Hello, hello, SuicideGirls.com!
It has been a long time since I've been very active with the site. For that, I am sorry.
I have a story to tell, and a heart to open up. And I must tell you, this blog is not even going on my personal blog, or my Youtube Vlog (Subject Matters). This one is just for SuicideGirls.com and all the wonderful people here.
So, on April 11 2009, for the first time I went and had a date with this girl, named Sam, who my guitarist in a band that I was leading had introduced me to. That was the first time we met, and was clearly our first date, and for 4 years after we had celebrated out anniversary on this day. The date went well, we went to Earls and shared a Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo, and we went to chapters/starbucks and chilled until our movie, I Love You Man, was going to start. The movie was good, we hit it off pretty well, and she was gorgeous and so very kind. After the movie we went to the bus stop (neither of us drive), and at the bus stop we chatted and had a long hug. She whispered something, I didn't hear though. Turns out she said "I love you." On the first date. Though I didn't hear her, so I just kissed her. Neither of us were very good, but we figured it out quickly, we both hadn't had many relationships.
That was our first date. from there on out I don't remember a lot of specific dates.
Weeks later I knew I loved her, and I purchased a promise ring and gave it to her. She seemed perfect. And truly in her own way, she is.
But she was not perfect for me.
It was nice to have someone who had real feelings for me. But think I got lost in her feelings for me, and how beautiful she is.
The first year of our relationship I lived with my brother, and she lived a half hour bus ride away. I worked until 7 at a record store, nearly every day. So I would see her from 8ish til 1030ish several days a week, but that wasn't good enough and she got very irritable very quickly. It was hard, but we both were the kind of person who wants to fight for a relationship to work. And we did. Soon, my brother wanted more space and privacy because he had just found a girlfriend (finally... but my god, that should have ended sooner than my relationship did). And at the same time, the lady that was living with my girlfriend and her grandmother had decided to movie out, perfect, So I moved in with her.
Our relationship smoothed out for a long time, it was pretty good, simply because Sam got to see me more, and she was happier because of that.
I am a person with a lot of interests. Videogames of all kinds, movies, TV, books, writing, photography, making music, listening to music, business, being creative, video game development, learning about new things, learning and discussing science. And I also have long-term goals that should be taking up large amounts of my time, Like writing a Game Design Document, and Kickstarting its development.
Sam... well... after 4 years, the only thing I can tell you she is interested in is... Me.
Sure, she likes TV and movies, but not when she's alone, she needs to watch with somebody with her. She did take up reading, but not because she particularly enjoys it, because its something to do that might impress me. Other than TV and Movies, we share almost nothing in common.
You see, I was her only interest, but she had no place in any of my interests, which caused a divide. I needed immense time alone, which I never was able to get, and when I did happen to take time to myself, I felt terrible that she was doing nothing, utterly bored.
And when I did decide to not do the things that I want and need to do, and spent more time with her, I felt terrible that I wasnt progressing my goals at all.
I ended up spending most of my time with her, and with her not having a job for a long time, and even still only having a casual job (which means she is on call at all times, but has no given regular schedule), that meant that I had almost no time to myself.
I ended up falling into a depression. I didnt really know what was happening, I was constantly bouncing between happy and sad. I think most of my happiness was merely from telling myself I was happy, so that Sam would be happy.
I became very good at lying to myself. By October 2012 I felt content in my misery and stasis. I bought an engagement ring, and from then until December I noticed things getting worse. In January we had a bad fight, but for once the fight ended the way it should, the way mature adults do it. So I proposed, I thought it was a turning point. But I was wrong.
I continued lying to myself; it carried on for a long time. There ended up being lots of fights, which would usually end with it becoming about me, then I give in and apologize and go to sleep. Things would be fine the next day, but the next fight would be worse. It all spiraled downward in this pattern until I really didnt care at all about the relationship; I just wanted things to be easy. In April 2013, I tried to leave Sam, it was sudden, I was tired and I wanted out. But she didnt let me leave. I stayed. Leaving is so hard. I would cry. I was worried that I might never see her again. Even though I didnt want to be with her romantically, she was still my best, and one of my only friends.
Between April and July I became empty, I didnt care. When we fought, her tears just made me care less, rather than make me feel like she needed to be comforted. I barely wanted to touch her or hold her, or even have sex with her. I had come to terms with the fact that I needed to leave.
July 4th she worked, and when she got home all my necessities were packed, I said good-bye to her grandmother, and apologized. Sam walked with me to the bus stop, and asked me some questions. She took it fairly well. We agreed to stay friends, and so far its going alright. I think Sam is still holding out hope for us. But I really have no desire to be with her at all anymore.
