coolheart

Aspirations of surrender.

This is not a particularly happy post. So all you happy extroverts, turn and run now before someone gets hurt.

I bailed off this muther fucker a couple of days ago in an attempt to run from something bad I did. Perhaps internally I made too much of it, but nevertheless at the time the action seemed to be appropriate to the offense. Of course the realization that this journal (my first) is actually a healthy release.

Christmas and this month in general were about as low as they have ever been in years past. Being the black sheep that I am in my family, its a not the most comforting luke warm social situation it is for many. This being the case, it causes me to look internally in ways I dont do generally. The view was not a happy one this year.

I'm gonna run from everything
Everything that holds me down
Nothing to win, nothing to lose
You can't tell me what to do anymore
- Vast, Land of Shame

Why is it that ones social dysfunctions rear themselves at the worst times? I mean we all have them. Some refer to them as baggage. Id like to think I have carry-on. What happened back then to instill these variables into our physique? For me I think it was growing up in a household were my parents hated each other for almost all of my memories. The didnt get divorced, well, not till I went out of the house after high school. What kind of a recipe for failure is that to put on a child where adult relationships are concerned? FUCK.

You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
- A Perfect Circle, Judith

Of course they meant well, keeping the family unit whole. But jesus christ, wouldnt it have been better for a child to observe two happy or content adults throughout his developing years, rather than two people who are magnetically identical, thus thrusting themselves to opposite ends of the house on a daily basis.

Thus this is my life and how I see it now. Going from relationship to relationship, not finding the one. Is it me? Perhaps. I tend to end all of them, so diagnose that. Is it the male insecurity? Fearful of reliving what my parents had? All I know, is that many around me have found what I crave. The compatibility with someone that only comes once or twice in a lifetime.

Now, what I would give
what I would try...
to be with just an ordinary girl
what I would give again, only if I...
could be with just an ordinary girl
- Earshot, Ordinary Girl

Once I thought I had it, but it ended with the most painful phonetical I ever received. 4 am waking me up to say its over. Just a day before, I had covered her bed (we shared each others keys) with roses, redwine, and body shop massage oil. To me, she was the one. Wrong.

Now, what I would give
what I would try...
to be with just an ordinary girl
what I would give again, only if I...
could be with just an ordinary girl
- Earshot, Ordinary Girl

On top of all this, I have no idea what most women want. Im not the beef cake. Im not the emo boy. Im not the intellectual. Im not the artist (well, trying). I do not have a million dollars. What I am is honest, trustworthy, aware, romantic, witty, and respectful.

Why is it that so many fucking times women go after that asshole and then I hear about it. Am I the nice guy? Well, the next time Im approached with that.......hey, you picked him. I dont need this.

Perhaps many are right now saying....you fucking wimp. Youre not special. Look around you. Life is difficult.

Im so sick of these feelings. Its almost like I have a closer relationship with my feelings than Ive ever had with a person.

Lifell go on. Maybe therell be change. I think I may actually look into starting a relationship with a therapist. I just am concerned that what I can afford ( a general therapist) is not what I need (a Dr. Phil to tell me to smarten the fuck up).

I took this picture tonight. It's a tree outside my house. Living quitely amoungst others, not touching anyone.


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