cowgirlinthesnow

If in my last blog I said that I'd lost myself since having my baby, last Saturday night I "found myself". And you know what? I hated it. I got pissed (drunk, for you non-Aussies) out of my brains and slutted around like I always had. My partner, for some reason, didn't mind when I made out with one of my old co-workers (who we both have always had the hots for) and tried to get them, in turn, to make out with each other. I was so damn eager for a threesome that I bordered on obsessive. It was disgusting. It was like I was having a mid-life crisis. It had been so long since I had drank alcohol, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was flirting with and teasing anybody I crossed eyes with. Of course, those at the party knew and remembered this side of myself and none were surprised but I, once remembering the details of the night before in the morning, was absolutely horrified. Horrified! I felt depressed the entire next day because it was as if I had objectified my ex- co-worker and as a feminist, that is something I've never seen myself doing. Sure, back before my pregnancy I was incredibly sexual and engaged with a great deal of people, but I was never so damn desperate! I was grabbing her, groping her, and inviting my partner to do the same. I don't remember once asking her if any of this behaviour was ok with her. I was so afraid that both her and my partner would now hate me...

But my partner understood. He just smiled and accepted the way I was acting. He didn't get off on it, no, but he wasn't at all jealous or questioning my behaviour. He knows all about the difficulties I have with accepting my new role as a mother. And my co-worker? She loved it all! I couldn't believe it. I was so sure she'd avoid me and find everything about the night awkward and hurtful but it sounds as if she's eager to continue from where we left things that night. I'm not anymore, I'm still disgusted by my behaviour, but it's such a relief to have those around me understand me and enjoy me.

It's hard to explain, but I guess another main reason why I felt bad was because if my son knew anything about the way I was acting that night, it would send him terrible messages about women and sexuality when I want him to learn respect and equality. I'm still figuring out how I want to raise him and what qualities I want to encourage in him. He's only two months old, I know, but i have to start somewhere, right?

What I have to do is find a place somewhere in the middle. I know I was close to finding that place just before my pregnancy but I have to figure it out again because it's all different now with the baby...

And my boyfriend just reminded me that in a couple of weeks we're seeing the Pixies at their first show ever in our city!! Yeehaaaa!! Haha, I haven't seen a band play in ages, what a fantastic way to kick it off.