Pirate is the craziest dude I have ever met. He talks some amazing shit, and doesn't even flinch when you call him on it. This is what I have documented so far:
⁃ Secret Service
⁃ Spy--like 007
⁃ CSI
⁃ UN
⁃ Marines
⁃ Doctor/Surgeon (a damn good one)
⁃ Vet
⁃ commercial pilot
⁃ tried to get the staff to advance him 300,000UGX (Ugandan shillings equalling about $185) to go to another town
⁃ 6 hours of sex a day, every day
⁃ 8 orgasms of varying kinds
⁃ penis larger than an African's
⁃ willing to explain the ins and outs of female anatomy and orgasm
⁃ Jewish who's family was killed in the Holocaust--threatened to kill a German. Later, spoke with several Germans.
⁃ al Qaeda operative
⁃ Catholic who's grandfather is a priest
⁃ training for a marathon--5 trips to the Cathedral a day, but he couldn't climb Wayna Picchu 'cause it was too hard or run from James, but has climbed the tallest mountain in the states
⁃ herbalist
⁃ drug smuggler on the run from the feds. It's still okay for him to get money transferred from his accounts, though, 'cause he filled out paperwork.
⁃ needs chips because his mouth tastes like vagina
⁃ gave his suitcase full of cigarettes to the embassy, who is getting him his money
⁃ offered sex toys and demonstration of them to a woman who's guy wasn't yet here
⁃ convinced the taxi driver James and a guy from Singapore to go to Murchison Falls, only to be found out as broke halfway there. When he discovered that they were turning around, he ran on the highway until they caught him and dragged him back. Guy from Singapore ditched town and fast. Later, Pirate talked loads of shit about James attacking him, then pretended to be his friend.
⁃ brother was killed in 'Nam
⁃ saved either a bunch of people or animals on 9/11--the latter earning him a commendation from Bush--and got injured
⁃ got his leg slammed in the door of a boda-boda (a motorcycle)
⁃ Charges money for cigs, but bums them from others
⁃ calls Uta "Utah"
⁃ Spoke Spanish with Horacio 'cause he used to live in Quito. Apparently had 50 cats, 100 dogs, and grew asparagus (largest such farm in Peru)
⁃ won't speak to the Italians, the Dutch, or the Germans (see above) OR Leos and Scorpios
⁃ has the fastest streetcar in the world (but not a small penis)
⁃ has the richest family in New York, or is the richest man in the world, or the richest Jew in America
⁃ went from Kampala to Nairobi and back in 4 hours
⁃ trains male dogs 'cause female dogs are impossible to train just like female humans
⁃ 2nd smartest man in the world
⁃ taught his wife how to orgasm
⁃ knows more about women than a woman because he's done surgery on them
⁃ spent all day at the consulate supposedly discussing secret service stuff and getting important briefings--really took advantage of 1 allowed phone call to spend 6 hrs on the phone long distance and got an old document on safe places to travel for tourists
⁃ doesn't like blonds
⁃ has a jet--fastest in the world
⁃ daughter is a supermodel
⁃ needed to call a judge 'cause his ex is trying to steal his money and this judge is suing him; forced Frankie to call repeatedly for him, but the number was wrong
⁃ people think he is drunk because he has West Nile (might mean Nile Special beer, instead)
⁃ used to get called cowboy because he roped steers
⁃ got hit by a boda-boda
⁃ Africans problems are a result of having no confidence due to things like slavery, not working, lack of physical exercise--shouldn't question lack of jobs or impact of global markets or seek to exceed expectations or limits
⁃ thinks being a Jew at Colorado State is comparable to growing up in a village in Africa
⁃ assertive and passive aggressive are the same thing
⁃ draws female anatomy for the laydeez
⁃ Lindsy "beat the shit" out of a woman who knocked on his door at night for sex
⁃ all women have manipulated him
⁃ wants to be be president of Uganda to get rid of the Indian "rag heads"
⁃ says in New York, it is slang to call your partner "shortie" or "nigger" (rightfully rebuked)
⁃ says McCain is going to win
⁃ didn't pay a boda-boda driver--told the hostel staff to put it on his tab
⁃ doesn't like food
⁃ guilts people into eating his food, which is better than anyone else's food
⁃ will give dance lessons, or pay to dance with adults and children alike
⁃ has two ungoogleable names in the hostel registration book
⁃ you can tell it's going to rain when the monkeys go to their home--which is somewhere far, far away from the compound instead of where they really are most of the time
⁃ he looks like Dr. Chapitin
⁃ had a pineapple like the last crazy guy who was here
⁃ Bob Dylan played his 50th birthday and gave him guitar lessons, but it's no fun because he is high on cocaine and Grand Marnier
⁃ Bob Marley played his 5th birthday party, but was high all the time, too
⁃ can get a hummer for $25,000
⁃ is best friends with the Sultan of Brunei
⁃ would pay 4000UGX for Rachel to play her guitar, but not more
⁃ admits he is "maybe" full of shit, but not full of shit
⁃ in charge of all the wildlife in a local animal hospital--mostly chimpanzees and stuff
⁃ watches dogs have sex with each other?
⁃ killed six people the other day
⁃ talks about drugging his wife's drinks so she'll drink less, then offers to buy drinks for 18-year-old girls (I intervened)
I'm sure there will be more, but that's all I have so far.
