boyinescalator

** after writing this i realize that i make some sharp turns and really just rambling.... but i had a lot on my mind, so deal with it**

yesterday was one of those days you know you will remember years and years from now. i spent nine hours in the car with my two best friends. drove to cincinnati to see against me. the drive was great. singing along like idiots to all our favorite songs (at least dave and i, matt just looked at us with jealousy, i know....). i heard the greatest piece i've ever heard on npr before. it was about getting to know your enemy. the first part was about the israeli defense minister going to meet suicide bombers that, for some reason or another, had not blown themselves up. he actaully felt empathy for them. hearing both sides you really get this sense of how everyone is human, and even the people we typically demonize have fears and desires and compassion. everyone gets lost and everyone makes mistakes. sometimes it just seems like everything just spins out of control. the second piece was about the attempt to prosecute jello biafra for obsenity. for the piece they arranged for the former prosecutor and jello to talk on the phone. they actually really hit it off and were becoming friends. again it just made it seem like all of our struggles with other people are merely really complicated misunderstandings. the concert was incredible. one of the best i've ever seen. the show was truly the embodiment of everything against me stands for. there was actaully moshing for the opening bands, which is practically unheard of these days. it was proabably the greatest pit i've ever been in. there was not one asshole there. everyone was just having a good time, dancing, enjoying the music. no one was overly aggressive. this was either the second or third time in a row i've seen against me that it was sold out. i dred the days when they move to barricaded venues. they were as good as ever. they played a lot of new stuff (none of which was on that demo that i got my hands on...), and i'm not sure where to yet, but their sound is definitly moving. i'm exicted as hell for their next cd. i'm sure it will be great. they could proabably shit on a microphone and i'd think it was genius. it wasn't the chords that drew me in. it was the emotion or heart or whatever you want to call it. they are just really stand up people. everything that they stand for and that they symbolize is everthing i want my life to be about. every song that tom sings i know exactly what he is saying. the last song was insane. i don't know how it started but people just started going on stage and there ended up being 30-40 people on stage. tom left the stage and came down on the floor and ended up right next to me. there i was singing along with my arm around him. "mary, there is no hope for us, if this gm van don't make it across the state line we might as well lay down and die, becuase if flordia takes us, we're taking everyone down with us, where we're coming from, will be the death of us....." i talked to him for a minute afterwards. really good guy. ate at the waffle house for the first time ever afterwards. that place is like dennys, i will only go there again if it is the middle of the night and nothing else is open. it was really great the spend that time with my friends. ever since college started we have actaully gotten closer. lately it just seems like all my thought have been falling into place. i used to be so scared of the future. i was afraid i would end up like my mom. i was afraid i was going to end up compromising myself. it became even worse after adrienne left me. she was supposed to be the one. the only thing that i would need to keep me grounded and happy. i was supposed to see her get fat and wrinkly. then she was gone. its been six months and she still refuses to talk to me. i was completely lost after she left me. at that point i hadn't talked to my good friends for months. where do i belong? am i going to trade in my ideals for a job i hate and a nice car? am i ever going to be able to fall in love again? does love even really exist? and while i feel the rest of my life is better than it has ever been, and getting better every day, that my love life is in ruins. i am still not sure if love exists. i really really want it to, but i don't know for sure. lately i find myself not talking to women more out of fear of disappointment than anything else. i hope i don't have to settle ever. being with someone to to keep the loneliness away. lately i've been getting good at reading people's eyes. its not really hard, its just a matter of paying attention. i see the broken look in my mother's eyes. its the look of a defeated person. i also see her pride for me. i never knew it felt so good to know your parent(s) were proud of you. its really interesting to see the look in peoples eyes. you can see the fear in people that typically act so righteous and certain. i am really hoping that the feeling that i won't end up like that, that i won't compromise myself and let go of what i so desperately want (really just getting to a place where i am content and where i won't need/want any more and nothing will be able to take that away), is not just the arrogence of youth. that whole "i'm going to take on the world" syndrome. i really don't think it is. i used to want to get my life started (that is as far as fully entering the sdult world), and while i do have some feeling of just wanting to get it going still, lately i've found myself living more in the present. having a mind for the future surely, but not putting everything off for later. i've also been recovering from the past, and i've been getting better every day.