I had this big list of things I wanted to write about as that is the custom for me as a writer in my journals. Always has been. But I cannot find the list. I only vaugely remember the list and there are other things I want to talk about.
So we're going to sit here, we being me and the cast of thousands that live in my head, be cold and tired and tweaked off on crystal and we're going to write until we can't write anymore. Then I'm going to go to bed and try to die. I will fail in my attempt but believe me, one day I'm going to succeed.
And yes, that was an "emo/goth/feel sorry for me" moment just now. It's done with. Shut up about it.
- I Wanna Be Adored -
(02:33:16) streaksinthe5ky: Guess what I just did?
(02:33:25) streaksinthe5ky: THe pixie can tell you.. one sec
(02:37:12) streaksinthe5ky: me,kris,and, danielle were really bad. if you hadn't gone back to make money you could have taken pictures. maybe you'll get another chance if you bring your black ass back up here soon.danielle wants to say hi.
(02:37:51) streaksinthe5ky: hey mark just wanted to say hi and tell u I had LOTS of FUN...
(02:38:19) streaksinthe5ky: and i am now 18 so it was legal wooohooo!!! lol
(02:38:24) streaksinthe5ky: luv ya
(02:39:45) streaksinthe5ky: gotta go home peace
(02:43:42) streaksinthe5ky: its the pixie. we'll have to put this day down in history. i watched kris fuck another girl and i'm not being hauled off for murder 1. hope youhad fun at work talk to you later!!!!
(02:43:48) streaksinthe5ky: one more, from me (Kris)
(02:43:56) streaksinthe5ky: I'm tthe fucking man beeeeotch!!!
Coming home from a long cold night at the shop, where unbeknownst to me my cook decided to call out and so I had to cook in completely freezing temperatures while coming down from some crystal (Long fucking night, let me tell you...), and finding this little lump of joy in my IM box makes me both really really angry and really really sad.
No, for the record, I DIDN'T have fun at work. And right now, in my life, the idea of me watching my best friend, her boyfriend and some little skank ho from the north end fuck and take pictures of it for me to just dream and lust over and publish on the internet ISN'T a good idea. And, for the record, I'm getting really fed up with my desires for women and companionship and shit. I'm getting so tired about this because it feels like it's my new old obsession now. The old diseases renamed and reborn and worse for fucking wear.
The odds of me getting into that were slim to none and even if there were a slit for me, I'm not sure I would have taken in. I posted a line on a Dirty Talk board here the other day that the only way I'd ever have a three way with someone is if the idea of a true three way relationship was on the horizon. I'm just far too selfish to share like that. I'm scared that love will happen without reciprocation and I'm tired of feeling like I have to abandon my right to feelings to have sexual desires and dates and canoodlings with women nowadays.
Feelings cripple me. The fear that I'll fall in love with someone 15 minutes to an hour after meeting them scares me so much now because my heart is bursting sometimes with the need for love. I thirst for love. There is so much hatred in my life that I want someone to love. I want someone to love so badly that it fucking scares me. I don't want to obsess over them...but I want to love them without fear. I want to be paternal to someone and sexual at the same time and I'm tired of feeling taboo for it. I'm a walking taboo. Hooray for me.
- My Head Hurts -
Amy braided my head again. New pictures will be up soon but I'm just not in the mood to take them.
If seeing her at work was bad for my heart, seeing her in sweats and a clingy shirt acting like every around the way girl I've ever lusted after made me pissed all damned day yesterday. She is everything I want...and absolutely so not for me in a good way. Getting involved with her is getting involved with someone who had a child at 15 and considers herself mature as fuck. Every time I feel feelings for her and hear her give me shit about having feelings for her and not being scared about that, I want to slit my throat for even putting myself through that. She's not worth it.
Then if she's not worth it, why do I desire her more as the days go by? Why do I desire to slit her throat out of spite? Why do i sometimes rue the day I met her and wished she never wanted to speak to me so I could hate her properly?
And feeling these new cornrows reminds me of her. They should. She did them. Fuck me running, I'm a douchebag loser loveslave bitch.
*sighs and continues to pine quietly*
- Coldness Of Life -
Cold is a metaphor for my life right now. In times of great distress, it was usually cold as fuck. I remember sometimes during the winter sleeping 15 hours a day just to escape. Sleep works for me. I sleep and cry and deal as best I can and I'm cold all the time. My flatmates, who are still on the skids but the woman doesn't know it, like the house so cold that it makes it impossible a lot of the time to feel like I'm anything more then a boarder who occasionally comes outside to talk and make conversation and make food. I don't even watch TV anymore because I'm tired of being cold.
Cold haunts me everywhere I go. It's cold at home, cold at work, cold in my heart, cold on my dates as the women I meet get scared and run, cold everywhere I go. Sometimes I feel like instead of a heart beating in my chest there is a big chunk of ice with a motor attached to it. I feel cold inside of me all the time. I feel it and it consumes me a lot and makes me tired and depressed and shit. I shiver a lot.
