I wish I knew the language, not just to speak it but to really know and understand. There are infinite things in the universe to ponder and ways to expand.
"elle avait des bagues a chaque doigt, des tas de bracelets autour des poignets, et puis elle chantait avec une voix qui, sitôt, m enjôla. elle avait des yeux, des yeux dopale, qui me fascinaient. y avait l' ovale de son vasage pale de femme fatale qui m'fut fatale."
But I have found that there is so much joy in the search.
I wish so to know and its what keeps me going.
"I am Jules and Jim, I am me and him. I am all three. I am Catherine"
I was thinking about my youth and my age. the fearlessness of being teenage and the sight of thirty just around the corner. Thinking about how its not the life of youth that is gone but rather a maturity and conditioning that causes one to act differently. How I envy my past self but how I admire the woman who is growing inside me. All the experiences I have collected that enable me to relate to others and the joy I am now finding in knowing. Knowing I can never know all things and that I can devote this life energy to the finding and reaching the grasping. . .
Looking at things as a garden! Seeing things cultivated and wild! Seeing them in me and myself in them. I find it all to be very exciting! I remember when I joined SG I was twenty years old and all I wanted was to be seen!! What I didn't realize then was that it was my own set of eyes that were closed. That I cut myself off from the rest of the world. And now my place is still somewhat a mystery but the thing I want is not just to be noticed or admired as that is all the flowers and branches want, but to feel it, to be in the middle of something growing and expanding. I never understood before.
I saw a tree for the first time. I had seen it many times before but never this way. I saw for the first time the limbs that were cut, the way its growth seemed unnatural. I wondered why people would do this. We have such a strong desire to control things to change and shape things that would be perfectly beautiful if left up to nature.
I think that could be what killed Jim and Catherine. Their being so demanding. Why not leave all the good things to nature? In love and relationships I mean. Just observe and enjoy. I think people try too hard to make life what they want it that they miss out on what is right in front of them. My attachments to my desires brings me great suffering. So Im learning to breathe and take in what I can and really feel!! Senses come alive. Shapes come into focus. I don't want everything to be a blur.
But I guess you can only take in a few things or maybe only one thing at a time. I get so excited. I've always thought of my life as a spiral.Things circulate but one is never really in a closed circuit. Things just look familiar.
SG is different for me now. Before I wanted to be seen to be admired. Now its not so much about that but rather having a place to share and relate on and offline. I've met some very lovely people here and I love that. I am no longer consumed by the idea of becoming a Suicide Girl though I love to have my picture taken and share what comes of that. There is just something about my fantasy life and reality that merge so wonderfully here. I am grateful of the friends I have finally made by tapping in and it took me many years to figure out how to do that but all the years were worth it. I appreciate all of you who follow me through my ups and downs and my blogs about random shit when Im off on a tangent and spewing nonsense from my lips and fingertips! I love the messages and comments. Before I only liked the attention. Now its more than that. Its a feeling of knowing and understanding, reaching and finding ways to climb, learn, share, emote. Im in love with everyone!
Im in LOVE with everyone!
I am in love.
"On s'est connus, on s'est reconnus. On s'est perdus de vue, on s'est perdus de vue On s'est retrouves, on s'est sépares. Dans le tourbillon de la vie."
With EVERYONE!!
Oh and some random stuff,
I'll have a new set soon. Will let you know when its going up.
The blackheart Burlesque show was a blast! I met some really nice girls there too!
My best friend is in the application process of SG. Im really excited about that.
My name on Instagram has changed to CarnelianRainwater. (was RedRainwater)
My favorite cousin is moving to Denver!! I love him!! I need to introduce him to some girls.
Im going to switch to part time hours at the barbershop so I can focus more on photography, painting and traveling!
Trapeze is still better than sex!
And I will add more pics to my color albums later tonight. :)
Hope you all have a lovely day!! Go out and fall in love with someone!! <3