We have been through so much stuff together. Just off the top of my head: I lost my job at HMV, because I got my bassist a job there, he then lied about me and got me fired. (In turn, I also lost my band.) I was stuck without a job for a while, and I showed up at the coffee shop she worked at one day when they just so happened to be short handed, and I got the job on the spot. 2 months later we were closing together and the owner was in, once we finished up he fired us both together on the spot, (because he took ownership less than 3 months earlier, it was legal to fire without just cause). I then went again for a bit without a job, and finally got rehired at a coffee shop that I worked at 3 years prior. I worked there for 8 months until the lease ran out and the owner retired, closing the business. I had lost 3 jobs in the span of a year. It was the worst year of my life.
I love her. Or rather I love that we gave it our best shot, and we have the strength to remain friends. I love that we had a ton of great times together. I never want to lose those memories. She is a key reason that I am who I am at this very moment. She is my best friend. I hope it gets easier, and can stay that way forever.
In February 2011 I discovered SG after seeing a bunch of pictures online.
I know that this picture from Glitchs set Fixation was in the bunch. And it remains one of my favorite pictures of all time. (In fact I would like to get one to hang on my wall, from Lavonne. I emailed you a few months ago! Haha.)
I fell in love with the erotic photography of SG. Glitchs body in this picture is like looking at a vast beautiful and perfect landscape.
I got an account and found what a wonderful community we have here. Everybody is so wonderful, Ive made some acquaintances, and some closer friends. I want to thank Ceres for always being available to talk. Shes such a kind hearted, wonderful woman. She had really had a big role in helping me get through this hard time. So, truly, Thank you Ceres. And thank you to all the fantastic people here.
As Im writing this, I got a call, apparently I got the Suite that I wanted, and I can move in on the 10th. Ermahgerd.
I guess that wraps up this blog.
I hope to write more here, and hopefully make more friends here. Please feel free to talk to me! Everybody!
Add me on Facebook: Christovix Smith
Instagram: Christovix1
My Suicidegirls collage Instagram: SgdailyCollage
Follow my Youtube Channels: SubjectMattersVlog MrChristovix ChristovixGames
It has been a long time since I've been very active with the site. For that, I am sorry.
I have a story to tell, and a heart to open up. And I must tell you, this blog is not even going on my personal blog, or my Youtube Vlog (Subject Matters). This one is just for SuicideGirls.com and all the wonderful people here.
So, on April 11 2009, for the first time I went and had a date with this girl, named Sam, who my guitarist in a band that I was leading had introduced me to. That was the first time we met, and was clearly our first date, and for 4 years after we had celebrated out anniversary on this day. The date went well, we went to Earls and shared a Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo, and we went to chapters/starbucks and chilled until our movie, I Love You Man, was going to start. The movie was good, we hit it off pretty well, and she was gorgeous and so very kind. After the movie we went to the bus stop (neither of us drive), and at the bus stop we chatted and had a long hug. She whispered something, I didn't hear though. Turns out she said "I love you." On the first date. Though I didn't hear her, so I just kissed her. Neither of us were very good, but we figured it out quickly, we both hadn't had many relationships.
That was our first date. from there on out I don't remember a lot of specific dates.
Weeks later I knew I loved her, and I purchased a promise ring and gave it to her. She seemed perfect. And truly in her own way, she is.
But she was not perfect for me.
It was nice to have someone who had real feelings for me. But think I got lost in her feelings for me, and how beautiful she is.
The first year of our relationship I lived with my brother, and she lived a half hour bus ride away. I worked until 7 at a record store, nearly every day. So I would see her from 8ish til 1030ish several days a week, but that wasn't good enough and she got very irritable very quickly. It was hard, but we both were the kind of person who wants to fight for a relationship to work. And we did. Soon, my brother wanted more space and privacy because he had just found a girlfriend (finally... but my god, that should have ended sooner than my relationship did). And at the same time, the lady that was living with my girlfriend and her grandmother had decided to movie out, perfect, So I moved in with her.
Our relationship smoothed out for a long time, it was pretty good, simply because Sam got to see me more, and she was happier because of that.
I am a person with a lot of interests. Videogames of all kinds, movies, TV, books, writing, photography, making music, listening to music, business, being creative, video game development, learning about new things, learning and discussing science. And I also have long-term goals that should be taking up large amounts of my time, Like writing a Game Design Document, and Kickstarting its development.
Sam... well... after 4 years, the only thing I can tell you she is interested in is... Me.