My fingertips get cold a lot. It's from all this damned typing. But without the writing and the typing, I think I'd go nuts. I already am but now it's even worse. Apparently. I think I have an ice cube in my chest causing me to be cold and sad and wanting to cry. That would qualify me for being nuts. Right?
- End Notes -
1. I started to finally read Robert Greene's book, "The Art Of Seduction". It scares me a lot. It scares me that the idea of seduction is the way to get women and people to love you and want you. Seduction scares me; the idea that I even want to become a seducer makes me want to choke myself. It's hard to want to fly so free but still be chained to the morals that have made me me. I don't want to be an anti-seducer, but I also don't want to deny the dark soul inside of me. It feels like throughout the entire book that it's all about putting on a mask and letting it become your real face but for me, I've done that and it sucks. In the end, I look at myself one morning and I feel like a sherpa shit for doing it.
But I can't put it down very long. That will tell you how much I want to be more then I am. I so fucking hate this.
2. Work again tonight. I hope my myspace girl finally comes to the shop to meet me. I'm not sure she will and I certainly don't expect her to call me on her own accord this soon in our talking...but I'd like to think my bluntness and desire to get things moving hasn't turned her off. If it has, however, so be it. I just don't give a fuck anymore.
3. Walter is leaving for Cave Springs today. I miss him already. I want to fuck his wife, my friend Amber, and convince her to let him go and stay with me...but then again, I see the her who is driving Walter crazy and I'm disgusted with myself for wanting such a cow. I want dysfunction apparently.
4. I made 125 bucks the last two nights at work. I rule.
5. More new music and porn is in my hard drive. I can at least take comfort in the fact that my music and porn collections still rule.
6. I'm biting the bullet once I get my permit this week and paying the money for a school to professionally teech me now to drive. I need to. A car is now a necessity as a way to escape the chains on my wings...and to find work that doesn't kill me with a blunt feather everyday.
And now, as my stomach growls, my yawns increase and my feelings of crying and sadness simmer down to a vaugely sexual sense of melancholy, I decide to stop. It's time to stop because there is little else relevant to say.
Except this. Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday and a merry christmas. For a forgotten christmas baby like me, the idea that I COULD'VE been loved by someone here were I closer to them made me feel good for a few moments when I was in CT. Thank you everyone from the bottom of my rapidly breaking heart.
Later.
So we're going to sit here, we being me and the cast of thousands that live in my head, be cold and tired and tweaked off on crystal and we're going to write until we can't write anymore. Then I'm going to go to bed and try to die. I will fail in my attempt but believe me, one day I'm going to succeed.
And yes, that was an "emo/goth/feel sorry for me" moment just now. It's done with. Shut up about it.
- I Wanna Be Adored -
(02:33:16) streaksinthe5ky: Guess what I just did?
(02:33:25) streaksinthe5ky: THe pixie can tell you.. one sec
(02:37:12) streaksinthe5ky: me,kris,and, danielle were really bad. if you hadn't gone back to make money you could have taken pictures. maybe you'll get another chance if you bring your black ass back up here soon.danielle wants to say hi.
(02:37:51) streaksinthe5ky: hey mark just wanted to say hi and tell u I had LOTS of FUN...
(02:38:19) streaksinthe5ky: and i am now 18 so it was legal wooohooo!!! lol
(02:38:24) streaksinthe5ky: luv ya
(02:39:45) streaksinthe5ky: gotta go home peace
(02:43:42) streaksinthe5ky: its the pixie. we'll have to put this day down in history. i watched kris fuck another girl and i'm not being hauled off for murder 1. hope youhad fun at work talk to you later!!!!
(02:43:48) streaksinthe5ky: one more, from me (Kris)
(02:43:56) streaksinthe5ky: I'm tthe fucking man beeeeotch!!!
Coming home from a long cold night at the shop, where unbeknownst to me my cook decided to call out and so I had to cook in completely freezing temperatures while coming down from some crystal (Long fucking night, let me tell you...), and finding this little lump of joy in my IM box makes me both really really angry and really really sad.
No, for the record, I DIDN'T have fun at work. And right now, in my life, the idea of me watching my best friend, her boyfriend and some little skank ho from the north end fuck and take pictures of it for me to just dream and lust over and publish on the internet ISN'T a good idea. And, for the record, I'm getting really fed up with my desires for women and companionship and shit. I'm getting so tired about this because it feels like it's my new old obsession now. The old diseases renamed and reborn and worse for fucking wear.
The odds of me getting into that were slim to none and even if there were a slit for me, I'm not sure I would have taken in. I posted a line on a Dirty Talk board here the other day that the only way I'd ever have a three way with someone is if the idea of a true three way relationship was on the horizon. I'm just far too selfish to share like that. I'm scared that love will happen without reciprocation and I'm tired of feeling like I have to abandon my right to feelings to have sexual desires and dates and canoodlings with women nowadays.
