
Whenever I see someone out walking a small dog I find it extremely hard to resist the urge to kick a field goal with the little fucker. Seriously, IS THAT A DOG OR A RAT LADY?!
Which person, living or dead, do you admire most and why?
Derek Acorah. I dont care what they say about you Derek, I BELIEVE!
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Liberalism, fidgeting
Who or what is the greatest love of your life?
God
On what occasions do you lie?
Court
What makes you angry?
Liberalism, fidgeting
What is your favourite quotation?
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"
Give five one-word descriptions of yourself
Kind, caring, considerate, funny, correct
If you are unemployed at present, or started your present job within three months, please give details of your last employer, dates employed and reasons for leaving:
I am my own boss. I consider myself to be very independent. This way no one else can take my credit when the Rapture is come.
What are the most important qualities that a sales advisor should have?
Listening to the customer, whether its queries or comments and suggestions, helping in any way possible with a friendly and positive attitude. Not leaning in closely and smelling them deeply, not matter how strong the urge may be.
How would you define Customer Care?
The customer is always right. If they are wrong they must be punished.
Have you worked previously for The Body Shop, or have you applied for a post with us before? If so, please give details
Information withheld for legal reasons
Im still debating whether or not to hand it back in. Possibly stare at the person behind the counter for a little too long, then leave.
All answers are obviously fake and ridiculous, except the question about small dogs. Seriously, fuck them.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
I have to go to bed, I'm going a bit crazy and commenting on everything on this bloody site whether I give a shit or not.
One day I will have proper internet access and msn and I will catch up on your tales of guineapigness and things properly instead of always thinking "I should find out what's happening with Jamie" and not actually doing it.