I guess I'm in need of a little spanking for missing homework for so long :P

But I hope this is a start of an apology

And you know where to find the rest, but just in case some don't, here it is my #wetWednesday treat shot by my friend @gossip last September :)

Ok, just a few more and for more follow the link above ;)

NOW to my misdoings. There were a few topics that really got my attention and I have to praise @missy @lyxzen and @rambo for their challenging and well-thought homework assignments.

1. On Fear

Since this was the last topic I'm going there first.

Besides the trivial fears, like bugs and such, which I'm now being able to let go since I started spending so much time in the woods., I have one fear that rules them all and that I see reflected in another trivial fear, the fear of flying, and that is the fear to face my own mortality. In other words, I fear death. I do not fear other people's death so much because I do not fear death's suffering, only death's finality for my own life.

I've tried hard to come to terms with the subject, but even now as I write this I feel the chills the word itself causes me. I understand, from my experience, that there is much to be said regarding our finality and our part in this whole scheme of life. In deep meditation during a silent retreat I participated one week last October, I found myself letting go of all my conditioning, of my ego, of my attachments and in a few moments I did find my real I AM, the one that makes us all whole and connected, an infinite of possibility and love. The Self has no boundaries, no limits, and as such, no real death.

I will try to keep my mind open to this reality because fear is the worst feeling one can have. It will destroy you from within and cause disruption in everything in your life until everything is affected by that fear.

I want to die before I die, so I can find peace on living. This means I want to be able to let go of all conditioning, of all attachments and ego, and, therefore, die for this illusion we think is our lives.

If like me you fear Fear itself I recommend reading Krishnamurti's book On fear and Freedom from the Known, it helped me feel more at ease with life and myself.

Also, although I never advocated for gurus or masters, since like Krishnamurti I do believe it is necessary or important for each of us to find themselves, I do love and respect and follow Mooji, an awesome and inspiring man. Here're some videos from him.

I understand if you think this is bogus and weird, in a way so did I for a long time, and suddenly I found myself slowly driven to this.

2. Yearly Goals

Writing, writing, writing. Yes, I love books, reading and writing them although, for a very long time, reading was my solace since my unconscious fear of failure and my lack of confidence prevented me from ever finishing any of my works.

However, this year, I decided I needed to try, I needed to find a way to motivate myself and even earn my life writing AND it happened, even if only once yet. I found a job as a ghostwriter of short erotic books and I was never happier when I had that goal when I was spending 6 and 7 hours in a row writing, completely losing myself. Also, having someone hire me, believe in my words, and in my capacity to produce a quality work in English, even though I'm not a native English and never even lived abroad, was very humbling and made me believe more in myself.

So I'd say my goal is to find more work like this, quit my part-time, and while supporting myself with the ghost writing jobs finally finish one of my books.

Besides this, I really hope to travel more with my husband and/or alone, shoot more before I became old and saggy, before kids and other commitments. I think Italy and Mexico might be in my plans, besides that I've been in Brazil with my dad and his wife this year and it was amazing and now I'm almost leaving for the Dominican Republic.

3. Movie quotes

I will leave you with some that marked me most in my teens but are still relevant for me now.

Every man dies, not everyone man really lives - William Wallace 'Braveheart'

Sad hours seem long - Romeo 'Romeo+Juliet'

I think now is time to leave you :)

Hope you forgive my time away, but you know I will always share my photos here.

Enjoy the rest of the week ;)

xoxo

Caia