For some reason my domain has decided that it would prefer to just not work rather than be cooperative and let me blog there... so I'll crosspost this entry to there, later. I've had an interesting day. It ended with me sitting here on my laptop drinking a blueberry+passionfruit italian soda after having bought some new beads for my macrame rosary. how joyous. i fought with joe today. i don't really know how i feel about it, i guess i do. i mean, it's just difficult. i think we maybe needed to fight. i think sometimes that we're just terrible to each other. we're not very good friends for each other, though i know i'm trying harder now. i'm trying to support his relationship(s) with whomever it is that he might be seeing. i know i still get jealous which makes it complicated. and is a sure mixed signal, but i'm trying not to let that affect me. it's so difficult sometimes, all of the feelings and things. and i would really appreciate if he would just tell me something nice. instead of making me feel like everyone in my life is a lie. they can't be. and even if they are... i think the people i have deep friendships with are just that... deep friendships. and sure there are people in my life who i have shallow friendships with, but those are okay. i don't expect a lot more out of them.
that said, we talked about how i apologized to jennae. i agree that the situation there is also really complex and not something i'm too happy with. it's so difficult to overcome my feelings about things though. joe says that i have no right to call myself a feminist because of how i treated her. i dont' think that's true. but that said, i feel deeply sorry for the way i treated her. it's so difficult when you have that insecurity of being in a relationship where there even needed to be an other woman. but let alone when that woman is someone you're friends with. and when you feel like they had to know what was going on. and it killed me everytime. i guess i just needed to feel like he really wanted me and was just afraid of what we had. i still sort of feel like he just got scared of us. or something. but it really really doesn't matter to me anymore. i'm just glad that i don't feel hurt by him anymore. i like that i can fall asleep without him crossing my mind. i'm glad that i'm finally at a point where i'd just be happy for him when he was seeing someone else... even if that person was Jennae. who would now be THE woman, not the OTHER woman. That's complicated. And it's not very much fun. But it doesn't make me less of a person just because he cheated on me. There are boys who deserve me and there are those who don't.
Joe also says that the only reason I can get over Tyler is because I have Kyle. He says that I always do this. But I know that getting over Tyler had to come first, even if this was the case before. For one, I was so damaged feeling after that relationship that I really didn't want to trust anyone again... even people who i felt were alright before. And even Kyle. There was a part of me that was just like "Augh every boy is going to make me feel this way, fuck them, fuck them, fuck them." And I guess I maybe meant that fuck literally. But I think you'd act the same if the only thing that you'd let matter to you was yr clit. And that's selfish, and it's unhealthy, and it's something that I'm glad I'm no longer pursuing. I dont' know when it became okay for sex to be JUST SEX with me, and not something else. I guess that's something I'm going to think about. All that fucking really wore me out. I'm tired, so tired, I'm tired of having sex but really, I was so tired of fucking. So tired of not making love come true (i'm going through a weezer phase, bear with me). Just nothing mattered but how I felt.
I had a conversation with Stephanie when we were talking about how I really needed to leave Tyler over coffee and she said that the complicated thing about intercourse is that you can fuck, have sex, or make love to basically anyone. Like if I hook up with a good friend, it could be making love even if I wouldnt' consider them someone I would date. And if I sleep with my boyfriend whom I love, it could be fucking. It's all a matter of context and how you do it, I suppose. And that's what makes it different. And that's what makes me not dirty for having any or either or all with whomever. Like I told my mom, I've never accidentally slept with someone. And maybe there are people I'd take back. But that's alright. I've learned those lessons and I'm moving on.
I feel like that ani lyric: "Since when did this me-me-me-me-me become the be all and end all of me?"
that said, we talked about how i apologized to jennae. i agree that the situation there is also really complex and not something i'm too happy with. it's so difficult to overcome my feelings about things though. joe says that i have no right to call myself a feminist because of how i treated her. i dont' think that's true. but that said, i feel deeply sorry for the way i treated her. it's so difficult when you have that insecurity of being in a relationship where there even needed to be an other woman. but let alone when that woman is someone you're friends with. and when you feel like they had to know what was going on. and it killed me everytime. i guess i just needed to feel like he really wanted me and was just afraid of what we had. i still sort of feel like he just got scared of us. or something. but it really really doesn't matter to me anymore. i'm just glad that i don't feel hurt by him anymore. i like that i can fall asleep without him crossing my mind. i'm glad that i'm finally at a point where i'd just be happy for him when he was seeing someone else... even if that person was Jennae. who would now be THE woman, not the OTHER woman. That's complicated. And it's not very much fun. But it doesn't make me less of a person just because he cheated on me. There are boys who deserve me and there are those who don't.
Joe also says that the only reason I can get over Tyler is because I have Kyle. He says that I always do this. But I know that getting over Tyler had to come first, even if this was the case before. For one, I was so damaged feeling after that relationship that I really didn't want to trust anyone again... even people who i felt were alright before. And even Kyle. There was a part of me that was just like "Augh every boy is going to make me feel this way, fuck them, fuck them, fuck them." And I guess I maybe meant that fuck literally. But I think you'd act the same if the only thing that you'd let matter to you was yr clit. And that's selfish, and it's unhealthy, and it's something that I'm glad I'm no longer pursuing. I dont' know when it became okay for sex to be JUST SEX with me, and not something else. I guess that's something I'm going to think about. All that fucking really wore me out. I'm tired, so tired, I'm tired of having sex but really, I was so tired of fucking. So tired of not making love come true (i'm going through a weezer phase, bear with me). Just nothing mattered but how I felt.
I had a conversation with Stephanie when we were talking about how I really needed to leave Tyler over coffee and she said that the complicated thing about intercourse is that you can fuck, have sex, or make love to basically anyone. Like if I hook up with a good friend, it could be making love even if I wouldnt' consider them someone I would date. And if I sleep with my boyfriend whom I love, it could be fucking. It's all a matter of context and how you do it, I suppose. And that's what makes it different. And that's what makes me not dirty for having any or either or all with whomever. Like I told my mom, I've never accidentally slept with someone. And maybe there are people I'd take back. But that's alright. I've learned those lessons and I'm moving on.
I feel like that ani lyric: "Since when did this me-me-me-me-me become the be all and end all of me?"