Preamble
I am completely devoid of verbal creativity lately. Rather than blather about some nonsense, I'm posting a letter I wrote a few years ago to a girl that I was in love with who had dumped me a few months previous. In the intervening time, I had written and illustrated thirty-five one panel comics about what I was going through:
This, I guess, was spurred on from talking to the girl (Leah) online last night and almost going out with her and some of her friends to catch up on things. I decided at the last minute that I'd rather dance and see Palo than rehash the past. It's no secret that Palo and I have a gloriously dysfunctional relationship. I will say, honestly that she is the best girlfriend that I've ever had. She's loyal, sweet, funny and beautiful if a bit naive and frustrating (but hey, everyone has faults, right)?
We decided a few months ago that if we make it to one year and our relationship is still at a standstill (ie if I am not in love with her) than it would be best to call it quits. I find myself wondering why one girl who left me hanging when I needed her the most got the brunt of my attention for years after we broke up and another, who would drop everything she was doing just to be by my side if I needed her only gets about 85% of what I have to offer as a lover.
I mean, y'all have seen her naked and many of you have hung out with her, you know she's fun and cute, nearly perfect breasts and a million cute "come hither" looks. And, the only thing holding me back is a heart full of unanswered questions. I don't think any one person has the answers, I think it's a matter of learning more about myself and the life I want to live. I know that I could never commit to her completely if I wasn't certain that I could follow through on that commitment and to me, the resulting discomfort is preferable to leading someone on and making them even more jaded and fucked-up.
Leah always accused me of rambling. To this day, I get jumpy when I talk to her, because a part of me still wants her to like me and I fear I may speak too much and offend her. Thats how I know it ain't real with her. It's just a glimpse of something. Something that I have to find on my own.
Really, that is each of our responsiblities, finding the things you love about so many different people in one person. Maybe just finding the one person who leaves you with no questions worth finding answers for.
So, here is a snapshot of a broken soul rebuilding itself. A boy using his artwork to survive. No shortcuts. No cheap fucks. No drinking. No drugs. No food binges. Beautiful girl, don't think I don't know what you will go through when we end. It'll be hard for me too, but worse on you. I have to walk from comfort, warmth and protection into boredom and solitude and loneliness. But, I guess that's fair.
Main Body
Dear Leah,
I started writing and drawing these comics because you wouldnt talk to me and I was confused as hell about why things just ended. I suppose if I was a drinker or a drug user there would have been some kind of binge to get through the depression, but, Im a writer and artist, so I drew a shitload of comics.
For the most part, I drew them for me, not for you, even though many of them are written directly to you. They were my way of trying to work through the crazy twisted-up feelings I was having instead of just sitting around and being miserable. As it was, you broke up with me during one of the hardest periods of my life and I had to deal with losing my apartment, and trying to get a handle on the biggest design project Ive ever taken on all at once. So, drawing those comics wasnt some pathetic act of clingy devotion, it was me disciplining myself to deal with those emotions at an appropriate time and in an appropriate manner.
I kind of always knew that I would give them to you. At first it seemed like a clever ploy to win you back, but now now I know better. There isnt anything I can do to make you love me like I love you, because the fact of the matter is, if you loved me like I loved you, youd be fighting like a cornered animal to keep us together. Instead, youve tossed me aside with complete indifference. So, Im giving you these comics for a couple of reasons. I dont want them, I dont want to own the originals I dont want to be tempted to publish them or reuse the artwork for my own needs and I dont want to sit around looking at them. They are the most honest thing Ive done artistically in the last two years, all because of you, and I felt you just deserved having them. I guess itll just help me to move on to know I gave it everything I had and there was no doubts that you knew how I felt. And, to some extent, in a school-boy kinda way, I just want you to know what you threw away.
Drawing them helped me get back into comics and creating art for personal expression and its been such an amazing thing for me. I had this deep fear inside that Id spend so much time trying to make it that Id be in my late twenties before I started telling the stories in my heart. Since Ive been working on these, Ive had new inspiration for the Go-Ped A Go Go website and Ive laid so much groundwork for We Must Become Our Heroes, Ive starting working on (a different) comic again for the first time since April 2002, its gonna be a 7 page short-comic that I publish in the magazine. Im on the right path again now, so I guess you could be thanked for that. I hope you know how much of a big deal it is for me to give away my original artwork, especially if it hasnt been published. Only one other person has something comparable and thats my best friend Chris from back home, I gave him one of my (full) sketchbooks when I left for college. No one else in the world has a 35 page one of a kind comic book written and drawn for them by me.
