You're having thoughts and urges to stab the shit out of people you love, including yourself (possibly the one person you love most of all ). At times these urges seem so strong that its as if they're what you really want and its only a matter of time before you snap, go out to the kitchen, grab a breadknife and gleefully perform a little arts and crafts on yourself and everyone else.
These thoughts fill you sickness, depression, doubt and dread.
"What fuck is wrong with me?"
"Is this is real me trying to break out after years of hiding?"
"Do I really want to do all these gruesome things?"
IS YOU A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER
If you've resisted and doubted the urges then no, you is not.
But congratulations, you have a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
And so do I.
The stereotypical view of someone with OCD is usually the Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets version. Dont step on cracks in the pavement, wash your hands after touching other people, have to have everything orderly and tidy. Sure, there are people like that, but thats not everyone. Thats not me.
My living space is a mess, Im a disorganised person without much of a care for neatness or cleanliness. My hygiene is okay but sometimes I can let it go without worrying. Sure I have routines that Ive stuck to for years, but I can give them up if Im not at home or there are people here. Im not Jack Nicholson. I have "Pure O".
Pure O type OCD is a type thats mainly psychological. Although pure O sufferers may have routines and such, they rarely hold as much levity as the things they are thinking. Every time they're happy there's a distinct part of their brain telling them they're not. Every time they see a movie about a serial killer, there's a part of their brain that tells them they're the same. If they let it take hold it can totally take over their mind. The difference between OCD and schizophrenia though, is that the OCD sufferer knows that however alien these thoughts seem, they're a product of their own mind.
"What if Im a peadophile but Im just in denial?"
Where does that thought come from? Who knows? Its brain garbage, doesnt mean anything, most people could forget it if they had it. Not the Pure O sufferer. They'll fixate on it, they'll debate it over and over for days, weeks or months. They fear that if they let the thought go and relax it'll come back as an uncontrollable urge that they will act on. So they have to be on the watch constantly, checking and monitoring their own thoughts and urges.
It gets in the way of sleep, it gets in the way of eating. It gets in the way of everything.
So really brain, what the fuck?
Well, its thought mainly that this disorder is caused by a lack of serotonin in the brain. Being a neurotransmitter, serotonin carries messages back and forth, so a lack of it means certain messages dont get through. They get stuck. Essentially communication between your concious mind and your instincts gets stuck and you cant get it moving again.
"Holy shit Crackerman you're right! I have this too! And here I was thinking I was nuts. But what oh what can I do about these thoughts?"
As of yet, Im not entirely sure. Next Monday I have an appointment to get a referral so I can see an OCD specialist. The main treatment for all types of OCD is cognitive behavioural therapy, sometimes coupled with antidepressants (raising the level of serotonin makes sense), to restructure the way you interperate your thoughts. One of the best methods is, so I read, Exposure and Response Prevention. Exposing the sufferer to the thing they fear until they're numb to it and no longer have an emotional response.
Obviously with pure O you start thinking "but what if I just get numb to the urges to kill my pets and actually do them!"
Leave that one to the therapist, they'll know what to do. Its a fact that people suffering from OCD which focuses on violent/sexual/innappropriate urges rarely actually go through with them. Obviously this fact isnt enough from someone with pure O, they worry will keep coming. The reason you fixate on these thoughts and worry about stuff like that is anxiety. The anxiety creates the doubt, the doubt creates the anxiety. Round and round all the time.
Why I decided to post some sort of amatuer fact sheet about OCD Im not sure. Typing about it somewhat eleviates it. I guess Im hoping someone else who's been putting up with this and didnt know why will read it and come to the realisation that I did: you're not nuts, just defective.
But its a treatable defect.
I know what you're thinking. "I wish there was just an off switch for OCD." There is, but you keep going back to make sure that you turned it off.
These thoughts fill you sickness, depression, doubt and dread.
"What fuck is wrong with me?"
"Is this is real me trying to break out after years of hiding?"
"Do I really want to do all these gruesome things?"
IS YOU A CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER
If you've resisted and doubted the urges then no, you is not.
But congratulations, you have a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
And so do I.
The stereotypical view of someone with OCD is usually the Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets version. Dont step on cracks in the pavement, wash your hands after touching other people, have to have everything orderly and tidy. Sure, there are people like that, but thats not everyone. Thats not me.
My living space is a mess, Im a disorganised person without much of a care for neatness or cleanliness. My hygiene is okay but sometimes I can let it go without worrying. Sure I have routines that Ive stuck to for years, but I can give them up if Im not at home or there are people here. Im not Jack Nicholson. I have "Pure O".
Pure O type OCD is a type thats mainly psychological. Although pure O sufferers may have routines and such, they rarely hold as much levity as the things they are thinking. Every time they're happy there's a distinct part of their brain telling them they're not. Every time they see a movie about a serial killer, there's a part of their brain that tells them they're the same. If they let it take hold it can totally take over their mind. The difference between OCD and schizophrenia though, is that the OCD sufferer knows that however alien these thoughts seem, they're a product of their own mind.
"What if Im a peadophile but Im just in denial?"
Where does that thought come from? Who knows? Its brain garbage, doesnt mean anything, most people could forget it if they had it. Not the Pure O sufferer. They'll fixate on it, they'll debate it over and over for days, weeks or months. They fear that if they let the thought go and relax it'll come back as an uncontrollable urge that they will act on. So they have to be on the watch constantly, checking and monitoring their own thoughts and urges.
It gets in the way of sleep, it gets in the way of eating. It gets in the way of everything.
So really brain, what the fuck?
Well, its thought mainly that this disorder is caused by a lack of serotonin in the brain. Being a neurotransmitter, serotonin carries messages back and forth, so a lack of it means certain messages dont get through. They get stuck. Essentially communication between your concious mind and your instincts gets stuck and you cant get it moving again.
"Holy shit Crackerman you're right! I have this too! And here I was thinking I was nuts. But what oh what can I do about these thoughts?"
As of yet, Im not entirely sure. Next Monday I have an appointment to get a referral so I can see an OCD specialist. The main treatment for all types of OCD is cognitive behavioural therapy, sometimes coupled with antidepressants (raising the level of serotonin makes sense), to restructure the way you interperate your thoughts. One of the best methods is, so I read, Exposure and Response Prevention. Exposing the sufferer to the thing they fear until they're numb to it and no longer have an emotional response.
Obviously with pure O you start thinking "but what if I just get numb to the urges to kill my pets and actually do them!"
Leave that one to the therapist, they'll know what to do. Its a fact that people suffering from OCD which focuses on violent/sexual/innappropriate urges rarely actually go through with them. Obviously this fact isnt enough from someone with pure O, they worry will keep coming. The reason you fixate on these thoughts and worry about stuff like that is anxiety. The anxiety creates the doubt, the doubt creates the anxiety. Round and round all the time.
Why I decided to post some sort of amatuer fact sheet about OCD Im not sure. Typing about it somewhat eleviates it. I guess Im hoping someone else who's been putting up with this and didnt know why will read it and come to the realisation that I did: you're not nuts, just defective.
But its a treatable defect.
I know what you're thinking. "I wish there was just an off switch for OCD." There is, but you keep going back to make sure that you turned it off.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
I'd call to wish you a good one but I don't know if I have your number and I can't make msn work even though people keep suddenly messaging me on it.
Hope you're all good, talk to me sometime xx