Feelings cripple me. The fear that I'll fall in love with someone 15 minutes to an hour after meeting them scares me so much now because my heart is bursting sometimes with the need for love. I thirst for love. There is so much hatred in my life that I want someone to love. I want someone to love so badly that it fucking scares me. I don't want to obsess over them...but I want to love them without fear. I want to be paternal to someone and sexual at the same time and I'm tired of feeling taboo for it. I'm a walking taboo. Hooray for me.
- My Head Hurts -
Amy braided my head again. New pictures will be up soon but I'm just not in the mood to take them.
If seeing her at work was bad for my heart, seeing her in sweats and a clingy shirt acting like every around the way girl I've ever lusted after made me pissed all damned day yesterday. She is everything I want...and absolutely so not for me in a good way. Getting involved with her is getting involved with someone who had a child at 15 and considers herself mature as fuck. Every time I feel feelings for her and hear her give me shit about having feelings for her and not being scared about that, I want to slit my throat for even putting myself through that. She's not worth it.
Then if she's not worth it, why do I desire her more as the days go by? Why do I desire to slit her throat out of spite? Why do i sometimes rue the day I met her and wished she never wanted to speak to me so I could hate her properly?
And feeling these new cornrows reminds me of her. They should. She did them. Fuck me running, I'm a douchebag loser loveslave bitch.
*sighs and continues to pine quietly*
- Coldness Of Life -
Cold is a metaphor for my life right now. In times of great distress, it was usually cold as fuck. I remember sometimes during the winter sleeping 15 hours a day just to escape. Sleep works for me. I sleep and cry and deal as best I can and I'm cold all the time. My flatmates, who are still on the skids but the woman doesn't know it, like the house so cold that it makes it impossible a lot of the time to feel like I'm anything more then a boarder who occasionally comes outside to talk and make conversation and make food. I don't even watch TV anymore because I'm tired of being cold.
Cold haunts me everywhere I go. It's cold at home, cold at work, cold in my heart, cold on my dates as the women I meet get scared and run, cold everywhere I go. Sometimes I feel like instead of a heart beating in my chest there is a big chunk of ice with a motor attached to it. I feel cold inside of me all the time. I feel it and it consumes me a lot and makes me tired and depressed and shit. I shiver a lot.
My fingertips get cold a lot. It's from all this damned typing. But without the writing and the typing, I think I'd go nuts. I already am but now it's even worse. Apparently. I think I have an ice cube in my chest causing me to be cold and sad and wanting to cry. That would qualify me for being nuts. Right?
- End Notes -
1. I started to finally read Robert Greene's book, "The Art Of Seduction". It scares me a lot. It scares me that the idea of seduction is the way to get women and people to love you and want you. Seduction scares me; the idea that I even want to become a seducer makes me want to choke myself. It's hard to want to fly so free but still be chained to the morals that have made me me. I don't want to be an anti-seducer, but I also don't want to deny the dark soul inside of me. It feels like throughout the entire book that it's all about putting on a mask and letting it become your real face but for me, I've done that and it sucks. In the end, I look at myself one morning and I feel like a sherpa shit for doing it.
But I can't put it down very long. That will tell you how much I want to be more then I am. I so fucking hate this.
2. Work again tonight. I hope my myspace girl finally comes to the shop to meet me. I'm not sure she will and I certainly don't expect her to call me on her own accord this soon in our talking...but I'd like to think my bluntness and desire to get things moving hasn't turned her off. If it has, however, so be it. I just don't give a fuck anymore.
3. Walter is leaving for Cave Springs today. I miss him already. I want to fuck his wife, my friend Amber, and convince her to let him go and stay with me...but then again, I see the her who is driving Walter crazy and I'm disgusted with myself for wanting such a cow. I want dysfunction apparently.
4. I made 125 bucks the last two nights at work. I rule.
5. More new music and porn is in my hard drive. I can at least take comfort in the fact that my music and porn collections still rule.
6. I'm biting the bullet once I get my permit this week and paying the money for a school to professionally teech me now to drive. I need to. A car is now a necessity as a way to escape the chains on my wings...and to find work that doesn't kill me with a blunt feather everyday.
And now, as my stomach growls, my yawns increase and my feelings of crying and sadness simmer down to a vaugely sexual sense of melancholy, I decide to stop. It's time to stop because there is little else relevant to say.
Except this. Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday and a merry christmas. For a forgotten christmas baby like me, the idea that I COULD'VE been loved by someone here were I closer to them made me feel good for a few moments when I was in CT. Thank you everyone from the bottom of my rapidly breaking heart.
Later.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
The only problem with Crystal is it makes you think bigger thoughts than most people's brains need to think. I'm sorry you are sad. I know what you mean. Today I am happy but there is no guarantee for tomorrow. I just know if I give in to the substance problem, hey, I can be thinking big thoughts again myself!
You know what the connection told me last week? He said I was too smart to do drugs. Now this is not the same thing that my mom used to say ... even though he used the same words. What he meant was: I think too much as it is and when I am tweaking, I am freakin' hectic!
Oh, and happy belated birthday, baby! Had I known, I would have baked ya a cake.