chaostasis

Let's just say that I really wish I would stop overcomplicating my life. But, I'm me. And that means there is probably no end in sight. At this past weekend's debate tournament, the squad (namely Joe and then everyone else) found out that I had sex with Kyle. Oh man. Joe came up to me and was like "we need to talk after dinner immediately." So I ended up talkign to him during dinner and he was like "did you sleep with kyle?" and i was like "yes" and then he got pissed and said some mean things and was also really disappointed with me. then i went back to the table and tyler was like "what's wrong? what happened?" and i said "just rumors..." and he asked what the rumors were about and i said "me fucking kyle." and he responded with "did you?" and my answer was "yes." and then that was that. he got up. also pissed. and walked off. i called kyle because i was upset that this was obviously around the debate circuit already.. agh. so i talk to kyle. tyler walks up to me and says something along the lines of "you're a dirty slut i fucking hate you." and then i cry a whole lot while i talk to joe. and then i have a fight with tyler. in which among other things i'm called a whore and told that the only reason he didn't hit me was that i was a girl.

the bullshit about all of it is that they're just upset with me for being sexual. jotto says that this "proves the abuse" of using the word whore. basically. because that's exactly the concept that they're pushing. i'm glad that jotto sees it this way... i sorta just wish everyone else did. it's so frustrating. and i mean, i don't know. i guess that some of the drama is that kyle hooked up with redmond like the next night. but i'm not upset about that for a whole lot of reasons... the first being that i pretty much knew that was going to happen when i hooked up with kyle in the first place because we'd talked about it before we even hung out. the second is that i don't feel kyle is that obligated to me right now. i mean, sure, i think we're treating this like it will end in a relationship... but that doesn't mean that i'm actually ready to be in a relationship and i'm not going to expect those relationship obligations from him. further, i think in kyle's situation i'd probably fuck the hot red head the night after me too so i can't really be judgemental. and, there's no question in my mind that i'm the one that means something to him.... so i don't see what the big deal about him being with someone else is. i've always had a fucked up view of jealousy though. my jealousy comes wholly irrationally. i know that. i suppose the only thing i'm a little weird about about that weekend is that we were apparently being called Lady Friend No. 1 and Lady Friend No. 2. Notably I'd be more pissed if I was Lady Friend No. 2... but I'm not. Prolly on both chronology and talent... so awesome. I'm a hero. But really I'm not upset about it because it was just something his squad did. or even if he didn't.... it's not like i haven't had conversations in which that event is treated more like a conquest than an emotional experience.

really. it was both.

i might be fostering a manic episode this weekend. try me.