Part the First: A Rustic Description of My Placid Surroundings
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
The weather is starting to turn; Fall is coming. Here in Lawrence, Kansas, we've had a nice pattern; a crisp day or two sandwiched between several warm ones-- Kansas isn't sure which side of the seasonal slope it is on quite yet. Appropriately, I am writing this sitting on my porch, regarding the green trees that line the quiet residential street that I live on, listening to the whir of a neighbor's air conditioner riding just over the chirping and hum of insect activity, rustling wind, distant traffic and the occasional playful bark from a neighbors dog.
If you are imagining Pleasantville U.S.A. as you read this, you've grabbed the surface of the scene correctly. Essentially, my porch is the Westernmost point of a grouping of low-style duplex apartments that squat smack in the middle of a very old neighborhood where sun-dappled hand-laid brick sidewalks front large Victorian houses sitting on foundations that pre-date the Civil War, the majority of which are painted in bright colors and are surrounded with unique sculpture or landscaped walking-paths; fey and quirky gardens built by the Hippies that Never Confused the Drugs for the Dream.
Its not at all oppressive hereI live in a gentle, quiet place where the feeling is one of relaxed introspection; when it rains in the summer, children come out to play in the streets. Neighbors will smile at you, but arent likely to want anything more from you than a pleasant hello. Young couples ferry their children around in little ergonomic papooses, or three-wheel strollers that look like they could off-road (if they had to). As most of you know (if you have ever lived among people who believe that television is good history), the suburban housing developments with their winding streets named after the developers favorite perennials can offer the illusion of, but rarely the reality of this sort of community; a less-than-intentional accident of like-minded and similarly situated families that have found their way to a place because it is simply the part of town where people like them belong. Its a sweet thing.
The weather is starting to turn; Fall is coming. Here in Lawrence, Kansas, we've had a nice pattern; a crisp day or two sandwiched between several warm ones-- Kansas isn't sure which side of the seasonal slope it is on quite yet. Appropriately, I am writing this sitting on my porch, regarding the green trees that line the quiet residential street that I live on, listening to the whir of a neighbor's air conditioner riding just over the chirping and hum of insect activity, rustling wind, distant traffic and the occasional playful bark from a neighbors dog.
If you are imagining Pleasantville U.S.A. as you read this, you've grabbed the surface of the scene correctly. Essentially, my porch is the Westernmost point of a grouping of low-style duplex apartments that squat smack in the middle of a very old neighborhood where sun-dappled hand-laid brick sidewalks front large Victorian houses sitting on foundations that pre-date the Civil War, the majority of which are painted in bright colors and are surrounded with unique sculpture or landscaped walking-paths; fey and quirky gardens built by the Hippies that Never Confused the Drugs for the Dream.
Its not at all oppressive hereI live in a gentle, quiet place where the feeling is one of relaxed introspection; when it rains in the summer, children come out to play in the streets. Neighbors will smile at you, but arent likely to want anything more from you than a pleasant hello. Young couples ferry their children around in little ergonomic papooses, or three-wheel strollers that look like they could off-road (if they had to). As most of you know (if you have ever lived among people who believe that television is good history), the suburban housing developments with their winding streets named after the developers favorite perennials can offer the illusion of, but rarely the reality of this sort of community; a less-than-intentional accident of like-minded and similarly situated families that have found their way to a place because it is simply the part of town where people like them belong. Its a sweet thing.
Part the Second: A Comparison With Certain Higher Primates, Made Solely for the Erudition of Our Dear Reader
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
In fact, if it wasn't for our neighbors to the North, Sophie and I would be the bruise on Old West Lawrences apple. Younger, single and renting . . . and wouldnt that be grand? I think I would make a fine blight; adding character and texture without subtracting anything of substance. The kind of guy that doesnt really fit the paradigm, but youd still let watch your kids.
