charlana

You know, I seem to end up at this spot despite how much "progress" I convince myself I've made. Always right here. Exhausted, but can't sleep. Staying up and over-thinking literally everything. Sitting and dwelling on things long done and over with. Obsessing over things I've learned that I cannot change. Wondering if I'll ever step into the middle of this cycle and actually try to stop it. Because I'm finally starting to realize that I haven't been going at it 100% like I'm supposed to. I haven't fully wanted recovery like I need to in order to actually get better...I've just been wasting thousands of dollars in hospitals and treatment centers and therapy and psychiatrists. Fuck..

This just isn't a good spot to be in. I'm happy I have the next 2 days off to sleep and do absolutely nothing that requires much thought or movement, which is a terrible sign that depression has already (and very quietly) reared it's ugly head. This, ladies and gentlemen, is where I start looking for those "releases" again.

I'm not so sure I'll ever really get "better."



"The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
Of things unknown but longed for still
And his tune is heard on the distant hill
For the caged bird sings of freedom."

I truly am a caged bird...