So I was bored as hell at 1:26 am and i decided to read some of my old stuff, when i came across this and i relized to myself i'm still going through my transformation and i will continue doing so for a while so i might aswell buck up and get the mind working!!
Hope yall can give me some insight or just comment on it!
Started @ 2/4/05/ @ 12:15 AM
I really dont know what to write. I mean I have so many thoughts in my head sometimes that its impossible to put them into words. Some times I scare myself and realize I might be only heading for failure. Other times I realize I cant continue to linger on starring away aimlessly at the sky, waiting for my chunk to hit me on the head. Im truly scared Im not going to make it in life. Ever had the feeling that someones controlling you and you cant stop them from running your life? I do. I know it sounds crazy but its like the fates have set me up for disaster and all Im doing is making it easier for them. I mean everybody has it hard sometimes, but when can I have it a little bit easy. I hate abandonment its like every time I have something it leaves me and everyone I love leaves me. I can never be happy. But hey I could have it far worse then it is already. I just dont think Im going to ever make a change or an impact on people or things. And its like all the grandeur and the splendor of life is fading away ever so slowly like a glass of wine spilling onto carpet. Seeping itself deeper and deeper into the core, staining it. I feel like a complete idiot sometimes around people and I cant help but think that Im not meant to be around them. I mean take Michael for instance he is destined for greatness and I continuously drag him lower then hell itself. I hate being so pitiful. But I dont think I should even be alive right now. I am the spawn of hate and fallacy. I mean if I was ever meant to be loved then why did it come so late and with a price. That price being someone with so much pain, suffering, and mistrust toward themselves. Cant they see the beauty I see? Cant they see the radiance I see in there eyes? And feel the warmth every time their skin touches mine, and the love that explodes like tiny little diamonds onto my skin every time we embrace and make love? Even for an instant? I dont understand it Why love someone that cant see the love you see? But I continue on. Maybe to find that love we have to search deeper into the person and search their soul. Think of how many beats there are in a heart. Now think of how many times a person can get hurt in a lifetime and calculate that. It is absolutely billions and billions of times in a lifetime. No human can take that pain. And I know it because I feel that pain still in the core of my soul. I want so much to feel that love that I so deeply desire in my life. Maybe I already I have, maybe I havent. Suffering is a terrible thing but man and woman is destined to suffer same as Jesus Christ did for our sins. And so we are doomed to a life of undying devotion and fallacy based on the simple fact that we are men and women. I know deep in my heart that someday the greatness of all life will come back to claim what is rightfully his and destroy all that man has so selfishly created in attempts to control the world. OK time for a relapse of all philosophical and theological. Back to me, I really want to finish school and go to college far away and dorm and study mass communications and marketing and management. And then I can own a major Corporation that deals with major radio, television and movie productions. Ill call it skrewed creations and I will travel the world and do great things and when Im done traveling. Ill get married to the man I love. Buy a great big house with a ton of rooms and raise my 4 kids there and well have a wonderful life. Well at least thats what I hope. I mean I can always end up marrying some scumbag who uses me for all my money. And when Im worth nothing leave me for some other girl. Or I can go even further back as to not finishing high school and getting kicked out of my house, and moving in with a friend. Getting a job as a stripper at night and becoming addicted to cocaine. Ill finally make it as a porn star. Then Ill be taken by some serial killer named Lou who likes to make dolls out of womens bodies. Yup I can see it now. But I have to stop being as melodramatic as mike so lightly put it. I have to view life as a glass half full not half empty. And as he said I am starting to better my self. I mean I did register for night school and only that can lead to the betterment of me. While Im bettering myself I am creating a more positive outlook to my life and a better chance at reaching my goals and potential. So as for more stuff to write Im actually exhausted and would like to rest my now flowing with ideas mind. But as there is nothing better for me to do I shall return and write more at a later time or date.
Ended @ 2/5/05 @ 1:57 am
as always
Hope yall can give me some insight or just comment on it!
Started @ 2/4/05/ @ 12:15 AM
I really dont know what to write. I mean I have so many thoughts in my head sometimes that its impossible to put them into words. Some times I scare myself and realize I might be only heading for failure. Other times I realize I cant continue to linger on starring away aimlessly at the sky, waiting for my chunk to hit me on the head. Im truly scared Im not going to make it in life. Ever had the feeling that someones controlling you and you cant stop them from running your life? I do. I know it sounds crazy but its like the fates have set me up for disaster and all Im doing is making it easier for them. I mean everybody has it hard sometimes, but when can I have it a little bit easy. I hate abandonment its like every time I have something it leaves me and everyone I love leaves me. I can never be happy. But hey I could have it far worse then it is already. I just dont think Im going to ever make a change or an impact on people or things. And its like all the grandeur and the splendor of life is fading away ever so slowly like a glass of wine spilling onto carpet. Seeping itself deeper and deeper into the core, staining it. I feel like a complete idiot sometimes around people and I cant help but think that Im not meant to be around them. I mean take Michael for instance he is destined for greatness and I continuously drag him lower then hell itself. I hate being so pitiful. But I dont think I should even be alive right now. I am the spawn of hate and fallacy. I mean if I was ever meant to be loved then why did it come so late and with a price. That price being someone with so much pain, suffering, and mistrust toward themselves. Cant they see the beauty I see? Cant they see the radiance I see in there eyes? And feel the warmth every time their skin touches mine, and the love that explodes like tiny little diamonds onto my skin every time we embrace and make love? Even for an instant? I dont understand it Why love someone that cant see the love you see? But I continue on. Maybe to find that love we have to search deeper into the person and search their soul. Think of how many beats there are in a heart. Now think of how many times a person can get hurt in a lifetime and calculate that. It is absolutely billions and billions of times in a lifetime. No human can take that pain. And I know it because I feel that pain still in the core of my soul. I want so much to feel that love that I so deeply desire in my life. Maybe I already I have, maybe I havent. Suffering is a terrible thing but man and woman is destined to suffer same as Jesus Christ did for our sins. And so we are doomed to a life of undying devotion and fallacy based on the simple fact that we are men and women. I know deep in my heart that someday the greatness of all life will come back to claim what is rightfully his and destroy all that man has so selfishly created in attempts to control the world. OK time for a relapse of all philosophical and theological. Back to me, I really want to finish school and go to college far away and dorm and study mass communications and marketing and management. And then I can own a major Corporation that deals with major radio, television and movie productions. Ill call it skrewed creations and I will travel the world and do great things and when Im done traveling. Ill get married to the man I love. Buy a great big house with a ton of rooms and raise my 4 kids there and well have a wonderful life. Well at least thats what I hope. I mean I can always end up marrying some scumbag who uses me for all my money. And when Im worth nothing leave me for some other girl. Or I can go even further back as to not finishing high school and getting kicked out of my house, and moving in with a friend. Getting a job as a stripper at night and becoming addicted to cocaine. Ill finally make it as a porn star. Then Ill be taken by some serial killer named Lou who likes to make dolls out of womens bodies. Yup I can see it now. But I have to stop being as melodramatic as mike so lightly put it. I have to view life as a glass half full not half empty. And as he said I am starting to better my self. I mean I did register for night school and only that can lead to the betterment of me. While Im bettering myself I am creating a more positive outlook to my life and a better chance at reaching my goals and potential. So as for more stuff to write Im actually exhausted and would like to rest my now flowing with ideas mind. But as there is nothing better for me to do I shall return and write more at a later time or date.
Ended @ 2/5/05 @ 1:57 am
as always