But, alas. To the North lives a group of college kids that have been on my last nerve since the Fall semester began. Like a wretched family of opossum ("I call the big one 'Bitey'") who have developed through repeated exposure to radiation just enough sentience to scheme against the well-being of others while obeying no natural motive, these kids are quiescent during the week, showing themselves only occasionally, and very rarely making any noise.
On the weekends, however, their colors are revealed, and like clockwork they begin to trickle home after bars close. They play loud music in their cars, hold half-shouted drunken conversations with themselves and (even more annoyingly) into their cell phones, and generally fuck with about 30 minutes of my sleep on any given Friday or Saturday evening. They do this not in front of their own house (which, for some reason never has available street parking) but in front of my own, approximately twenty yards and one open window from where I am sleeping.
What would Jesus do?
Fuck would I know? What I do know is that our closest genetic cousins are chimpanzees. We share 99% of our DNA with the cute little guys. Hell, like us, Chimpanzees have distinct cultures. They create familial bonds and nurture their young. They mourn loss, and can predict future desires. Also like us, chimpanzees make war on one another, engage in violence to resolve conflict, and use tactics to accomplish these ends.
By the chimpanzee model, I should have gathered as many of my friends as I could, snuck out of my home until I was right on top of the drunks, then began to scream and attack, battering them with a relentless volley of blows to the head and legs until they were limp, then smashing their heads into the car door repeatedly until their goddamned Nelly CD ran out of thurrs or just stopped playing.
And I thought about it.
In fact, if it wasn't for our neighbors to the North, Sophie and I would be the bruise on Old West Lawrences apple. Younger, single and renting . . . and wouldnt that be grand? I think I would make a fine blight; adding character and texture without subtracting anything of substance. The kind of guy that doesnt really fit the paradigm, but youd still let watch your kids.
But, alas. To the North lives a group of college kids that have been on my last nerve since the Fall semester began. Like a wretched family of opossum ("I call the big one 'Bitey'") who have developed through repeated exposure to radiation just enough sentience to scheme against the well-being of others while obeying no natural motive, these kids are quiescent during the week, showing themselves only occasionally, and very rarely making any noise.
On the weekends, however, their colors are revealed, and like clockwork they begin to trickle home after bars close. They play loud music in their cars, hold half-shouted drunken conversations with themselves and (even more annoyingly) into their cell phones, and generally fuck with about 30 minutes of my sleep on any given Friday or Saturday evening. They do this not in front of their own house (which, for some reason never has available street parking) but in front of my own, approximately twenty yards and one open window from where I am sleeping.
What would Jesus do?
Fuck would I know? What I do know is that our closest genetic cousins are chimpanzees. We share 99% of our DNA with the cute little guys. Hell, like us, Chimpanzees have distinct cultures. They create familial bonds and nurture their young. They mourn loss, and can predict future desires. Also like us, chimpanzees make war on one another, engage in violence to resolve conflict, and use tactics to accomplish these ends.
By the chimpanzee model, I should have gathered as many of my friends as I could, snuck out of my home until I was right on top of the drunks, then began to scream and attack, battering them with a relentless volley of blows to the head and legs until they were limp, then smashing their heads into the car door repeatedly until their goddamned Nelly CD ran out of thurrs or just stopped playing.
And I thought about it.
Part the Third: If You Had My Penis, You Would Likely Rub It On Things All The Time, Too.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Its two in the morning, Im tired, and for the third weekend in a row, dumbasses are waking me up. Is it time to misuse my martial arts yet? A part of me says yea, and if I were to do so, modern behavioral science suggests that I would not be participating in the Human Condition so much as the Mammalian one.
But wait. There is another model. The Bonobo chimpanzees, known as pygmy chimps. These ardorable and entirely admirable little fellers live within a culture that is female-centered and egalitarian and one that substitutes sex for aggression. (primates.com)
Mmmm. Sex for aggression. If a chimpanzee can be said to use violence to resolve power dynamics, the bonobo chimps use teh sexxor.
