bionicfemme

I added like 20 pics on my pictures folder...think of it as a not naked set!

So i'm going to start smoking. I want a sexy smoker's voice, dammit. Plus it just looks sexy. I don't care what the hell they taught me in D.A.R.E. in fifth grade, smoking really IS good for you! I want something that tastes exotic and sweet, that tastes nothing like a cigarette. I hear Camel exotic blends are a good choice, in particular Camel Crema. Do you guys have any suggestions? I'm about to go to that huge fatty tobacco head shop on Haight street and peruse through what they've got.

I want to do something terribly romantic and posh today, like get cigarettes that taste like vanilla, and smoke them outside of a nice cafe after drinking chai. I am your un-vice vice girl. I will only drink if you can't taste the alcohol and I will only smoke if you can't taste the tobacco.

Right now i'm going through a hard part of my life. Usually I pride myself on being a strong, well disciplined girl that has a good head on her shoulders and knows herself fairly accurately. Lately I am re-evaluating everything that I am and I don't know what to do to make things right.

Part of me thirsts deeply for the evil, basic seductive power Audrey displayed on the dancefloor in the club. I think back to that a lot lately, how every move she did was precise and she didn't mess up at all. But I think back to an excerpt from our conversation:

"You smile too much, Miss 21" -Audrey
"Have you ever thought that maybe you don't smile enough?" -Me
"Maybe I could learn something from someone so young." -Audrey
"Yeah, maybe you really should." -Me

I really do wish I was confident enough to seduce the entire world and hold them in a really steady gaze, like a cobra before it snares its prey and sinks its fangs into the flesh of another.

I want that power, and I want to wield it at will. Use my body with precision like a weapon. Point blank and bang. That's why I want to get my Bionic Femme tattoo with a handgun and a tube of lipstick. That's what it represents to me.

And I went for a walk in the rain yesterday and realized that I really don't need a girlfriend. Contrary to popular belief I can stand on my own and am happy by myself. The problem is that I always begin to hate myself severely when a girl doesn't want me, I feel it's because I look funny or because i'm not sexy enough and I disappoint them. But seeing what happened with Audrey on Thursday made me realize how off my perception is. How could I go meet some bitchy coke addict with virtually no soul and no personality, and then blame myself for not being pleasing enough to her?

That's when I realized what the real problem is. I don't need a girlfriend. I need to stop attacking myself so hatefully and be happy with what I am. And until I do that, I really shouldn't be with anyone anyway.