I hope life is treating you all well.
today was my first class of the semester, my very last semester of undergrad.
I'm simultaneously overjoyed, terrified and sad to be ending this chapter of my life. It may not have been the most exciting or happiest time of my life so far but it was deeply enriching. I learned so much in the last 5 years, not just in my academics and studio practice but i learned so much about myself and the world. I became intellectually aware of myself and my surroundings. and to finally stand on the stage and accept my diploma this summer, it WILL be a moment of sadness acknowledging that this part of my life is over. sure i can always go back to school, but it likely wont be accompanied by an empty brain and the same eager search for understanding. it will be a purely intellectual pursuit and not a life pursuit, if that makes sense. there wouldn't be a lack of enthusiasm, it would just be seasoned. it wont compare to the struggle and desire to complete my undergraduate degree. this degree is a life pursuit, like i mentioned, and standing on that stage will be the culmination of 23 years of hard work, dreams and a rollercoaster ride to the finish. at this point, i "get" college. i know what it's all about, what it takes, what you have to give and what you'll get back. i know the ins and outs, the tricks of the trade.... any educational pursuit from here on out would be as a veteran. and although it brings me sadness, it also brings me an overwhelming amount of joy to know how close i am to achieving this life long goal, FINALLY!
i think you're always at least a little sad at the realization that a chapter of your life is going to come to an abrupt end. how many times does that happen in life? not too many. sure, you go through many chapters in life, but many of them you dont see coming, you cant mark on a calendar when they begin and end, or how they begin or end. you probably wont see it coming and you might not even recognize it immediately. one day you wake up and something radically changes, or maybe someday you wake up and realize everything's different and can't recall exactly when or how it happened. i have many of those chapters in my life. but when you DO see the writing on the wall, and you know that the book is going to end and you're going to be embarking on the next installment, it's sad. regardless of if the ending is happy or not. it's like reading a really great story you don't want to end. you know there's life after the final page, but you thoroughly enjoyed and immersed yourself in it that you just want to go back and enjoy the good parts a little bit more before moving on. you're eager and curious about the next book in the series, but this one was just so good you want to savor it, just in case the next book doesn't live up to your expectations or the ending isnt what you hoped for.
but it's always exciting getting your hands on a new book. you have expectations surely, but you don't know what's going to happen along the way. even if you know how it's going to end, the journey is the good part. the plot twists are what makes it exciting and worth the read. so while i may be sad, im also excited to see where this chapter is going to go. will i get engaged? will i go back to school? what kind of job will i have? will there be success? tragedy? where will i live? i have passed the point of clean cut chapters. the introduction is over, the prelude has concluded. the stage has been set, the characters have been developed.
the next 4 months will be me priming for the unknown. bracing myself for a journey i could never predict. it's exciting and terrifying. i knew how to succeed in this last chapter. the ending was written many years ago. but there is no "right answer" anymore. i can do and be anything from here on out. there is no clearly outlined path to success now.
but that's what makes life worth living. the unknowns. the journey.
