Well now everyone knows what I've known for some time- that Cat is a superior being and soon we shall all worship her.
Amen.
SO you wanna know how much our country has changed in the last 50 years? My grandfather was a New York City cop. On that salary he raised 3 daughters in an apartment on 86th street AND bought a house in a town in central NJ called Budd Lake. A few years later he fulfilled his dream by buying a motorboat which he took out on the lake almost every day.
When I was a kid we spent all our summers in Budd Lake. I used to get up early with my grandfather and go out on the boat. At the time you could get a boating license at 13, so I did. I felt very grown up with a state document with my picture on it.
My grandfather actually died later that winter and the boat sorta sat in it's harbor for a while. Now it's in my grandmother's backyard. I haven't been on the boat since.
Actually, I haven't really been on any boat since, except the Staten Island Ferry. Or maybe that was Melenie Griffith in "Working Girl". I forget.
Anyway, a few years ago, my friend Kristin decided to surprise her husband by taking him and all of his friends on a gambling cruise for his birthday. Have you heard of these? You sail out into international waters and gamble.
So we all meet in Brooklyn and get on the boat. It's a big yacht with a great casino and everything. And we have this great room with a HUGE buffet. Every kind of food you can imagine.
The boat sets sail and we're all in our suite and I'm the ONLY one eating. People are saying to me, "We're gonna be out on the water. Are you sure you wanna be eating all that?" And I scoffed at them all and said, "You sissy assholes, I grew up on the water. God! I had a BOATING LICENSE!" I was acting like I had spent 20 years in the navy or something. I laughed at them as they all popped their dramamine and continued stuffing my face.
Well as soon as the boat reached international waters it dropped anchor. And began to rock. And rock. In about 20 seconds I was green. Everyone went to gamble. I told them I'd follow in a minute. And I threw up. And then I threw up again. And again.
Our suite didn't have a bathroom so I was in a public bathroom. I was in there for about an hour when a security guard asked me to leave. "Where am I supposed to throw up?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied. "Anywhere but here. Other people have to use this room."
So I went up to the deck. Kristin was up there because she didn't feel so good herself and she wanted some air. "Hey, I'm glad you're here," she said. "I know you don't get seasick, but I'm not feeling so good. What do you think I should do?"
I threw up.
And then I threw up again.
Then I ran to the side of the boat and threw up over the side. And then I did it again and the wind brought it back and soon my face was covered in it's own vomit.
I went back down to the bathroom.
"I thought I told you not to come back here" the guard told me.
I threw up on his shoes.
In total I threw up for 6 hours that night. I threw up until the boat docked again.
I still say it was food poisoning.
The moral of the story, however, is that I threw up.
The end.
Amen.
SO you wanna know how much our country has changed in the last 50 years? My grandfather was a New York City cop. On that salary he raised 3 daughters in an apartment on 86th street AND bought a house in a town in central NJ called Budd Lake. A few years later he fulfilled his dream by buying a motorboat which he took out on the lake almost every day.
When I was a kid we spent all our summers in Budd Lake. I used to get up early with my grandfather and go out on the boat. At the time you could get a boating license at 13, so I did. I felt very grown up with a state document with my picture on it.
My grandfather actually died later that winter and the boat sorta sat in it's harbor for a while. Now it's in my grandmother's backyard. I haven't been on the boat since.
Actually, I haven't really been on any boat since, except the Staten Island Ferry. Or maybe that was Melenie Griffith in "Working Girl". I forget.
Anyway, a few years ago, my friend Kristin decided to surprise her husband by taking him and all of his friends on a gambling cruise for his birthday. Have you heard of these? You sail out into international waters and gamble.
So we all meet in Brooklyn and get on the boat. It's a big yacht with a great casino and everything. And we have this great room with a HUGE buffet. Every kind of food you can imagine.
The boat sets sail and we're all in our suite and I'm the ONLY one eating. People are saying to me, "We're gonna be out on the water. Are you sure you wanna be eating all that?" And I scoffed at them all and said, "You sissy assholes, I grew up on the water. God! I had a BOATING LICENSE!" I was acting like I had spent 20 years in the navy or something. I laughed at them as they all popped their dramamine and continued stuffing my face.
Well as soon as the boat reached international waters it dropped anchor. And began to rock. And rock. In about 20 seconds I was green. Everyone went to gamble. I told them I'd follow in a minute. And I threw up. And then I threw up again. And again.
Our suite didn't have a bathroom so I was in a public bathroom. I was in there for about an hour when a security guard asked me to leave. "Where am I supposed to throw up?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied. "Anywhere but here. Other people have to use this room."
So I went up to the deck. Kristin was up there because she didn't feel so good herself and she wanted some air. "Hey, I'm glad you're here," she said. "I know you don't get seasick, but I'm not feeling so good. What do you think I should do?"
I threw up.
And then I threw up again.
Then I ran to the side of the boat and threw up over the side. And then I did it again and the wind brought it back and soon my face was covered in it's own vomit.
I went back down to the bathroom.
"I thought I told you not to come back here" the guard told me.
I threw up on his shoes.
In total I threw up for 6 hours that night. I threw up until the boat docked again.
I still say it was food poisoning.
The moral of the story, however, is that I threw up.
The end.
VIEW 25 of 48 COMMENTS
Are you sure you can handle that shit?
[Edited on Mar 17, 2005 8:46PM]