Still, after 35 pages of comics, I still have no idea how you went from making school-girl eyes at me and hanging on my every word to treating me like absolute shit in the course of six weeks, I guess that isnt something Ill ever know. All I know is that when you loved me, truly loved me (yknow, when you actually wanted to be around me and werent playing your little rebel games) I felt like a goddamn KING and nothing else in the world mattered. And then it ended.
You make me feel like the romance and the instant messaging and the kissing and the little cards I made for you and the messages I left on your phone telling you how beautiful I thought you were you make me feel like that was just fun for you, then when it got real, you got bored when it wasnt about being wooed by a dumb fucking boy, you walked away. As it is now, its hard as hell for me to believe I was anything more than a school-girls crush. I felt real moments and I know you felt real moments and yknow when you said that nothing else mattered when you were with me and all that lovey-dovey stuff.. but, the thing is love is durable, not ephemeral. My love is like a punch-drunk boxer shrugging off a mean right-hook and getting back up in the tenth round and your love, your love is for lightweights.
Maybe it was just me, I just wasnt the one for you. Maybe it was timing. Maybe its the coldness with which you make decisions, maybe it was outside influences, maybe I just wasnt in the right place in my life to give you the space you wanted, maybe it was that other boy whose ass I could kick I dont know and Ill probably never know. And, it isnt really worth it trying to guess, is it?
After two months of looking at this from every possible angle, all Ive learned is that I cant do shit about it and I never could have. The only thing I can do, that I can control, is the thing that I am best at: being Jordan (I challenge you to find someone who is better at being Jordan).
Maybe all of this wouldve been different if you actually wanted a boyfriend. I dont know? I find that harder and harder to believe anyway, since youve already let your head get spun around by a different guy. You want to throw away what we had for the flash and the pop? Go ahead. But, I gotta move on. If you realize you made a mistake and that I mean to you what you mean to me, well I cant wait for that. Honestly, I dont want any part of a girl who hasnt got the guts to see it through to the end. So, if thats the case, it was just a matter of time til it ended anyway. Say whatever you will, but we had something real and something special and it couldve been so much more.
So, it all comes back to: I dont know shit. All of this relationship and emotional stuff is a swirling fog of bullshit. If you love me and if I matter to you, then you will know it. I love you and you matter to me and this comic book is a document of that love. I gave you everything I had, it wasnt enough and I just feel like the biggest fucking fool. It is very shitty to feel so valueless to someone who means so much to me. Could it have really happened with anybody
Im sad to say it, but this ends in bitterness; memories are tainted and thoughts of you make me want to scream and punch shit. All of the love I poured into these comics only makes me angry and sad and extraordinarily bitter. They are an expression of how I felt and a method by which I defined my feelings in order to step away from them. Life goes on. It just pisses me off that I loved you so much and you did this the way that you did.
I know nothing about the future. I know for sure that we had potential and that was severed prematurely. I wouldve given you all of the fun in the world. I wouldve challenged you in ways no man would have the guts to (seen things in you that no one would look for). I wouldve given you a thousand different shades of red and enough Peanut Butter Cups to feed a moderate to small sized country. If that girl who made the eyes at me and held my hand for the entire day that we saw The Animation Show, if that girl was interested in being serious, and exploring what we had, and wanted to treat me as good as I treated her well, we would have something to talk about.
But, Im strong enough now to know that you are not faultless we were not torn apart by unseen forces, you ended it, and I didnt deserve to be treated the way that you treated me in the last three months and that will never happen again.
Despite everything (despite myself),
I love you with all of my heart,
And, your kiss is still on my list.
Jordan
***
For the love of God, please do not leave advice. Random comments, anecdotes and general well-wishing will be gratefully accepted however.
