Im writing this now, because yesterday, after weeks of pulling myself together and finally starting to make plans for the future. Finally setting the ball rolling to what i want to get out of this life, my world came crashin down again. I watched a video that claims Scientists in Canada may have found a cure to reverse the side effects of Multiple Sclerosis. They may have found a cure.
In March this year my Mother very suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. She had been a long term sufferer of Multiple Sclerosis (M.S) and in the last year is started to deteriorate. She fought so long and hard and eventually I think it caught up to her. She didn't lose. She didn't give up. She was just tired of it.
We never had the greatest relationship... I think we were both ok with that. We knew we were never going to be bffs but what we had worked fine. At least I thought it did.
The last few weeks have been particularly hard. I have found myself losing interest in so many things. I have had no will power. No motivation. I feel empty and I feel lost. I've not been on here as I don't feel particularly good about myself. I can't bring myself to look in the mirror let alone look at the pictures in my photosets. I have nothing to post. I haven't "liked" myself. But I'm now at the point where I need to jot my thoughts down. Let them out. And I don't know of anywhere else I can apart from here.
It's silly I know. My mum was never one I'd go to for advise or stability. She was fun, and she was good to talk to, but if ever I had a problem, it was always met with something she had experienced also but much worse... almost like a "get over yourself" attitude.
My rock, my best friend and my soul mate is who I look to for advice. Most of the time. I think my mum knew that. She knew that I was happy and content. I think she loved that I had found my place with Scott. As a mother myself. I think a little bit of her must have been sad and maybe a little jealous as she didn't get to have that for long herself.
My mum had a very tough hand dealt to her. Her own mother suddenly passed away at the age of 40. My mum was only 20. She had watched my Nana suffer from depression, be admitted into various different psychiatric hospitals. She saw my nan overdose. She let that last one slip by accident. My Nanas heart then gave up. My mum was then diagnosed with depression also. Understandable but also given history probably terrifying. A couple of months after that she was diagnosed with M.S. she was only 21...
She met my Dad at a house party when she was 30/ish and they hit it off. She then married my him a few years later. The one thing they were told though was that they shouldn't have children. It could make her condition worse. My dad accepted that and never pressured my mum, but my mum after a year of marriage felt there was something missing. She and my dad decided to try. They had me. As my mum always said her "7lb 1/4oz Daddies Wee Girl". I was named after my Dad as he got to choose the girls name. I would have been mums choice of Daniel if I was a boy. I reckon if it was Dad's choice for boy I'd still be called Bobbi!! Anyway... If you are still reading, 16 months after I was born, my mum was dealt another shit hand. My dad, while laying in bed woke to say to my mum he was in pain. My mum watched my dad have a heart attack that took his life. He didn't even make it to the hospital.
My mum had to pick up the pieces. Try and cope with M.S, Depression, losing her soul mate and look after and raise a child all whilst having to hold down a job and pay off a mortgage. She did this on her own. She never remarried, and never once stopped talking to me about my dad. That must have hurt. Happy memories filled with the sad thoight that there wont be anymore.
It must have hurt a little, as well as being overjoyed to see me grow up and have a family of my own with my husband. She loved Scott to bits and thought we were made for each other. I think she was right.
I believe my mum thought it was her time. I believe that she saw I was truly happy. I have 2 wonderful children. Her grandson and her grandaughter whom she loved wholeheartedly. I have my husband. My soul mate. I believe she thought I was safe, and where I needed to be so, now it was her time to be happy again. To see my dad again (who had never really left). To be with him. To be pain free and truly happy. To see my Nana and Papa again. And to watch over us as I know she liked a good nosey! I have comfort knowing they are together again and to be honest it would be purely selfish of me to say I need her here. She spent the last few months of her life in a nursing home in Scotland. I've lived in London for 11 years... She never would have moved down here. No matter what. She had her independence and I had mine. She was a fighter and a stubborn one at that. But like I said, she knew I was ok.
It's hurt to write this. As the last few day in particular I've been thinking i could have gone to see her more. I could have been a better daughter. I could have called more. Im kicking myself and am regretting so many things just now. But I feel my mum's story needs to be shared. If anything it's made me truly grateful for what I have. I have fuck all to complain about. I need to get out of this slump. I need to pull my finger out of my arse and make the most of what she has left and what I have already got. Otherwise what's it all for?
One thing I will say is, her and my dad always said I should model. I never told her I'd started. I never told her about this. In fact none of my friends and family know about my association with The Suicide Girls. I've kept this completely under the radar and separate from my personal life. I suppose for a number of reasons. The main one being I'm a little shy and embarrassed and I don't want people I know seeing me naked.
I'd hope she would be proud though.
Thank you for reading if you got this far without losing interest or falling asleep!
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