We had the memorial Wednesday and the internment Thursday. DC2020, Sophie and I came back to Lawrence last night, and are looking forward to a really chilled out weekend. My father and his lady will be up for a KU basketball game tonight, and we'll all go out to dinner somewhere.
We've been talking a lot about my mom, and what made her so unique. The guy from the funeral home had met her a few months previous when she buried my grandmother and kept telling us, "your mother was a trip." She had really made an impression on him, which was pretty much her modus operandi. Some people loved her, some people couldn't stand her (I had both experiences), but nobody was neutral. She was interesting if nothing else.
One thing that was so cool was how many women came up at the service and told me that my mother was a mentor for them. They would tell stories of how she intimidated the proverbial room full of grey-haired white guys in suits, or how once you got my mom running your committee, all bullshit would cease.
She was active with NOW, various animal shelters and animal rights groups, soft-core enviro groups, the NAACP and worked a lot with literacy groups in particular. There were all these cards in her purse for the various lefty organizations she donated to. I told Sophie, "have you ever heard the phrase, 'card-carrying liberal'? Here are the cards."
We heard from several different people at the memorial that my mother had been talking about Sophie to them, and how much she liked her. She was really excited about her, and I have thought more than once that had they had the chance to spend more time together, they would have become buddies. I also thought that Sophie had a huge chunk of the big picture that my mom was missing, and could have helped her get it.
As a note, when you guys go through this, consider not having a viewing. My mom didn't want a public one, and we honored that, but we did have a private family viewing (3 of us) at the request of the boyfriend-- he was the guy that found her, and I think he wanted a better last memory of her. But that wasn't it. She wasn't embalmed (as she was scheduled for cremation), and it was just fucked up. You mom is a person, not a slab of meat, you know? It was kind of traumatic to see and touch her body, but it also drove home the emotional point that she was gone. Prior to that, I half-expected her to jump out of a closet at some point and go, "hahahaha, fucking GOT YOU." Once you see the corpse, you know that it's real.
In the end, it was a very good death for her; it was something that we all expected eventually, but it was just too soon. She was never very good at taking care of herself; she excelled in the professional and political realms, but struggled with the personal and physical. One of the things that has been both a condolence and a regret for us is that we really think that with her retirement (she'd decided not to run for a 3rd term as Treasurer) she was getting herself set up to face those challenges as well.
My mother was a total freak for Kansas basketball. Sophie can attest that it's something like a religion out here, in terms of the fervor people bring to their fandom. There is a recent article where Roy Williams (KU's former coach) says that Kansas has the best home-court advantage in the nation because of its fans. He talks about how people would drive seven hours from Western Kansas to see a mid-week game, and think nothing of it. My mom was that kind of fan.
KU's last two games have been losses to their two biggest rivals, Kansas State and Missouri. We know that my mother passed the night before those games, so when she died, her 'Hawks were still on a win streak.
People have told us, "Kansas lost because their biggest fan was gone," or, "Where she's at, KU won both of those games by a point." Heh, heh. She had almost finished decorating her basement in a Kansas basketball theme (I know, it sounded hideous to me too, but it actually looked pretty cool). She had a wet bar down there, and was going to get the wall-mounted hi-def TV for the games. Em and I were going to help her pick the technology, since she was kind of ignorant. She'd intended to turn her basement into a little mini-sports bar (but with more comfortable furniture) for other Kansas alumni and her friends. It would have been rad.
She was well loved, and will be greatly missed.
We're finally back home, and back to our normally scheduled program of reading, working, hanging out, eating good food and enjoying one another. Right now, I wearing this really square cashmere sweater that she'd given me for Christmas. It's one of those clothing presents where you think, "OK, I'm so never wearing this," but you say something nice about how soft it is, or the color anyway. Heh, heh. She had to die to get me in the square clothes.
She's on my mind most of the time. I hear from people who've been here that this is the way it goes for a long while after a parent's death. I do know that I'm extremely grateful for the fact that she and I had repaired our break before her death, and I'm ultimately grateful for all of the parts of myself that I can credit her for.
Tarqu1n posted this:
"A rich man asked a Zen master to write something down that could encourage the prosperity of his family for years to come. It would be something that the family could cherish for generations. On a large piece of paper, the master wrote, "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies."
The rich man became angry when he saw the master's work. "I asked you to write something down that could bring happiness and prosperity to my family. Why do you give me something depressing like this?"
"If your son should die before you," the master answered, "this would bring unbearable grief to your family. If your grandson should die before your son, this also would bring great sorrow. If your family, generation after generation, disappears in the order I have described, it will be the natural course of life. This is true happiness and prosperity."