I am completely devoid of verbal creativity lately. Rather than blather about some nonsense, I'm posting a letter I wrote a few years ago to a girl that I was in love with who had dumped me a few months previous. In the intervening time, I had written and illustrated thirty-five one panel comics about what I was going through:
This, I guess, was spurred on from talking to the girl (Leah) online last night and almost going out with her and some of her friends to catch up on things. I decided at the last minute that I'd rather dance and see Palo than rehash the past. It's no secret that Palo and I have a gloriously dysfunctional relationship. I will say, honestly that she is the best girlfriend that I've ever had. She's loyal, sweet, funny and beautiful if a bit naive and frustrating (but hey, everyone has faults, right)?
We decided a few months ago that if we make it to one year and our relationship is still at a standstill (ie if I am not in love with her) than it would be best to call it quits. I find myself wondering why one girl who left me hanging when I needed her the most got the brunt of my attention for years after we broke up and another, who would drop everything she was doing just to be by my side if I needed her only gets about 85% of what I have to offer as a lover.
I mean, y'all have seen her naked and many of you have hung out with her, you know she's fun and cute, nearly perfect breasts and a million cute "come hither" looks. And, the only thing holding me back is a heart full of unanswered questions. I don't think any one person has the answers, I think it's a matter of learning more about myself and the life I want to live. I know that I could never commit to her completely if I wasn't certain that I could follow through on that commitment and to me, the resulting discomfort is preferable to leading someone on and making them even more jaded and fucked-up.
Leah always accused me of rambling. To this day, I get jumpy when I talk to her, because a part of me still wants her to like me and I fear I may speak too much and offend her. Thats how I know it ain't real with her. It's just a glimpse of something. Something that I have to find on my own.
Really, that is each of our responsiblities, finding the things you love about so many different people in one person. Maybe just finding the one person who leaves you with no questions worth finding answers for.
So, here is a snapshot of a broken soul rebuilding itself. A boy using his artwork to survive. No shortcuts. No cheap fucks. No drinking. No drugs. No food binges. Beautiful girl, don't think I don't know what you will go through when we end. It'll be hard for me too, but worse on you. I have to walk from comfort, warmth and protection into boredom and solitude and loneliness. But, I guess that's fair.
Main Body
Dear Leah,
I started writing and drawing these comics because you wouldnt talk to me and I was confused as hell about why things just ended. I suppose if I was a drinker or a drug user there would have been some kind of binge to get through the depression, but, Im a writer and artist, so I drew a shitload of comics.
For the most part, I drew them for me, not for you, even though many of them are written directly to you. They were my way of trying to work through the crazy twisted-up feelings I was having instead of just sitting around and being miserable. As it was, you broke up with me during one of the hardest periods of my life and I had to deal with losing my apartment, and trying to get a handle on the biggest design project Ive ever taken on all at once. So, drawing those comics wasnt some pathetic act of clingy devotion, it was me disciplining myself to deal with those emotions at an appropriate time and in an appropriate manner.
I kind of always knew that I would give them to you. At first it seemed like a clever ploy to win you back, but now now I know better. There isnt anything I can do to make you love me like I love you, because the fact of the matter is, if you loved me like I loved you, youd be fighting like a cornered animal to keep us together. Instead, youve tossed me aside with complete indifference. So, Im giving you these comics for a couple of reasons. I dont want them, I dont want to own the originals I dont want to be tempted to publish them or reuse the artwork for my own needs and I dont want to sit around looking at them. They are the most honest thing Ive done artistically in the last two years, all because of you, and I felt you just deserved having them. I guess itll just help me to move on to know I gave it everything I had and there was no doubts that you knew how I felt. And, to some extent, in a school-boy kinda way, I just want you to know what you threw away.
Drawing them helped me get back into comics and creating art for personal expression and its been such an amazing thing for me. I had this deep fear inside that Id spend so much time trying to make it that Id be in my late twenties before I started telling the stories in my heart. Since Ive been working on these, Ive had new inspiration for the Go-Ped A Go Go website and Ive laid so much groundwork for We Must Become Our Heroes, Ive starting working on (a different) comic again for the first time since April 2002, its gonna be a 7 page short-comic that I publish in the magazine. Im on the right path again now, so I guess you could be thanked for that. I hope you know how much of a big deal it is for me to give away my original artwork, especially if it hasnt been published. Only one other person has something comparable and thats my best friend Chris from back home, I gave him one of my (full) sketchbooks when I left for college. No one else in the world has a 35 page one of a kind comic book written and drawn for them by me.
