azhben

coming home to nobody.
convincing myself not to look forward to seeing him when i leave and come home.
he's not coming back.
but maybe he is?
he isn't.
all his stuff is in bags and boxes that i put there.
mom wanted to put his clothes in the garage.
have a little heart.
i don't know what this will be like.
i can't be around him and not be in love with him.
we can't be friends. not now.
what would you do? buy me a beer? beat me in scrabble?
the whole time just re-ripping my heart seams out.
sleeping alone is such an adjustment.
it just feels like i'm waiting for him to come back.
i don't know if some friends are blowing smoke up my ass,
and others i know i can hang my heart on for now.
did you give him back his ring?
the gem fell out weeks ago, i already did.

i know i am strong enough. probably.
i just feel very tiny and hurt right now.
like bleeding all over.

ok well. got to go back to work today.