billybillybilly

hehe...

weird interactions i had today.

woke up just fuckin'... i don't know. i wasn't hung over, i wasn't feeling bad per se, just... i had a lot to drink the night before.

i drank a pint of jag to myself, but let's keep in mind guys... i weigh 135lbs wearing sopping wet hockey goalie equipment. and then i had some jack. and then i smoked some illegal marijuana. and then i thought my heart was going to explode. and then i ended up in the bathroom...

parade was over.

so... it was a strange morning. moderately strange. i cleaned up after myself and then took a nap.

walked to dinner. walked to starbucks. the day was warm. on arriving, i meet someone who i most definitely should have met quite a while back.

red-head catholic school girl starbucks junkie. said she's in there everyday and has been going in everyday for a very long time. i found this odd, as i used to be in there every day back when my drinking habit was still a drinking coffee habit. sometimes for quite a while. i know all the employees through other employees and the folks at that one are mostly my age with similar interests so we get in hour long conversations at times. not uncommon in the slightest.

and now, here's this girl who knows everything that's gone on there for the last year and some things that i don't know. all the drama, the cast and crew.

and she was nice. and interesting. and me...

as in me three months ago. and we were talking about things that strangers don't normally talk about. going into our personal lives on queue with no real hangups about oversharing or backing down just to agree. that was genuinely strange to me.

she tells me to stop drinking and gives me all the reasons to stop that i've ever given people pressuring me to do it as reasons i never started in the first place. she's not particularly heavy-handed about it, just like i was never particularly self-righteous about it.

she was funny and she was interesting and she was...

too young.

and my thoughts at the time were that even if age is not or shouldn't be an issue here, i would break this girl in half without even trying. that interest she was showing was a particular kind of interest that's not common from what i see everyday but that's noticeable from miles. it was the kind that was willing to put up with certain things. the kind that would allow her to be stepped on. that's the bad kind of interest. it's the only kind of interest that's ever led me into any relationship where i was the one on the leash.

it was the kind of interest where you tell yourself and the other person exactly what your hangups are, and even when hearing that the other person has a checkmark in each of the boxes next to said hangup, you still fiddle with your wallet nervously wondering if it's appropriate to hand over your phone number yet. it's knowing the person is unhealthy for you, but still lingering at the door. it's the kind where you've just met the person and you're already trying to prod them toward healthy choices out of selfishness to eliminate those hangups.

i'm still wrapped up in someone who is wonderful and beautiful and smart and who i love, but that person is also the worst thing for me right now. beyond that, she's not even for me. not me at all. even still, the slightest interactions send me right back into the rabbit hole, and i don't want to put anyone through my shit, so if i hook up with anyone in the future it should be someone who won't put up with it at all.

so there.

i consider that thought patern as evidence of personal growth.

*

PDA playing in my head walking down hennepin singing happy swaggering along past strangers in cars watching me walk stumble forward and on toward home.

*

laundry room on lyndale next to sunny side up.

one latin american family. very nice people. warm. lots of loony children running around being happy. like, actually, genuinely happy. laughing. LAUGHING. running up in front of me and stopping with BIG eyes. staring and then when i look up from Catch-22 running away yelling down the aisle stopping turning and smiling.

then the attendant comes in looking at me like he just did not enjoy my presence included in that scenario.

staring around the room and finally picking things up and cleaning them and staring at me hard when in closer proximity. i decided to pretend he wasn't there. dryer finished and i go to take my clothes out positioned near his closet and he puts away the cleaning products steps out the door looks right at me smiles big and with this southernish backwoods drawl and crooked lips says,

"You have a good night, man!"



...okay then, guess i'll do that.

*

here i am, writing this out. i just got a phone call. it was this guy i exchanged numbers with at perkins almost a week ago when i was eating with roby and discussing the upcoming interpol show.

he called about a party i said i might go to about three or four days ago. i didn't answer. and now he's calling me again. i had this weird feeling like he's bad news.

i still have that feeling.

and it's that weirdness that means i might call him back.