Still, after 35 pages of comics, I still have no idea how you went from making school-girl eyes at me and hanging on my every word to treating me like absolute shit in the course of six weeks, I guess that isnt something Ill ever know. All I know is that when you loved me, truly loved me (yknow, when you actually wanted to be around me and werent playing your little rebel games) I felt like a goddamn KING and nothing else in the world mattered. And then it ended.
You make me feel like the romance and the instant messaging and the kissing and the little cards I made for you and the messages I left on your phone telling you how beautiful I thought you were you make me feel like that was just fun for you, then when it got real, you got bored when it wasnt about being wooed by a dumb fucking boy, you walked away. As it is now, its hard as hell for me to believe I was anything more than a school-girls crush. I felt real moments and I know you felt real moments and yknow when you said that nothing else mattered when you were with me and all that lovey-dovey stuff.. but, the thing is love is durable, not ephemeral. My love is like a punch-drunk boxer shrugging off a mean right-hook and getting back up in the tenth round and your love, your love is for lightweights.
Maybe it was just me, I just wasnt the one for you. Maybe it was timing. Maybe its the coldness with which you make decisions, maybe it was outside influences, maybe I just wasnt in the right place in my life to give you the space you wanted, maybe it was that other boy whose ass I could kick I dont know and Ill probably never know. And, it isnt really worth it trying to guess, is it?
After two months of looking at this from every possible angle, all Ive learned is that I cant do shit about it and I never could have. The only thing I can do, that I can control, is the thing that I am best at: being Jordan (I challenge you to find someone who is better at being Jordan).
Maybe all of this wouldve been different if you actually wanted a boyfriend. I dont know? I find that harder and harder to believe anyway, since youve already let your head get spun around by a different guy. You want to throw away what we had for the flash and the pop? Go ahead. But, I gotta move on. If you realize you made a mistake and that I mean to you what you mean to me, well I cant wait for that. Honestly, I dont want any part of a girl who hasnt got the guts to see it through to the end. So, if thats the case, it was just a matter of time til it ended anyway. Say whatever you will, but we had something real and something special and it couldve been so much more.
So, it all comes back to: I dont know shit. All of this relationship and emotional stuff is a swirling fog of bullshit. If you love me and if I matter to you, then you will know it. I love you and you matter to me and this comic book is a document of that love. I gave you everything I had, it wasnt enough and I just feel like the biggest fucking fool. It is very shitty to feel so valueless to someone who means so much to me. Could it have really happened with anybody
Im sad to say it, but this ends in bitterness; memories are tainted and thoughts of you make me want to scream and punch shit. All of the love I poured into these comics only makes me angry and sad and extraordinarily bitter. They are an expression of how I felt and a method by which I defined my feelings in order to step away from them. Life goes on. It just pisses me off that I loved you so much and you did this the way that you did.
I know nothing about the future. I know for sure that we had potential and that was severed prematurely. I wouldve given you all of the fun in the world. I wouldve challenged you in ways no man would have the guts to (seen things in you that no one would look for). I wouldve given you a thousand different shades of red and enough Peanut Butter Cups to feed a moderate to small sized country. If that girl who made the eyes at me and held my hand for the entire day that we saw The Animation Show, if that girl was interested in being serious, and exploring what we had, and wanted to treat me as good as I treated her well, we would have something to talk about.
But, Im strong enough now to know that you are not faultless we were not torn apart by unseen forces, you ended it, and I didnt deserve to be treated the way that you treated me in the last three months and that will never happen again.
Despite everything (despite myself),
I love you with all of my heart,
And, your kiss is still on my list.
Jordan
***
For the love of God, please do not leave advice. Random comments, anecdotes and general well-wishing will be gratefully accepted however.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Not wisdom, but a random observation.
Now for randomness.
Popeye!
And a goat!
Dancing and Palo = absolutely the right choice
&
General wishes of well!!!!