Whereas in most other species sexual behavior is a fairly distinct category, in the bonobo it is part and parcel of social relations--and not just between males and females. Bonobos engage in sex in virtually every partner combination . . . bonobos become sexually aroused remarkably easily, and they express this excitement in a variety of mounting positions and genital contacts. Although chimpanzees virtually never adopt face-to-face positions, bonobos do so in one out of three copulations in the wild. Furthermore, the frontal orientation of the bonobo vulva and clitoris strongly suggest that the female genitalia are adapted for this position . . . The tumescent phase of the female's genitals, resulting in a pink swelling that signals willingness to mate, covers a much longer part of estrus in bonobos than in chimpanzees. Instead of a few days out of her cycle, the female bonobo is almost continuously sexually attractive and active. (primates.com)
Hot.
Perhaps the bonobo's most typical sexual pattern, undocumented in any other primate, is genito-genital rubbing (or GG rubbing) between adult females. One female facing another clings with arms and legs to a partner that, standing on both hands and feet, lifts her off the ground. The two females then rub their genital swellings laterally together, emitting grins and squeals that probably reflect orgasmic experiences. (primates.com)
Excuse me while I nip off to masturbate.
Male bonobos, too, may engage in pseudocopulation but generally perform a variation. Standing back to back, one male briefly rubs his scrotum against the buttocks of another. They also practice so-called penis-fencing, in which two males hang face to face from a branch while rubbing their erect penises together. (primates.com)
^ And they get paid more to make boy-boy bonobo porn as well, although no one is sure why since the overall money in the gay porn industry isnt any bigger.
So where other chimpanzees might jealously guard their reproductive liklihood by bashing one anothers heads in with tools or fling other tribes babies out of trees in order to hook up with the baby mamas, the bonobos work out their cultural right-of-way with a little dick-fencing.
Just imagine-- if we adopted the Bonobo paradigm it might go something like this:
BOSS You are probably wondering why I have called this meeting. I have some troubling news.
WORKERS . . .
BOSS As you know, the widget market has taken some severe downturns due to corporate confidence scandals of late. This has affected our bottom line adversely. In order to stave off layoffs at this facility, Ive been forced to institute a policy forbidding your shift-supervisors from assigning any scheduled overtime.
WORKERS (groans and grumbles)
BOSS I know this is going to hit you in the pocketbooks, and I feel badly. I want to assure you, that this measure is taking place in order to ensure that no jobs are lost. We are going to attempt as a counter-measure to widen the coverage on your dental/optical health plan . . .
WORKERS . . .
BOSS And, Ill be sucking your dicks and licking clits each lunchtime through the start of Q3.
WORKERS !Ole!
-----
COACH Well, I dont know what to tell you guys. You went from pre-season Top 10 team to first-round NCAA flame-out. You got beat by Bucknell."
TEAM (cries)
COACH Bucknell.
TEAM Coach, uh . . . where is Bucknell?
COACH We dont know, Aaron. We . . . (looks down) . . . we just dont know.
TEAM (cries)
COACH But we *do* know that you played like ass tonight, Aaron. You and Wayne. Keith was sick (holds up note from mother), but I dont know about you two. Guyseveryone! Get over here, and rub your penises on Aaron and Wyanes asses."
TEAM !Ole!
-----
This Saturday, Im putting my dick-sucking face on, and if a little bro-job doesnt convince the douchebags next door to keep it quiet next time, Im going to force them to make out for the entertainment of my girlfriend.
And if that doesn't work, I'm kicking their asses.
Its two in the morning, Im tired, and for the third weekend in a row, dumbasses are waking me up. Is it time to misuse my martial arts yet? A part of me says yea, and if I were to do so, modern behavioral science suggests that I would not be participating in the Human Condition so much as the Mammalian one.
