"I still think about you all the time"
"Keep trying'
"because i want to see you have a long and happy life"
"I love you man" ( an IM with Rob Rasch)
It's nice to hear from a friend you havent seen since you were basically falling off the edge of the earth and very close to death. I miss all the people that were close to me. In the last few years, because of my own self-destructive lifestyle, Ive lost touch with the people who really meant a lot to me. And when I would see them, I was jsut a disappointment due to my lack of conciousness while hanging out. And now that things are diffrent, I miss the way things were. Im trying not to live in the past, but there are a lot of things I had to give up that I never should have had to, and I regret more than anything losing the relationships that I had with certain people whome I could never have a similar relationship with anyone else again.Like Rob Rasch, and Rob Ezelius, and Marie Hansen, and the countless other people I never see anymore who used to be the people that I called my family. But i lost the scope of things, I shifted focus, I ran away from all the pain and nightmarish self-loathing consuming my life, I took the only route I saw at the time towards what I thought was the only answer to the emptyness inside me, and it didn't leave me with anything except more emptyness and pain and despair and self-hatred. And I wonder how long it will last till I'm back for another round. I think I've escaped, I tore its grip from my fucking neck, but for how long? How long before I push away everyone Ive ever loved and every conviction ive ever had for the warmth and security that I feel my life is devoid of? Before I turn away, defeated and broken, walking slowly down the path not to enlightenment but to darkness, with no guide or lamp to light my path and keep me from overstepping even my own boundaries. Sorry for the fucking heavy entries, but I fucking hate the paths ive chosen in the past, which are going to haunt my every fucking step for the rest of my life. There is no escape. This is my life...I have to come to terms. But its not like bitching about it to fucking people I don't even know is going to change anything...
"Keep trying'
"because i want to see you have a long and happy life"
"I love you man" ( an IM with Rob Rasch)
It's nice to hear from a friend you havent seen since you were basically falling off the edge of the earth and very close to death. I miss all the people that were close to me. In the last few years, because of my own self-destructive lifestyle, Ive lost touch with the people who really meant a lot to me. And when I would see them, I was jsut a disappointment due to my lack of conciousness while hanging out. And now that things are diffrent, I miss the way things were. Im trying not to live in the past, but there are a lot of things I had to give up that I never should have had to, and I regret more than anything losing the relationships that I had with certain people whome I could never have a similar relationship with anyone else again.Like Rob Rasch, and Rob Ezelius, and Marie Hansen, and the countless other people I never see anymore who used to be the people that I called my family. But i lost the scope of things, I shifted focus, I ran away from all the pain and nightmarish self-loathing consuming my life, I took the only route I saw at the time towards what I thought was the only answer to the emptyness inside me, and it didn't leave me with anything except more emptyness and pain and despair and self-hatred. And I wonder how long it will last till I'm back for another round. I think I've escaped, I tore its grip from my fucking neck, but for how long? How long before I push away everyone Ive ever loved and every conviction ive ever had for the warmth and security that I feel my life is devoid of? Before I turn away, defeated and broken, walking slowly down the path not to enlightenment but to darkness, with no guide or lamp to light my path and keep me from overstepping even my own boundaries. Sorry for the fucking heavy entries, but I fucking hate the paths ive chosen in the past, which are going to haunt my every fucking step for the rest of my life. There is no escape. This is my life...I have to come to terms. But its not like bitching about it to fucking people I don't even know is going to change anything...
Fuck problems, man. Fuck worrying about having them, just a massive waste of time. Deal with them with zero bullshit when you hit them and you'll realise, in perspective, how miniscule they really are.
And don't apologise for the heavy entries. This is your journal. You're not playing to an audience, you're sorting your own stuff out. Never apologise for that.
Take it easy, man. Hope you're doing better soon.