⁃ Secret Service
⁃ Spy--like 007
⁃ CSI
⁃ UN
⁃ Marines
⁃ Doctor/Surgeon (a damn good one)
⁃ Vet
⁃ commercial pilot
⁃ tried to get the staff to advance him 300,000UGX (Ugandan shillings equalling about $185) to go to another town
⁃ 6 hours of sex a day, every day
⁃ 8 orgasms of varying kinds
⁃ penis larger than an African's
⁃ willing to explain the ins and outs of female anatomy and orgasm
⁃ Jewish who's family was killed in the Holocaust--threatened to kill a German. Later, spoke with several Germans.
⁃ al Qaeda operative
⁃ Catholic who's grandfather is a priest
⁃ training for a marathon--5 trips to the Cathedral a day, but he couldn't climb Wayna Picchu 'cause it was too hard or run from James, but has climbed the tallest mountain in the states
⁃ herbalist
⁃ drug smuggler on the run from the feds. It's still okay for him to get money transferred from his accounts, though, 'cause he filled out paperwork.
⁃ needs chips because his mouth tastes like vagina
⁃ gave his suitcase full of cigarettes to the embassy, who is getting him his money
⁃ offered sex toys and demonstration of them to a woman who's guy wasn't yet here
⁃ convinced the taxi driver James and a guy from Singapore to go to Murchison Falls, only to be found out as broke halfway there. When he discovered that they were turning around, he ran on the highway until they caught him and dragged him back. Guy from Singapore ditched town and fast. Later, Pirate talked loads of shit about James attacking him, then pretended to be his friend.
⁃ brother was killed in 'Nam
⁃ saved either a bunch of people or animals on 9/11--the latter earning him a commendation from Bush--and got injured
⁃ got his leg slammed in the door of a boda-boda (a motorcycle)
⁃ Charges money for cigs, but bums them from others
⁃ calls Uta "Utah"
⁃ Spoke Spanish with Horacio 'cause he used to live in Quito. Apparently had 50 cats, 100 dogs, and grew asparagus (largest such farm in Peru)
⁃ won't speak to the Italians, the Dutch, or the Germans (see above) OR Leos and Scorpios
⁃ has the fastest streetcar in the world (but not a small penis)
⁃ has the richest family in New York, or is the richest man in the world, or the richest Jew in America
⁃ went from Kampala to Nairobi and back in 4 hours
⁃ trains male dogs 'cause female dogs are impossible to train just like female humans
⁃ 2nd smartest man in the world
⁃ taught his wife how to orgasm
⁃ knows more about women than a woman because he's done surgery on them
⁃ spent all day at the consulate supposedly discussing secret service stuff and getting important briefings--really took advantage of 1 allowed phone call to spend 6 hrs on the phone long distance and got an old document on safe places to travel for tourists
⁃ doesn't like blonds
⁃ has a jet--fastest in the world
⁃ daughter is a supermodel
⁃ needed to call a judge 'cause his ex is trying to steal his money and this judge is suing him; forced Frankie to call repeatedly for him, but the number was wrong
⁃ people think he is drunk because he has West Nile (might mean Nile Special beer, instead)
⁃ used to get called cowboy because he roped steers
⁃ got hit by a boda-boda
⁃ Africans problems are a result of having no confidence due to things like slavery, not working, lack of physical exercise--shouldn't question lack of jobs or impact of global markets or seek to exceed expectations or limits
⁃ thinks being a Jew at Colorado State is comparable to growing up in a village in Africa
⁃ assertive and passive aggressive are the same thing
⁃ draws female anatomy for the laydeez
⁃ Lindsy "beat the shit" out of a woman who knocked on his door at night for sex
⁃ all women have manipulated him
⁃ wants to be be president of Uganda to get rid of the Indian "rag heads"
⁃ says in New York, it is slang to call your partner "shortie" or "nigger" (rightfully rebuked)
⁃ says McCain is going to win
⁃ didn't pay a boda-boda driver--told the hostel staff to put it on his tab
⁃ doesn't like food
⁃ guilts people into eating his food, which is better than anyone else's food
⁃ will give dance lessons, or pay to dance with adults and children alike
⁃ has two ungoogleable names in the hostel registration book
⁃ you can tell it's going to rain when the monkeys go to their home--which is somewhere far, far away from the compound instead of where they really are most of the time
⁃ he looks like Dr. Chapitin
⁃ had a pineapple like the last crazy guy who was here
⁃ Bob Dylan played his 50th birthday and gave him guitar lessons, but it's no fun because he is high on cocaine and Grand Marnier
⁃ Bob Marley played his 5th birthday party, but was high all the time, too
⁃ can get a hummer for $25,000
⁃ is best friends with the Sultan of Brunei
⁃ would pay 4000UGX for Rachel to play her guitar, but not more
⁃ admits he is "maybe" full of shit, but not full of shit
⁃ in charge of all the wildlife in a local animal hospital--mostly chimpanzees and stuff
⁃ watches dogs have sex with each other?
⁃ killed six people the other day
⁃ talks about drugging his wife's drinks so she'll drink less, then offers to buy drinks for 18-year-old girls (I intervened)
I'm sure there will be more, but that's all I have so far.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
I'm glad that you enjoyed it, despite the few problems you had.
Things here are ticking over, nothing really happening but nothing going wrong yet either. It's nice to have things a bit more settled for a while. No doubt it won't last long though.