But wait. There is another model. The Bonobo chimpanzees, known as pygmy chimps. These ardorable and entirely admirable little fellers live within a culture that is female-centered and egalitarian and one that substitutes sex for aggression. (primates.com)
Mmmm. Sex for aggression. If a chimpanzee can be said to use violence to resolve power dynamics, the bonobo chimps use teh sexxor.
Whereas in most other species sexual behavior is a fairly distinct category, in the bonobo it is part and parcel of social relations--and not just between males and females. Bonobos engage in sex in virtually every partner combination . . . bonobos become sexually aroused remarkably easily, and they express this excitement in a variety of mounting positions and genital contacts. Although chimpanzees virtually never adopt face-to-face positions, bonobos do so in one out of three copulations in the wild. Furthermore, the frontal orientation of the bonobo vulva and clitoris strongly suggest that the female genitalia are adapted for this position . . . The tumescent phase of the female's genitals, resulting in a pink swelling that signals willingness to mate, covers a much longer part of estrus in bonobos than in chimpanzees. Instead of a few days out of her cycle, the female bonobo is almost continuously sexually attractive and active. (primates.com)
Hot.
Perhaps the bonobo's most typical sexual pattern, undocumented in any other primate, is genito-genital rubbing (or GG rubbing) between adult females. One female facing another clings with arms and legs to a partner that, standing on both hands and feet, lifts her off the ground. The two females then rub their genital swellings laterally together, emitting grins and squeals that probably reflect orgasmic experiences. (primates.com)
Excuse me while I nip off to masturbate.
Male bonobos, too, may engage in pseudocopulation but generally perform a variation. Standing back to back, one male briefly rubs his scrotum against the buttocks of another. They also practice so-called penis-fencing, in which two males hang face to face from a branch while rubbing their erect penises together. (primates.com)
^ And they get paid more to make boy-boy bonobo porn as well, although no one is sure why since the overall money in the gay porn industry isnt any bigger.
So where other chimpanzees might jealously guard their reproductive liklihood by bashing one anothers heads in with tools or fling other tribes babies out of trees in order to hook up with the baby mamas, the bonobos work out their cultural right-of-way with a little dick-fencing.
Just imagine-- if we adopted the Bonobo paradigm it might go something like this:
BOSS You are probably wondering why I have called this meeting. I have some troubling news.
WORKERS . . .
BOSS As you know, the widget market has taken some severe downturns due to corporate confidence scandals of late. This has affected our bottom line adversely. In order to stave off layoffs at this facility, Ive been forced to institute a policy forbidding your shift-supervisors from assigning any scheduled overtime.
WORKERS (groans and grumbles)
BOSS I know this is going to hit you in the pocketbooks, and I feel badly. I want to assure you, that this measure is taking place in order to ensure that no jobs are lost. We are going to attempt as a counter-measure to widen the coverage on your dental/optical health plan . . .
WORKERS . . .
BOSS And, Ill be sucking your dicks and licking clits each lunchtime through the start of Q3.
WORKERS !Ole!
-----
COACH Well, I dont know what to tell you guys. You went from pre-season Top 10 team to first-round NCAA flame-out. You got beat by Bucknell."
TEAM (cries)
COACH Bucknell.
TEAM Coach, uh . . . where is Bucknell?
COACH We dont know, Aaron. We . . . (looks down) . . . we just dont know.
TEAM (cries)
COACH But we *do* know that you played like ass tonight, Aaron. You and Wayne. Keith was sick (holds up note from mother), but I dont know about you two. Guyseveryone! Get over here, and rub your penises on Aaron and Wyanes asses."
TEAM !Ole!
-----
This Saturday, Im putting my dick-sucking face on, and if a little bro-job doesnt convince the douchebags next door to keep it quiet next time, Im going to force them to make out for the entertainment of my girlfriend.
And if that doesn't work, I'm kicking their asses.
VIEW 25 of 35 COMMENTS
HAHAHAHAHAHA... sucker!
Hope your lumpy head makes it out in one piece.
[Edited on Oct 11, 2005 11:26PM]
Good to see you again, pardner.