Ups and downs.
Well heres the thing. She is about 8 years younger than I. Im not usually the kind to date young, but we met a little more than a year ago (both of us had SO's at the time, hers being a freind of mine). We got closer in the last few months, just hung out and became good freinds. And we started to realize that alot of stuff in common. She asked me to go see Big Fish, I smelled like her all the next day. I knew I really liked her.
We hung around a couple more times and then on the night of my last post (or maybe the night before), we kissed. Under the stars, chilly but not too cold. It was just absolutely the most romantic thing ever. I called her like 20 minutes later and we talked for two hours. She said it just felt natural. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to think about it, in a way that no one has ever really made me feel before.
Anyway her parents found out. They treat her like my parents treated me when I was 12. (My parents let me and my brother be excedingly independant about alot of things) Shes almost off to college and its like shes a little girl. She knows that this relationship could end up hurting her Shes facing it better than I dealt with sort of the same thing a year ago. In many ways she seems more aware of how her feelings work than I did a year ago or even now. But her parents dont get that. Its very annoying.
And something happened the other day that really made me question whether Im good for her. I met head to head with the scorn of another person. A police officer made me feel really bad about our relationship. The look in his eyes, the obvious disgust, the derision. He made me feel like a criminal and Im not. He even said, 'There's nothing illegal about it." But the way he said it made it sound like "But I wish there were so I could arrest you." I know it's not fucking illegal! Why are you treating me like it is?
Both of these things together really sort of burst my bubble. Before this (her parents getting ticked and the officer happened on the same night, although they werent related) I was absolutely sure, now I have doubt. Not in how I feel about her, but whether or not Im good for her. Its made my feelings hide away in insecurity and doubt.
I keep thinking how I would feel if a police officer treated freinds of mine that way. In other words if it wasn't me, if it happened to someone else. I wouldn't be sad, I'd be fucking pissed. How dare he treat people that are doing nothing wrong as though they were criminals. How could someone in a position of power and trust be so close minded and ignorant?
I was going to step back and wait for six months, just be friends and the like, so as to not get her in trouble. That hasnt worked too well. Weve been seeing each other still, although I am not as comfortable as I was before. She wants me to take it slow and be uncomplicated about things. And its helping. Shes very understanding, and supportive.
And thats what Im going to do. And Im getting better. Im feeling better. I just need a hug and to look in her eyes, and I can remember the feeling that I had before, the feeling that everything is going to be ok.
This is so much different than my first relationship. So much better. I can honestly say this relationship is about love, the last was about nothing but sex. Given the choice this relationship wins. Lauren wins.
Gosh I feel alot better after venting. Even with all my other journal writing, this post has helped me the most!
Well heres the thing. She is about 8 years younger than I. Im not usually the kind to date young, but we met a little more than a year ago (both of us had SO's at the time, hers being a freind of mine). We got closer in the last few months, just hung out and became good freinds. And we started to realize that alot of stuff in common. She asked me to go see Big Fish, I smelled like her all the next day. I knew I really liked her.
We hung around a couple more times and then on the night of my last post (or maybe the night before), we kissed. Under the stars, chilly but not too cold. It was just absolutely the most romantic thing ever. I called her like 20 minutes later and we talked for two hours. She said it just felt natural. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to think about it, in a way that no one has ever really made me feel before.
Anyway her parents found out. They treat her like my parents treated me when I was 12. (My parents let me and my brother be excedingly independant about alot of things) Shes almost off to college and its like shes a little girl. She knows that this relationship could end up hurting her Shes facing it better than I dealt with sort of the same thing a year ago. In many ways she seems more aware of how her feelings work than I did a year ago or even now. But her parents dont get that. Its very annoying.
And something happened the other day that really made me question whether Im good for her. I met head to head with the scorn of another person. A police officer made me feel really bad about our relationship. The look in his eyes, the obvious disgust, the derision. He made me feel like a criminal and Im not. He even said, 'There's nothing illegal about it." But the way he said it made it sound like "But I wish there were so I could arrest you." I know it's not fucking illegal! Why are you treating me like it is?
Both of these things together really sort of burst my bubble. Before this (her parents getting ticked and the officer happened on the same night, although they werent related) I was absolutely sure, now I have doubt. Not in how I feel about her, but whether or not Im good for her. Its made my feelings hide away in insecurity and doubt.
I keep thinking how I would feel if a police officer treated freinds of mine that way. In other words if it wasn't me, if it happened to someone else. I wouldn't be sad, I'd be fucking pissed. How dare he treat people that are doing nothing wrong as though they were criminals. How could someone in a position of power and trust be so close minded and ignorant?
I was going to step back and wait for six months, just be friends and the like, so as to not get her in trouble. That hasnt worked too well. Weve been seeing each other still, although I am not as comfortable as I was before. She wants me to take it slow and be uncomplicated about things. And its helping. Shes very understanding, and supportive.
And thats what Im going to do. And Im getting better. Im feeling better. I just need a hug and to look in her eyes, and I can remember the feeling that I had before, the feeling that everything is going to be ok.
This is so much different than my first relationship. So much better. I can honestly say this relationship is about love, the last was about nothing but sex. Given the choice this relationship wins. Lauren wins.
Gosh I feel alot better after venting. Even with all my other journal writing, this post has helped me the most!