I'm feeling much better. 
And though no one saw fit to bring me chicken soup, I shall share the story of god's visit to safeway.
When I first saw her she looked a little bedraggled, she seemed a little lost and confused. Then she began YELLING, "BOB, REMEMBER NOT TO USE ALL THE FOODSTAMPS SHARON HAS TO SHOP WITH THEM TOO".
The entire store was made aware that this Bob person should not use all of the foodstamps because apparently Sharon needed to shop as well. As this woman came in by herself I have to assume this was prophecy. Unfortunately security was alerted and our Lord was put under constant surveillance.
Then she began baptizing a woman with her spit. A perfectly merciful act, I'm sure the woman she was baptizing with mass amounts of saliva was a horrible sinner that needed to be saved. But again security took it badly and asked her to leave the store.
Apparently she had more sinners to save in the downtown Safeway, because she then felt it necessary to reveal her true identity as our god.
"I AM GOD, I AM THE LORD, HE'S TRYING TO KICK OUT THE LORD."
At this time our security guard must have been smitten with some sort of giggle curse, I would have thought he would have been in awe at the miracle, for his last name is Lord.
She then appealed to a higher authority.
"WHERE IS THE MANAGER, I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER."
Our manager must also be some kind of grievous sinner for as soon as she came within range, God dropped her groceries, and attempted to baptize her with hot coffee.
At this time god was put in a arm lock and forced into the back room while the police were called.
I was saddened to witness such blatant disregard for God's ultimate authority.
I was glad not to have witnessed what then happened to God, for according to others she said then, "Verily, I shall tell the police of your gang raping me. Lo and all those that speaketh unto me, must now hearken and shuteth up."
I trust gods words completely and as she was led out of the store in handcuffs by armed police officers, I silently swore to myself that I would find those that abused her so heinously, and baptize them, that they may be forgiven of her wrath on judgment day.
I feel privileged to have been able to look upon the face of god, and to have been in her presence.
And though no one saw fit to bring me chicken soup, I shall share the story of god's visit to safeway.
When I first saw her she looked a little bedraggled, she seemed a little lost and confused. Then she began YELLING, "BOB, REMEMBER NOT TO USE ALL THE FOODSTAMPS SHARON HAS TO SHOP WITH THEM TOO".
The entire store was made aware that this Bob person should not use all of the foodstamps because apparently Sharon needed to shop as well. As this woman came in by herself I have to assume this was prophecy. Unfortunately security was alerted and our Lord was put under constant surveillance.
Then she began baptizing a woman with her spit. A perfectly merciful act, I'm sure the woman she was baptizing with mass amounts of saliva was a horrible sinner that needed to be saved. But again security took it badly and asked her to leave the store.
Apparently she had more sinners to save in the downtown Safeway, because she then felt it necessary to reveal her true identity as our god.
"I AM GOD, I AM THE LORD, HE'S TRYING TO KICK OUT THE LORD."
At this time our security guard must have been smitten with some sort of giggle curse, I would have thought he would have been in awe at the miracle, for his last name is Lord.
She then appealed to a higher authority.
"WHERE IS THE MANAGER, I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER."
Our manager must also be some kind of grievous sinner for as soon as she came within range, God dropped her groceries, and attempted to baptize her with hot coffee.
At this time god was put in a arm lock and forced into the back room while the police were called.
I was saddened to witness such blatant disregard for God's ultimate authority.
I was glad not to have witnessed what then happened to God, for according to others she said then, "Verily, I shall tell the police of your gang raping me. Lo and all those that speaketh unto me, must now hearken and shuteth up."
I trust gods words completely and as she was led out of the store in handcuffs by armed police officers, I silently swore to myself that I would find those that abused her so heinously, and baptize them, that they may be forgiven of her wrath on judgment day.
I feel privileged to have been able to look upon the face of god, and to have been in her presence.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
demigauge:
i think i saw god just now in my bathroom taking a shit.heheheheh
_sarah_:
Hilarious and brilliant story... that made my day. 