I'm beginning to feel nothing. No love, no anger, no connection to anything or anyone. I've been forced to quit my primary psychiatric medication of over a decade due to what seems an allergic reaction, but due to a change in my Medicare coverage mandated January 1st I have no options. I can't even return to my most recent provider, I tried to yesterday and they turned me away despite my pleas to pay out of my pocket for whatever they required. I called this morning with the promise to call them from jail, a predictable eventuality unmedicated. I've fallen back into all my excuses to disengage myself from the limited contact I have. So I'm reaching out here, a greater effort than you might imagine. But one requiring no greater effort than showering and sitting down again.
I wore myself thin during the holidays doing double or triple shifts in my voliunteer position, because nobody else showed up. Now I have a cold I don't dare pass on. Not the flu, I get the vaccinations as soon as they're available. I'm sure some of my physical failure is related to my psycholoigacal failure. I'm approaching a point of indifference. The two people I've reached out to in moments of crisis over the internet are no longer online or at the same address. I suspect you're tjhnking it's because I write them endlessly, whining about this and that. Truth be told I've not written either in a few years.
I've listed this subject of protocol as "apologies." I dislike things requiring a categorical definition, I suspect we all do, but it seemed most suitable of the choices provided.
So, let's provide a few apologies to suit whoever might read this in the hope of finding greater failure in someone else. I regret my innate inability to identify with people due to psychosis. I make the efforts but it CAN'T go away, despite any current medications available. Being denied those, soon I'll be too indifferent to recognize consolation or contradiction to my opinions. I apologize for the opportunities I've missed to be a better person to those in need, and I regret my inability to express myself more concisely. If anything, I'll regret the possibility of a reply I might be unable to respond to. Pray for me if you're inclined to do so anyway. If not, try praying for yourselves. My best, for what it's worth, to all.
Since I'm still working on brevity, I can at least fulfill my intention to edit what I write. Reviewing what I've written so far I beg you not to misinterpret it. I fully intend to outlive everyone else on this site. That said, whack me or wrtite me.
I wore myself thin during the holidays doing double or triple shifts in my voliunteer position, because nobody else showed up. Now I have a cold I don't dare pass on. Not the flu, I get the vaccinations as soon as they're available. I'm sure some of my physical failure is related to my psycholoigacal failure. I'm approaching a point of indifference. The two people I've reached out to in moments of crisis over the internet are no longer online or at the same address. I suspect you're tjhnking it's because I write them endlessly, whining about this and that. Truth be told I've not written either in a few years.
I've listed this subject of protocol as "apologies." I dislike things requiring a categorical definition, I suspect we all do, but it seemed most suitable of the choices provided.
So, let's provide a few apologies to suit whoever might read this in the hope of finding greater failure in someone else. I regret my innate inability to identify with people due to psychosis. I make the efforts but it CAN'T go away, despite any current medications available. Being denied those, soon I'll be too indifferent to recognize consolation or contradiction to my opinions. I apologize for the opportunities I've missed to be a better person to those in need, and I regret my inability to express myself more concisely. If anything, I'll regret the possibility of a reply I might be unable to respond to. Pray for me if you're inclined to do so anyway. If not, try praying for yourselves. My best, for what it's worth, to all.
Since I'm still working on brevity, I can at least fulfill my intention to edit what I write. Reviewing what I've written so far I beg you not to misinterpret it. I fully intend to outlive everyone else on this site. That said, whack me or wrtite me.
apostrophenow:
There is a school of thought that asserts all stories are some variation on a story from a short list of themes; these themes derive from lore passed down through hundreds of generations. From a metaphysical perspective these stories could be considered universal to the extent of all human experience. Your story is familiar to me; it's slightly different from mine, but not much. I feel empathy; partly as a result of my own pain - and partly because I suspect that your effort to find kindness in a place where taking pleasure in the pain of another is somewhat de rigueur may lead to further heartache (namely, the internet). You may not find comfort in the knowledge that whatever your story leads to, it's been done, and someone is bound to follow you. But at least you're not totally alone.