committed

So lately I've been from Wyoming to Portland and now to Boston Mass...
A Lot has happened, and a lot hasn't happened, as it was planned, but that's ok cause I'm dealing with things as they come. Last few days I've been writting a shit ton, and eventhough my leg is realllly bad and my wheelchair is broken and I'm stuck in this apartment with no one to hang out with, I am content with things. This situation reminds me all too much of when I was in Wyoming. Stuck in a room with a TV and computer nearby, but no one to talk to...
Situations like these put me into a stage of reclusiveness. I become trapt in my own world and lost in my own mind.
It's not like it's really a bad thing. I mean it helps me focus on my writting...and seeing I've been getting sick on an every-3-hour-basis, I dont mind dealing with that on my own. I mean phoenixshadow is here, but most days he works, like "normal" people do. Let me just say, phoenixshadow is one fuckin kick ass guy. Seriously, any straight girl would be fuckin' lucky to have him. Hahaha Rocky Horror again tomoz is gonna be fab fab!! Hopefully I will be feeling better...
On another note, my disease is getting really bad. The pain and disappointment warps my mind and destroys my confidence. I just wish that one day I could just be happy and could just jump around and laugh without being thrown into a downward spiral of pain.

Anyways, here is some of my new writting...

LITTLE GIRL INSIDE
Harvest all the fears.
Rescue the little disenchanted girl
who is drowning in my tears...

Dry her off and keep her warm,
let her wish upon a star.
Let her know it may come true,
Bring her dreams back from afar.

And take away her cynisism,
and take away her pain.
Silence all her nightly tremors,
keep her calm and sane.

Offer her a caring world,
That which she has been denied.
Make it soft, and make it sweet,
So I can free this little girl inside.

APOLOGY
My head hangs with shame,
so embarrassed by the things I've done.
I open my eyes and see what I've lost.
Funny, I used to think I had won.

Our sweet memories
have been ripped apart.
All to satisfy a frivolous game
played by a careless heart.

Used you and abused you,
claimed you were nothing but a tool.
Confused you and then bruised you,
But it was I that played the fool.

For I care more than I care to show,
and you mean more than I'll ever let you know.

A friend and a lover,
a confidante undercover

And I tried to play you for a fool.

Tell me, is there nothing I could say,
to take all my bad deeds away?
From my heart, know this true,
I'm sorry for what I've done to you.

But please don't pretend to forgive me,
or tell me "everything's okay"
I know it's not.
Please, just turn and walk away.

MY DISEASE
Your words, they're obnoxious
They're making me sick
All these cuts and bruises
I'm bleeding in the core
Of my very being, It isn't here anymore
All I want is to go where I don't exist
A place where I lay broken
And your words, they are dismissed
All of my thoughts are questioning my beliefs
And all of my anger is becoming my disease
So many ways to live my life
Yet I'm living it now
Like I'm living a lie
You think you're gaining control over me
I'M NOT GIVING IN!
You don't even know me
And you can't control me
All I want is to go where I don't exist
A place where I lay broken
And your words, they are dismissed
All of my thoughts are questioning my beliefs
And all of my anger is becoming my disease
All I need is a little space
Just let me breath
Ripped open
I'm wrenched apart
Don't ask me questions
Don't ask me questions!
You never wanted to know from the start
Recovering from this pain
Set in stone - Watch me change
Nothing left
Except this disease in my veins
All I want is to go where I don't exist
A place where I lay broken
And your words, they are dismissed
All of my thoughts are questioning my beliefs
And all of my anger is becoming my disease!

MY DISEASE #2
This is my disease
I can't keep it in, my walls are falling apart
All I want to do
Is take this knife through your heart
I'm drowning in my sorrow
Perhaps I'm already dead (GONE)
My disease is pulling ahead
Causing these feelings of dread
Twisting and turning , I just hope to die (GOODBYE)
My disease has killed me inside
It's worked its way through my veins
Leaving me with all of this pain
My disease. It has consumed me! (CONTROL)
My disease. It has control! (TAKE HOLD)
Your words, they've been dismissed
And I no longer exist
This disease has taken over
I can't control myself
Your words play over and over
Sanity is just a fiery myth
My disease, it contorts my life
My disease, it consumes me
My disease, its spreading
My disease, it has infected you! (I'VE FOUND YOU)
Your words, they've been dismissed
And I no longer exist
This is my disease...

And Now for some PICS...































Maybe here soon I'll be able to hangout with some of you Massholes... i.e. Bostonians
Hope you all enjoy my writtings/pics
Love ya all!!

~ps ...ending up in the hospital two nights in a row and not getting home till almost 4am...by yourself...
isn't fun...just to let you all know...