Sure, she likes TV and movies, but not when she's alone, she needs to watch with somebody with her. She did take up reading, but not because she particularly enjoys it, because its something to do that might impress me. Other than TV and Movies, we share almost nothing in common.
You see, I was her only interest, but she had no place in any of my interests, which caused a divide. I needed immense time alone, which I never was able to get, and when I did happen to take time to myself, I felt terrible that she was doing nothing, utterly bored.
And when I did decide to not do the things that I want and need to do, and spent more time with her, I felt terrible that I wasnt progressing my goals at all.
I ended up spending most of my time with her, and with her not having a job for a long time, and even still only having a casual job (which means she is on call at all times, but has no given regular schedule), that meant that I had almost no time to myself.
I ended up falling into a depression. I didnt really know what was happening, I was constantly bouncing between happy and sad. I think most of my happiness was merely from telling myself I was happy, so that Sam would be happy.
I became very good at lying to myself. By October 2012 I felt content in my misery and stasis. I bought an engagement ring, and from then until December I noticed things getting worse. In January we had a bad fight, but for once the fight ended the way it should, the way mature adults do it. So I proposed, I thought it was a turning point. But I was wrong.
I continued lying to myself; it carried on for a long time. There ended up being lots of fights, which would usually end with it becoming about me, then I give in and apologize and go to sleep. Things would be fine the next day, but the next fight would be worse. It all spiraled downward in this pattern until I really didnt care at all about the relationship; I just wanted things to be easy. In April 2013, I tried to leave Sam, it was sudden, I was tired and I wanted out. But she didnt let me leave. I stayed. Leaving is so hard. I would cry. I was worried that I might never see her again. Even though I didnt want to be with her romantically, she was still my best, and one of my only friends.
Between April and July I became empty, I didnt care. When we fought, her tears just made me care less, rather than make me feel like she needed to be comforted. I barely wanted to touch her or hold her, or even have sex with her. I had come to terms with the fact that I needed to leave.
July 4th she worked, and when she got home all my necessities were packed, I said good-bye to her grandmother, and apologized. Sam walked with me to the bus stop, and asked me some questions. She took it fairly well. We agreed to stay friends, and so far its going alright. I think Sam is still holding out hope for us. But I really have no desire to be with her at all anymore.
We have been through so much stuff together. Just off the top of my head: I lost my job at HMV, because I got my bassist a job there, he then lied about me and got me fired. (In turn, I also lost my band.) I was stuck without a job for a while, and I showed up at the coffee shop she worked at one day when they just so happened to be short handed, and I got the job on the spot. 2 months later we were closing together and the owner was in, once we finished up he fired us both together on the spot, (because he took ownership less than 3 months earlier, it was legal to fire without just cause). I then went again for a bit without a job, and finally got rehired at a coffee shop that I worked at 3 years prior. I worked there for 8 months until the lease ran out and the owner retired, closing the business. I had lost 3 jobs in the span of a year. It was the worst year of my life.
I love her. Or rather I love that we gave it our best shot, and we have the strength to remain friends. I love that we had a ton of great times together. I never want to lose those memories. She is a key reason that I am who I am at this very moment. She is my best friend. I hope it gets easier, and can stay that way forever.
In February 2011 I discovered SG after seeing a bunch of pictures online.
I know that this picture from Glitchs set Fixation was in the bunch. And it remains one of my favorite pictures of all time. (In fact I would like to get one to hang on my wall, from Lavonne. I emailed you a few months ago! Haha.)
I fell in love with the erotic photography of SG. Glitchs body in this picture is like looking at a vast beautiful and perfect landscape.
I got an account and found what a wonderful community we have here. Everybody is so wonderful, Ive made some acquaintances, and some closer friends. I want to thank Ceres for always being available to talk. Shes such a kind hearted, wonderful woman. She had really had a big role in helping me get through this hard time. So, truly, Thank you Ceres. And thank you to all the fantastic people here.
As Im writing this, I got a call, apparently I got the Suite that I wanted, and I can move in on the 10th. Ermahgerd.
I guess that wraps up this blog.
I hope to write more here, and hopefully make more friends here. Please feel free to talk to me! Everybody!
Add me on Facebook: Christovix Smith
Instagram: Christovix1
My Suicidegirls collage Instagram: SgdailyCollage
Follow my Youtube Channels: SubjectMattersVlog MrChristovix ChristovixGames
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
lavonne:
I was scanning blogs and saw the Glitch photo! I've actually replied to your email a bunch of times but it seems to not be working. Same with lots of other mail too. Maybe try again? Hmm.
christovix:
Oh no! That's not good! I just messaged you Lavonne, that may be easier. <3