We've been talking a lot about my mom, and what made her so unique. The guy from the funeral home had met her a few months previous when she buried my grandmother and kept telling us, "your mother was a trip." She had really made an impression on him, which was pretty much her modus operandi. Some people loved her, some people couldn't stand her (I had both experiences), but nobody was neutral. She was interesting if nothing else.
One thing that was so cool was how many women came up at the service and told me that my mother was a mentor for them. They would tell stories of how she intimidated the proverbial room full of grey-haired white guys in suits, or how once you got my mom running your committee, all bullshit would cease.
She was active with NOW, various animal shelters and animal rights groups, soft-core enviro groups, the NAACP and worked a lot with literacy groups in particular. There were all these cards in her purse for the various lefty organizations she donated to. I told Sophie, "have you ever heard the phrase, 'card-carrying liberal'? Here are the cards."
We heard from several different people at the memorial that my mother had been talking about Sophie to them, and how much she liked her. She was really excited about her, and I have thought more than once that had they had the chance to spend more time together, they would have become buddies. I also thought that Sophie had a huge chunk of the big picture that my mom was missing, and could have helped her get it.
As a note, when you guys go through this, consider not having a viewing. My mom didn't want a public one, and we honored that, but we did have a private family viewing (3 of us) at the request of the boyfriend-- he was the guy that found her, and I think he wanted a better last memory of her. But that wasn't it. She wasn't embalmed (as she was scheduled for cremation), and it was just fucked up. You mom is a person, not a slab of meat, you know? It was kind of traumatic to see and touch her body, but it also drove home the emotional point that she was gone. Prior to that, I half-expected her to jump out of a closet at some point and go, "hahahaha, fucking GOT YOU." Once you see the corpse, you know that it's real.
In the end, it was a very good death for her; it was something that we all expected eventually, but it was just too soon. She was never very good at taking care of herself; she excelled in the professional and political realms, but struggled with the personal and physical. One of the things that has been both a condolence and a regret for us is that we really think that with her retirement (she'd decided not to run for a 3rd term as Treasurer) she was getting herself set up to face those challenges as well.
My mother was a total freak for Kansas basketball. Sophie can attest that it's something like a religion out here, in terms of the fervor people bring to their fandom. There is a recent article where Roy Williams (KU's former coach) says that Kansas has the best home-court advantage in the nation because of its fans. He talks about how people would drive seven hours from Western Kansas to see a mid-week game, and think nothing of it. My mom was that kind of fan.
KU's last two games have been losses to their two biggest rivals, Kansas State and Missouri. We know that my mother passed the night before those games, so when she died, her 'Hawks were still on a win streak.
People have told us, "Kansas lost because their biggest fan was gone," or, "Where she's at, KU won both of those games by a point." Heh, heh. She had almost finished decorating her basement in a Kansas basketball theme (I know, it sounded hideous to me too, but it actually looked pretty cool). She had a wet bar down there, and was going to get the wall-mounted hi-def TV for the games. Em and I were going to help her pick the technology, since she was kind of ignorant. She'd intended to turn her basement into a little mini-sports bar (but with more comfortable furniture) for other Kansas alumni and her friends. It would have been rad.
She was well loved, and will be greatly missed.
We're finally back home, and back to our normally scheduled program of reading, working, hanging out, eating good food and enjoying one another. Right now, I wearing this really square cashmere sweater that she'd given me for Christmas. It's one of those clothing presents where you think, "OK, I'm so never wearing this," but you say something nice about how soft it is, or the color anyway. Heh, heh. She had to die to get me in the square clothes.
She's on my mind most of the time. I hear from people who've been here that this is the way it goes for a long while after a parent's death. I do know that I'm extremely grateful for the fact that she and I had repaired our break before her death, and I'm ultimately grateful for all of the parts of myself that I can credit her for.
Tarqu1n posted this:
"A rich man asked a Zen master to write something down that could encourage the prosperity of his family for years to come. It would be something that the family could cherish for generations. On a large piece of paper, the master wrote, "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies."
The rich man became angry when he saw the master's work. "I asked you to write something down that could bring happiness and prosperity to my family. Why do you give me something depressing like this?"
"If your son should die before you," the master answered, "this would bring unbearable grief to your family. If your grandson should die before your son, this also would bring great sorrow. If your family, generation after generation, disappears in the order I have described, it will be the natural course of life. This is true happiness and prosperity."
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Hey Bro, I'm listening to your "TerraFormltNow". It's a track I got from you a long time ago. I love your compilations! You're very talented.
Go Steelers!